Something For Paul Dempsey

"HE CAN SEE HEAT!"

2008-12-18T12:11:00.001+10:30

About a month ago when I was a little 3 sheets to the wind of tipsy and after I had already made up one of the best raps ever about Merv Hughes, I spied the movie predator on the tele and became quite obsessed by his heat sensitive vision.

The predator movie has this scary alien dude that has some sort of heat vision sight that can actually see heat! This helps him greatly if for when he is tracking down the humans which he wants to kill. One way to stop him from seeing you is to cover yourself in mud, which Arnold Scharwzenegger did and he couldnt see him.

But as I was watching this I wondered how long you could lie in mud for without getting hugry. Then you would have to eat something that didnt have any heat in it. If you picked up a rabbit and took a bite out of it it would attrack the predetors attention and he would kill you fair and square. However if you ate pretzels he wouldn't notice at all. Pretzels have no heat in them! They are pretty much stone cold.

I was of reminded this last night at our xmas party as I chowed down on xmas shaped pretzels. Had I been covered in mud the predator wouldnt have been able to tell I was enjoying a xmas shaped salty snack and I would have lived a long and full-filed life!

Money for Jeus

2008-10-29T12:56:00.000+10:30

On the weekend I went to a friends house for his birthday. I got a bit drunk and stupid. His 6 year old daughter was collecting money for some school fun run thing. I asked her where the money was going to and she said it was for her school. I asked her which school she went to and she said the name of some catholic school I cant remember now. I then asked her 'how much of this money is going to jesus?'

At that point her mother dragged her away from me. In retrospect I feel like a jerk about it, at the time I felt like I was doing someone a service. What a maroon I am.

DREAMS AND EMOS

2007-03-08T13:47:00.000+10:30

Last night I had a dream that I was sailing the seas in a giant peanut shell. During this time I befriended a whale who told me of how he was currently dating a horse and how much he was missing his horsey love. We hung out for ages talking about all sorts of deep and meaningful stuff and rode a lot of waves too. Another bigger whale came along at one point and tried to eat me but my friend whale stopped him.

Whats that all mean then?

Also in answer to the question someone wrote about the difference between Emos and Goths:

1.Goth music is slightly better than Emo music. But both are still pretty shit. With the exception of The Cure and Panic At The Disco.

2. An old emo male is usually just trying to root young emo girls whereas an old goth is just plain sad. Sad as in loser.

3. Fat people are allowed to be goths. I dont know if emos accept fatties as openly. I should research that.

4. Emos are more closely related to Emus.

5. And finally the most important difference is that emos hair is straight and covers their faces but goths hair is fluffy and flouncy and sticks straight up in the air. Oh and goths wear more frilly shit...

I hope that has straightened things out for ya.

WHO WEARS SHORT SHORTS?

2007-03-07T16:56:00.000+10:30

As Summer draws near to an end there is one thing I demand to see less of...SHORTS!

Shorts are the stupidest looking things in the world. No one looks good in them. Sure its fine to wear em around the house if its hot and you feel lazy but dont go out in them! Girls wear a skirt instead, and men if you want to be considered a man dont wear shorts!

Shorts are for little boys, not men. Its disgusting that grown men think they can still wear shorts. YOU LOOK LIKE A FUKIN IDIOT!!!

grow up.

I wanna see pants on all the men. All of them. A good reason why is that a few months ago I was riding home from work on the bus, it was a hot day but I was sweating it up in my jeans because I AM A MAN. Anyway I looked out the window to see a man in his car showing a great deal of leg (I could see down due to the height of the bus). "Disgusting" I thought to myself, "Wearing shorts in a public domain". I looked down again and thought "those must be some pretty short shorts he is wearing there, I cant even see them!" I looked again, 'what is that thing there in between his legs..."

"OH MY GOD...HE IS NOT WEARING ANYTHING ON HIS LEGS"

There in plain site was his dick. Disgusting looking thing. What the hell was he thinking? Ill just give it an airing while I drive, no one can see me anyway? THINK AGAIN BUDDY!

Horrible experience I dont wanna relive. So wear shorts people!!! From your friend Matt....

CHINESE MEDICINE

2007-03-02T15:22:00.000+10:30

Well I've been gettin a lot of complaints about how I dont really update this thing no more. Poor you. Well I shall make an attempt to bring this thing back. Ill tell stories again. I cant promise they will be good. Perhaps they will be awful and it will ruin the good name that I have. But who cares that much anyway. Not sure how long I will keep this up. Depends how bored I get with you, dear reader...

------------------------------

The other day on the advice of my friend I went along to a Chinese Doctor. Im not just saying a GP who happens to be Chinese, Im talking about a real deal Chinese old school doctor. Like the ones you see in the movies that have the crazy long hairs and wont sell you a mogwai.

Anyway, I treked out to this place on my day off thinking I might be greated by a man in an office or something, except I was welcomed into the front room of his house. He was enjoying an episode of Kerri-Anne, a strange choice for an ancient doctor I thought but hey since Burt left Good Morning Australia what the hell can you watch on a Weekday morning.

He sat me down on his couch and proceded to probe me with questions about my health, whilst always keeping one eye on the tele. He was particularly interested in my bowels, as you may well know dear reader I have problems with them. I had to explain my movements the the texture of my movements in great detail. He then left the room for about 20 minutes leaving me to watch Kerri-anne, which might I say is a pretty darn boring as shit show.

He returned with 2 bags full of sticks and bark and told me to cook them up in water, drain off the water and drink it. Then he wanted 50 bucks for the 2 bags of sticks. Not one to argue with a soothsayer (for fear of a curse) I gave him the money and went on my way, oh and I have to return every 2 weeks for more bags of sticks...

I went home and cooked up my stew, it made one of the most god-awful smells in the world, my housemate screamed that I was turning the house into a swamp, I shouted him down with tales of great powers and health that I would achieve once drinking this horrible poison. I cooked it all up, waited till it cooled down a little and drank my first glass.

I felt like I was going to spew from the first gulp, it tasted bitter, but worse than bitter and the after taste was like arseholes covered in piss. It was fuking awful. But I drank the whole glass. I've had a glass a day for the last 4 days, I dont feel amazing, but I dont feel that sick, which I guess is a good thing...

2007-01-15T16:31:00.000+10:30

I had a dream last night where I was watching the winter Olympics on tv and the ice hockey was on. A huge snowball fight broke out between the players and the spectators. It was insane, snowballs flying everywhere. The spectators started climbing down onto the ice and throwing even bigger snowballs at the players.

Suddenly a huge security guard skated past with gigantic arms and scooped all the spectators and carried them away.

I was amazed.

Weekend

2006-11-07T16:58:00.000+10:30

If ya wanna know what I did on the weekend, go here:

www.nothroughroadblog.blogspot.com

PASTRY OR DANDRUFF

2006-09-27T14:58:00.000+09:30

A guy came to my window at work the other day, he had pastry crumbs or dandruff all over the front of his shirt.

'I need to speak to someone in physics'
'What about?'
'PHYSICS!!!'
'What about physics?'
'TIIIIIIIIIME TRAVEL!' (crazy spooky voice)
'of course you do'

I assume he wants to travel back in time to when women were a little less picky.

LEGO VS COFFEE

2006-09-19T13:35:00.000+09:30

I know its overdone and a bit lame to criticize Mcdonalds. I mean they provide greasy food to millions day in day out and ask for nothing in return but I feel I must pull them up on their latest advertising campaign.

The damn inner child ads where a kid jumps out of a grown up and goes and get them a burger. The first couple were a bit odd, kid gets burger, Mexican midget gets Mexican burger, but the latest one where the kids go get coffee and sandwiches for the adults freaks me out.They have a lot of kids lining up to get coffee and sandwiches in fake little cars. Wearing business suits and generally looking a bit stupid. The catch line of the ad is something about listening to your inner child. SINCE WHEN DID CHILDREN DRINK COFFEE!?

I dont think my inner child has ever wanted a coffee. If my inner child hopped out of my stomach it would much more likely come back with candy and a whole bunch of Lego. AND if I was standing around somewhere and suddenly I blacked out and when I awoke I had a coffee and sandwich in my hands I would freak out. It would scare the shit out of me and I would probably throw it all up in the air. Not smile sweetly at it as the lady in the ad does and think to herself 'thanks inner child, a soy latte, just what my inner child always wanted'

Its stupid Mcdonalds, stupid.

And besides its just ripping off the ad where the tongue goes and gets that guy a beer which makes a whole lot more sense.

CASE DISMISSED!!!

WEEEEKEND

2006-09-11T16:36:00.000+09:30

Some strange things happened on the weekend to me.

On Friday night I played a show. After I sat outside with a pal and smoked some of his cigarettes. Some crazed young fan came up to me and started praising me. According to my friend she was stroking my face but I have no recollection of this event happening. Which is odd because I can usually feel things touching my face.

Then the following night I had visions of thousands of Garfield dolls covering the walls. It was quite beautiful but started to scare me after a while.

I witnessed Bobby on Idol sing the most beautiful version of a Cold Chisel song I have ever heard. I was literally blown away.

And last night I had a dream where I was sleeping in the same room as my house mates for some strange reason. As I lay there sleeping I heard a strange sound. Something was jumping across the room, small and cat like, perhaps Garfield, suddenly it attacked my arm and was biting me really hard. I woke up screaming.

Over all a tiring but damn enjoyable weekend!

ONE FOR THE FANS

2006-09-06T13:11:00.000+09:30

This morning i slept through my alarm somehow. I use my mobile phone as an alarm clock which is bad cause whenever i hear my alarm sound being used as someones dial tone I think I am dreaming and about to wake up.

Anyway I must have switched it off and fallen back asleep. I woke up to an sms at 10 past 9. It was lucky cause otherwise I would have slept in even more. It was unlucky because for some reason my face was lying on my phone. The vibrations and beeps scared the hell out of me. I thought someone was drilling into my face.

It reminded my of the very first time I had a mobile phone in my pocket. I didnt get a mobile until about 2 years ago, I refused to buy one for years thinking that they were spawned by the devil to ruin our lives. I was right of course. Anyway my mum had lent me her mobile for some reason and I was walking down rundle mall with her mobile in my pocket when it started to ring and vibrate. I didnt hear the ringing but i felt the vibrations. I completely forgot I had the phone in my pocket and assumed that some sort of animal was in my pants, I started slapping my jeans hard jumping up and down like a man on fire, i then pull the phone out and dropped it on the ground. I then realised what had happened but by that stage had attracted a small crowd of on lookers who were wondering what was in my pants too. They all looked quite disappointed to see that it was just a harmless mobile phone.

HARMLESS! HA!

ps. for all of you who have been waiting for more posts from me, ive got a new blog im involved in. www.nothroughroadblog.blogspot.com

check it for good times.

2006-08-15T11:36:00.000+09:30

My good friend, housemate and sometimes band mate left the country today for 2 years.

Good luck Jummy. Ill miss ya.

LUNCH CONVERSATIONS ON THE FLIPSIDE

2006-08-09T13:32:00.000+09:30

I just had lunch with some friends.
Here is the highlight of our conversation.

Me: Well I gotta go to the chemist, to pick up my script....for my latest Hollywood movie!

Kynan: Another rejection (dejected tone)

Laughs all round. Man life is full of good times.

FLOWERS UP MY ASS

2006-08-07T14:27:00.000+09:30

There are 2 songs on the radio at the moment that are killing me.

Firstly is 'Promiscuous girl' by Nelly Furtado. Good grief this is a bad song. Can this song get any more bloody obvious. Where has subtly gone? Where are the songs like 'girl im gonna make you sweat'? And 'A Whole New World'?

But perhaps the worst most 2 dimensional song around at the moment is that damn song about being a punk rocker with flowers in their hair. Wouldnt we all. I mean it must be a much better life than the one we have now. I mean what a melting pot of cultures and society it would have been. You could really BE somebody back then. And then turn into a fat middle aged conservative slobs called the baby boomers.

Good luck to her. I hope she invents that time machine.

Here are the lyrics below if you wanna get deep with her. Im expecting great things from Sandi Thom. Great things.

------------------

Oh I wish I was a punk rocker with flowers in my hair
In '77 and '69 revolution was in the air
I was born too late into a world that doesn't care
Oh I wish I was a punk rocker with flowers in my hair

When the head of state didn't play guitar
Not everybody drove a car
When music really mattered and when radio was king
When accountants didn't have control
And the media couldn't buy your soul
And computers were still scary and we didn't know everything

[Chorus]

When pop stars still remained a myth
And ignorance could still be bliss
And when god saved the queen she turned a whiter shade of pale
My mom and dad were in their teens
And anarchy was still a dream
And the only way to stay in touch was a letter in the mail

[Chorus]

When record shops were still on top
And vinyl was all that they stocked
And the super info highway was still drifting out in space
Kids were wearing hand me downs
And playing games meant kick arounds
And footballers still had long hair and dirt across their face

[Chorus]
I was born too late into a world that doesn't care
Oh I wish I was a punk rocker with flowers in my hair

MUCH APOO ABOUT NOTHING

2006-07-28T13:45:00.000+09:30

If you walk down to the bottle shop area in the bottom floor of the Adelaide David Jones, 9 times out of 10 it will stink of pungent SHIT! There is a toilet right near there so I assume that poo is just flying around inside there like some sort of toilet getting rid of some demons.

OR

One of the employees of David Jones has a major gas problem.

I dont know about you but when Im looking to buy fine goon I prefer to smell things like booze as apposed to a whole pile of crap. But thats just me.

I think I might write a letter to Adelaide Matters to get this all cleared up. They seem to know a fair amount about crap.

WIGGITY WACK

2006-07-24T14:37:00.000+09:30

Students are back. Is it just me or do they get uglier everyday?

I miss patch baggums

KEEP OFF MY DRIVEWAY!

2006-07-19T11:29:00.000+09:30

Yesterday morning whilst I was in the shower the doorbell at our house kept going off. Thinking it was just doorknockers or someone else annoying I ignored it and enjoyed my shower. When I got out of the shower my housemate was standing at the doorway talking to an irate man. Apparently someone had dinged his car which was parked across the street from our driveway, and seeing one of the beat-up looking cars in our driveway assumed it was us.

My housemate told him it wasnt us and went back inside.

About 10 minutes later I left the house to head off to work. When I got outside I had a quick look at our car in the driveway and saw no new dents on there at all. When I turned around the guy was standing at the end of our driveway staring at me. I said hello and walked over to him. I told him that all the dents on that car had been there for ages and that we didnt hit his car.

I walked over to his car and had a look. It was one of the ugliest cars Ive seen. A white WRX or some kind with wings on the back. The part that was broken was a little crappy bubble around one of the front lights, and there were some smudges and scratches around the area. Not really much at all. But he was rather upset so I acted concerned.

'I like my car, Ive only had it a year'
'Yeah its a nice one, sucks that happened to it'
'Yeah'

I then told him of all the trouble we have had on our street with our cars getting damaged. He didnt live round there, was just visiting a friend. He was an ugly nerd but seemed reasonable enough about it all. We even decided that it was probably a bicycle that caused the damage and the tire mark was really high on the car. He drove off annoyed but I thought he believed me. I went to work and thought nothing more of it.

That night when I got home from work he was there again. There were a few other guys standing around his car. I went into my house but as I almost entered I saw a man standing in our driveway. I said hello, this guy was younger and more tough looking. But he still looked like a twat. He came right up to me and started talking into my face quite aggressively.

'Do you know anything about the car being hit out there!?'
'No, and I talked to the guy about it this morning'
'Where is the other car that was in your driveway??' (he was now referring to the newer car that was also in our driveway, that had no dents on it at all)
'I dont know! Probably driving around somewhere'
'Well when is it getting BACK?!'
'I dont know! Why do you want to see that car anyway, it doesnt have any dents on it at all!'

He then turned and started to walk off but said to me 'I know where you live'. It was then I snapped, I got so fukin mad at the turd faced knob.

'Are you threatening me!?!? Is that what you are saying!??'
He didnt say anything he just stood there trying to look tough and scary.
'Why dont I call the fukin cops and see what they think about all this!?!'
As soon as I mentioned the police he backed off a few steps and looked a bit more concerned.
'GET OFF MY DRIVEWAY OR ILL CALL THE COPS!'

Then my other housemate and girlfriend hearing all the commotion came out to see what was going on. Nick (my housemate) realised it was about the car and called the guy a fukin idiot. The guy stood at the end of our driveway saying 'come over here and say that'

I found that quite funny. Then my girlfriend shouted at him to act like a grown up. That was also quite entertaining as he really didnt know what to say to that at all.

We all went inside and I made a nice bolognese, where the pasta was cooked from the steam coming out of my ears. Man I wanted to punch that guy.

True Story!

THROW DOWN YR GUNS....

2006-07-17T10:11:00.000+09:30

On the weekend I witnessed my friend climb to the top of the fountain in rundlemall, get completely drenched, struggle to get down, then go on to rocket barand dance the night away. I was well impressed.

I realised from this that I have not been as carefree and reckless as I oncewas. I need to bite the bulls ass again and hang on for dear life.

I might just start my reckless streak with Arts SA. We shall see Arts SA, we shall see....

A LONG WEEKEND IN MELBOURNE

2006-07-12T11:14:00.000+09:30

Well what a weekend in Melbourne I had. Probably the best time Ive had there in a long time. Read on for the accounts of my days in Melbourne and all that I enjoyed.

Wednesday:

I left for Melbourne on Wednesday night, due to the plane trip being so short there is only about 10-15 minutes where the seatbelt sign is off. Now I needed to go to the toilet, and bad, but during the the time the seatbelt sign was on the damn food trolleys were on either side of me. serving food and thus blocking my way to the toilet. By the time the trolleys had gone the seatbelt sign was back on. Discussing with my friend Nic I decided to risk it all and go to the toilet. I was stopped however by an airhostess telling me to sit back down. I pleaded with her that I really needed to go, but she said I was not allowed to. I sat back down, now white with fear that I would shit my pants, twice in one year, this time on a plane. Luckily I didnt and I pooed as soon as I got to the airport.

Thursday:

I had the fortune of staying with my friend Henry who has just moved into a fancy new house. The next day I spent watching his foxtel digital thing. I paused and rewinded the hell outta that sucka. Eskimo Joe actually look good in slowmotion.

That night I went to a bar called the Retreat. I proceeded to get quite drunk with my friends. I had to endure some awful band called 'The Black Popes' (how controversial!) so I needed plenty of booze. Now the first thing strange about this place was the Unisex toilet. What the hell are they thinking over there? I didnt realise it was unisex and happily peed with the door open as a real man does. This was soon stopped by the screams of a woman who tried to walk into my cubicle only to discover me pissing. She didnt see my turkey but she sounded quite distressed. I informed her that she was in the boys toilets and she told me that it was actually unisex. I declared Melbourne to be disgusting and marched out of there!

When we were finally made to leave the Retreat I was standing out the front of there waiting for Henry to pick us up with his car. As I was bored and drunk I commanded my friend to kick me in the balls (something I enjoy when Im a bit tipsy). He eventually did, I screamed and 2 bums started to talk to us.

'You guys are bloody wierd!!' he said clutching onto his only possesions in the world that appeared to be a plastic bag full of wool. 'This is the generation that are taking over from me. The bloody next generation'

I then demanded to know how old he was because I thought he looked at least 2 generations older than the both of us. He wouldnt tell and then went on to question our sexuallity. Around that time Henry pulled up in his car, seeing us arguing and being shouted at by bums he didnt get out of the car but just said for us to get in. The second bum saw the car and started rubbing his bum on the hood ornament. I assume some sort of homeless teritorial ritual. I tried to pull him away but the first bum grabbed my arm and threw me inside the car slamming the door behind me. We drove off in a hurry to a place called Pony. Where I was told off for trying to pull a chandelier down from the roof...

Friday:

During the day we went to Philip Island to get my new album mastered. It was a lovely time, but I didnt see any penguins.

On Friday night I went to some pub called Prudence where I was recognised for being a musician by the bar staff. They even had one of my songs on some cd there and played it over the speakers. That was quite nice indeed. From there my pal Jyd and I went to the Cherry Bar. A horrible place that is somewhat enjoyable in a car crash sorta way. I found myself in a room full of horrible fashionistas who where mostly nice but just a bit insane. I was told of the unrecognised genius of Paul Dempsey from Something For Kate. I at first thought the guy was joking but then I realised he was serious, and I knew I had to get outta there soon.

Jyd and I went to a burger joint, after Id eaten a hotdog from a stand, and had 2 burgers. We then went to a video game parlour and played virtual guitar games for about 3 hours. Leaving the palour my eyes were sore and I noticed the trams had started, It was 6am and time to go home...

For some reason this was my best night in Melbourne, but nothing too exciting really happened.

Satdee:

After a nice sleep in I had lunch with Henry and his gay friend whos name I dont remember. He was a funny man who earns his living by making 'appearances'. I had the opportunity to try out my new word that Id invented the day before. I asked him if he had ever met any Gasians (gay asians). He said with out missing a beat, 'I used to go out with a Gapanese'.

That night I found myself in a pub called the Rochester. A combination of Shotz and Supermild, with a bit more of a lean towards Shotz. I spent a large portion of the night making fun of some guys jacket to his face and being told by his brother that not only is it common but its quite normal for woman to masturbate whilst breastfeeding. The girls who were there protested this as being absurd, but none of them had ever breastfeed and so were not really 100% sure. Apparently its quite arrousing to have your breast drunk from. I assumed it would hurt quite a bit. But I dont know.

I stayed out too late. And drank and smoked way too much.

Sunday:

I had to catch a plane at 9am. I was still drunk. I thought I was gonna spew for most of the way. It sucked. But the weekend was good. Real goooood.

Melbourne Bound

2006-07-04T15:51:00.000+09:30

Tomorrow I am going to Melbourne for 4 days to basically get drunk and cause trouble. When you are in a different state from your home you can not get arrested. Ill be taking full advantage of this oversight in the law.
Tune in next week for a full rundown.

ITS CALLED THE WORLD GAME, NOT THE NERD GAME!

2006-06-15T15:26:00.000+09:30

So the world cup has started and everyone has world cup fever, including me. I mean it is the World game and the World dont stop spinning!

I love the beautiful game and find it to be the only sport that I can really enjoy watching. However there is one little thing that pisses me off whenever I watch a game. The Referees little book.

Whenever someone scores a goal or gets a free kick the referee closest to the ball pulls out this tiny little book and anally writes into there, supposably something about what just happened in the game. My question is WHYYYYYYY!Y!Y!!YY!?>?!Y!YYU!Y!?LK:K!

why.

We live in the modern world, its the digital age, there are a million and one fuking cameras pointed at that pitch, there are a million and one commentators watching and over analyzing every single step. There are a billion people writing down what happens. Why does the ref standing out there need to carry around a little book and pen to write it all down?

Answer: THEY FUKIN DONT!

It would annoy me so much if the guys didnt look like morons when they do it. Reminds me of when teachers who would write your name down for being bad so they could send you to detention. Damn that little book!

If I was a soccer star and I got carded I would eat that guys book out of his hands. That would stop him nerding up the beautiful game.

CARPET GIANTS

2006-06-14T13:32:00.000+09:30

Having lunch today with some friends we overheard the following conversation of a man talking to his co-workers:

"So I came home the other day and me kids were watching that Ellen Degeneres show. AND SHE'S A BLOODY RUG MUNCHER!!!!"

laughs galore. I can only assume that he came home to discover his children eating the carpet.

In other news The Strokes are coming to Adelaide in August and I am going to have sex with the lead singer.

THE DAMNED NEW TRAMS

2006-06-14T10:53:00.000+09:30

ok ok ok, so this blog aint really up to the minute with the times but its something that has been bothering me for a few months now. The new trams are shite!
Recently in Adelaide we have had new flashy trams on our tracks I guess in an attempt to compete with Melbourne for best things in the world. Cmon, trams!? Lets just go nuclear on their asses. aaaaanyway. These new trams have sooo many problems with them and somehow make the old trams built in the 30s look like first class seats on Donald Trumps toilet.
Anyway here is a list of all the problems I have discovered with the new trams. (i must be gettin damn old, complaining about public transport...damn youths!!!)

1. The Hard As Hell Seats What Disguise Themselves As Being Comfy.
The seats in there have the illusion of being nice and soft material seats but when you sit down on them you discover that it is all an illusion. The padding on the seats is in fact only a thin clothe covering very hard cold plastic. But they look soft you see so you go to plonk yr ass down on them and you almost break them when there is no give. Expect lawsuits soon. However I have been enjoying watching the other people catching the tram for the first time sitting down, the pain/disappointment in their faces is priceless, perhaps the reason they were installed in the first place.

2. The Door Opening Buttons.
Just open the doors already! The buttons look futuristic and all with their nice flashy lights but they confuse the hell out of me. You have to press them several times to get the doors to open and they are also the button to request the tram to stop at the next stop. The first time I used them I worried that by pressing the door open/stop request button in a moving tram I would open the door while it was still driving. Which would surely get the other passengers shouting at me and then the tram driver would declare me a fool and I would wind up being tied to the tracks awaiting the next tram*. *that may or may not happen, but it could!

3. The Ticket Machines.
When you first step onto a new tram you will notice that you have to walk around the ticket machine to put your ticket in the slot because they were installed backwards. What fukin morons did that!? And it wasnt just a one off mistake, they were all put in backwards, so it was obviously a fukin moron up the top. They must have received several complaints about it because a sticker saying 'the ticket machines will soon be placed in better positions' were stuck to the sides of them. When they finally did 'fix' them they just turned them slightly rather than moving them to the way they should be, frontwards! Idiots. stupid idiots.

4.The Annoying Voice.
Lets just make our tram drivers even more suicidal by puttin in an annoying womans voice that announces every stop you are about to get to. I only catch the tram about once or twice a week but it gives me the shits in that short time, the drivers must hear it in their sleep!

5. Leg Room.
Now I dont know if the world has noticed but everyone is getting taller. I am reasonably tall, but there will come a day when I am considered shorter. I struggle to find a hard hard seat to sit on that accomadates my knees. The only ones with leg room are the ones facing the people sitting the opposite way meaning you wind up accidentally touching knees with other people. Knees are the next worse things to elbows, I dont want anyones knees a touching me.

So maybe a couple of these reasons are a bit bogus, but I want better trams dagnammit! Sort it out Adelaide transport type people. Or else I might print this rant off and post it to ya!

MATT GETS MACHO!

2006-06-07T14:36:00.000+09:30

So anyway, on the weekend I was at a gig watching Bluebottle Kiss strut their stuff on stage. They were very exciting to watch and I enjoyed it most throughroughly, but for some reason the audience was about 95% asshole. And more sorta macho boy asshole than just regular tight panted dicks trying to impress some glammed up ham.

This show was full of guys who looked like they had stepped straight out of a rowing club and into a pub. Things were tense but I was happy to overlook their obvious moron-ity and enjoy my night. Until one jerk went too far.

During one song my girlfriend complained that someone just kicked her really hard on the back of her knees. I was a bit drunk by this stage so I am sure my reactions were large.

'WHO!' i proclaimed like the man who came up with the title for who magazine.'
That guy there'
She pointed to a guy who can only be described to you dear reader as a complete knob. He had a polo shirt on over another top, hair that spiked up, and was standing next to some ugly blonde woman. Now normally I am a pretty nice mild mannered guy. Sure I get annoyed by pretty much everyone in the world, but I never do anything about it other than mutter under my breath about people. But this time I was fired up. I wanted to fight the fucker.

I walked straight up to him all puffed up and poked my fingers into his chest pretty hard and said straight up 'WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING!?!?'
He looked quite surprised at the whole situation and asked me what that hell I was doing.

'YOU JUST KICKED MY GIRLFRIEND HARD!' (some of the shouting might have been to do due to the loud music that was being played, and some due to my bravardarie)
'Who is your girlfriend'I pointed her out to him. He looked confused. I think the stimulation of hearing both music and talking at the same time was too much for his tiny brain to handle. I dont know how he would take to hearing some straight up rapping.

Anyway he tried to tell me that he didnt realise what he had done and that it was an accident. I didnt entirely believe him and told him to watch what he was fuking doing or else. I emphasised the 'or else' by adding a little shove with my shoulder into his. I was sorta hoping that he would get pissed off and start something, I started thinking about all the people I knew in the room and if we would out number his bunch of friends. But the guy did nothing. I actually scared him, he looked worried and apologised again. It was pretty strange.

I went back to where I was standing and noticed my hands were shaking. I wasnt use to being so macho but damn it was fun doing it. LOOK OUT JERKS I got some pokey fingers and shouty puffed up words, and I aint afraid to use them!!!

BACKPACK KARAOKE

2006-05-29T10:11:00.000+09:30

So Ive become an inventor. I am yet to make the prototype but have put in some research and found that it is very easily do-able.

I have invented 'Backpack Karaoke'.

Sounds exciting ey? Well just wait till I tell you what it all means!!!
Basically you get a backpack and inside it you put a small battery powered amplifier. Make some sort of hole in the backpack so the sound can get through no worries. To the amplifier you plug in an ipod (or any other mp3 player) full of karaoke cds. And a microphone of some sort. Make it so the ipod and the microphone both come out of the backpack so you can hold them in your pockets of you pants or jacket or something. Then you play a little karaoke tune on your ipod and sing the song. Its completely portable so you can do it ANYWHERE!

In a couple months time when I have finally built this thing expect to see me in the mall, on trains, at major sporting events and basically anywhere else I can be annoying/entertaining, performing my heart out. Im guessing I will probably be slightly drunk too as I will need it for courage. In which case dont tickle me.

PS. If you steal this idea before I have made it famous I will have your balls.

THE SEGWAY

2006-05-25T15:59:00.000+09:30

Today in the mall there was a big shindig being thrown by some lottery company. I think it was the birthday of the lottery or something like that. They had a cake that apparently wieghed 190kg for some reason.It would have been boring and unentertaining if it wasnt for the use of one of the worlds most useless inventions.

The Segway.

I dont know what the hell they were thinking when they invented this thing but surely someone got fired over it. OR MAYBE NOT! Some companies are so stupid that they buy the things to use for thier promotions. Or maybe you can hire them, I should look into that.
Anyway there were 2 girls on these things trying to hand out some pamplet about the lottery. It was great cause they could hardly balance on the things with 2 hands, but they had to use the other hand to hand out the flyers. Comedy instilled. Lots of people were being scared off by the machines rocking back and forth whilst the poor girls tried thier hardest to hand out the flyers.
What was the lottery thinking? Not much I assume

Lottery guy1: No one ever takes our flyers!!
Lottery guy2: Hmm we need to make them more exiting
LG1: what if the people who were handing them out were swaying all over the place dangerously?
LG2: You mean if we got drunks to do it?
LG1: No, even better....SEGWAYS!!!!

*that may or may not have happened. I bet it did tho.

MY RECENT DREAMS

2006-05-24T10:01:00.000+09:30

Ive had a few odd dreams lately that I thought I would share with you all. Maybe YOU can tell me what it all means. Wouldnt that just make you feel like a 'part' of it all. (note the well placed capital letters and quotation marks)

Dream 1:

I was in a very large queue for something with my housemate. It was on this bridge with an enclosure over it. Sorta like the tunnel you go through before gettin into an airplane. Anyway standing in front of us was some old man talking about some song he had written. When I asked what he was talking about he told us he was from Pink Floyd. I was very excited which is sorta unusual cause Im not a big Floyd fan, hell I liked Wish You Were Here when I was a teenager but ive never really got that into them...anyway I asked what his name was and because I couldnt remember his name it seemed neither could my subconscious cause he moved his mouth but no sound came out. It was very frustrating.

Dream 2: This one was like some sort of horror movie. For some reason I kept turning up to meetings of strange monks whilst they were praying or chanting or something. It was usually outside and on big stone things. After they had been chanting for about 2 minutes a group of men would appear out of no where and chop them to bits with huge axes. It was horrible and very realistic. My subconscious would be a great director for a blockbuster. This kept on repeating in different locations for what seemed like most of the night. I even woke up at one point realising it was all a dream and thinking 'man, i gotta not dream about that no more' went back to sleep and the dreams continued.

Dream 3: Have you all seen 'Being John Malkovich' or however you spell his last name...well this dream was like that but instead of going into Jonny Ms head it was a time travel machine. I could pick any decade I wanted to go to and go live there. I was very excited and shouted 'THE 60s!!!!'.
I think I was planning to go and live with the Beatles and shoot pool with Bob Dylan. Anyway I jumped into this tube with my arms out in front of me like a diver and start on a journey through this huge black plastic tunnel. After a while I kept gettin stuck and eventually moved my arms down by my side so I was just going head first, I started to move really fast and got a bit scared. I went through this tunnel for ages and ages and I think I eventually woke up. When I woke up I thought I had arrived in the 60s and was ever so happy. I looked around the room thinking things had changed, 'looks so old timey' I thought. Then as I became more awake I realised that I was just in a regular 2000's bedroom. Oh my I was disappointed. I didnt travel through time at all.

So then, what does it all mean....?

HOW TO BEAT THE PHONE SALESMAN PERSON

2006-05-15T16:48:00.000+09:30

doggone overseas phone companies give me the willies!

They call you up and want you to change to some strange phone company that I aint ever heard of and they cant even hear you over thiner crappy phone line. Yeah I wanna change to their fabulous service.

Its also very hard to get rid of them too, or so I thought until the other day when one of them called my house and I was in a scampy mood.

They called us asking for my housemate who the phones name is in. He dont like his name to be mentioned for some reason so lets call my housemate Mr Dick.

Overseas phone operator (very crackly line and heavy accent): Hello, is that Mr Dick?
Me (very hunky and smoothly spoken, like chocolate milk pouring through a mountain stream): No he isnt home
Phone guy: Oh are you a relation to him?
Me: Relation? Oh yes we have relations with each other
Phone bozo: Oh good. Now are you on broadband or dial up internet?
Me: What are you asking me?
Phoney: Are you on broadband or dialup internet at your house there sir?
Me: Broads? Oh yes we have lots of broads here, all kinds of them. Do you want to speak to the broads?
Phone dude: No thankyou sir, have a nice day!

And he hung up on me! I pissed him off and he hung up on me! A triumph!

Now I wait patiently for the next door knocker to come by, they are gonna get some fun!

THE INNER SOUTH OF ADELAIDE

2006-05-11T14:55:00.000+09:30

About a year ago I moved into the inner South side of Adelaide. Having spent most of my early years on the West side and most of my teens on the East side I thought the Inner south would be a nice mix of both. WRONG!!!! WRRRRRUGGGG!

The inner south sucks balls! I am living in the Unley area (I wont specify cause I have enough stalkers already thank you very much) and the people here are jerks! Take a walk down King William road for example and you will be disgusted! In the East the richies are all old and relatively harmless, but here the richies are all young up and comers that are out to screw you over anyway they can. I know, I can see it in their horrible clothes covered in some sort of scented mucus.

And whats with paving the fuking streets!? King William road has pavers all over it so when you drive down the street you think that your tires are going flat or something. Sounds like a damn airplane. Maybe it sounds bloody brilliant in a Rav4 or whatever 4wd those chumps like to drive around.

But the worst thing of all the street crime.

Last night some jerk drove into my housemates car parked on the street. And just drove off into the night, probably back to his jacoozie filled with praline and dick.
And about a month ago some hoodlums smashed the windscreen of my other housemates car. Why attack the crummiest car on the street? you got something against crummy cars inner south!? HUH!

I tell ya. You wouldnt get this sorta shit on the West side. what a side of town that is!

Unusual Fears

2006-05-08T16:07:00.000+09:30

Im gonna start off by saying that yes I am a wuss and yes I am scared of spiders. They are horrible creatures spawned by the devil.

But its not that odd or interesting to be scared of spiders. Lots of people are, some much more than me. This one is about 'unusual fears'. For me my unusual fear is people with big frizzy hair being near me.

Its not that I am scared of hair, If i find a hair on me I usually dont care about it brush it off and move on with my life, but if I am seated near or standing near someone in a confined space who has big/long frizzy hair which looks like its gonna fly away any minute I feel gross and cant pay attention to anything other than their horrible hair.

I mean its quite disgusting to have hair that looks like it will attack passers by. Do something about it you ugly ugly people.

One of my friends has an unusual fear in that he is scared of ears. Or at least he is completely repulsed by them. He will become upset if you touch your ear around him or do anything that causes him to look at them. He is often seen sporting a hairdo that covers his ears up. I guess they are pretty weird lookin things but so are noses and arseholes.

The most entertaining fear that I have come across is my housemates fear of buttons. She is frightened to death of them. They make her dry wretch on occasion. Even the word scares her. I dont remember the story as to why she was scared of buttons in the first place but it happened at a young age and Im assuming it was something to do with her disgusting toilet habits.

One day I was in a video store and she was shutting down all of my suggestions on what to hire. So I asked her if we could hire this, she turned around and i licked my shirt button in front of her. She went completely white and looked like she was going to spew right there and then.

It was the greatest day of my life.

The Snorkle

2006-05-01T14:49:00.000+09:30

On Saturday night I headed out to see some bands. Just another night out on the weekend I thought. Just another night watching people do things and having a few quiet beers to aid my enjoyment of them. Just a nice night out on the town. Nothing to worry about at all.

That was before I got Snorkled.

'Snorkled?' you ask my dear reader. Well let me explain to you what a Snorkle is.

Basically you get a straw, bend it close to the end, burn a small hole in the bend and put it a bottle. Put the burnt hole in your mouth and cover the bottle top with your mouth also. But make sure the original end of the straw is poking out of your mouth so that you have a 'snorkle' to bring in the air from the outside of the bottle.

Make sense? Anyway then you tip the bottle up and pour it into your mouth. Somehow due to the wonders of science the bottle will empty into your mouth in roughly 2-5 seconds. Meaning you have to gulp that fucker as fast as you can to avoid it pouring all over you.

Now I will explain how this party trick cause my demise.

After having a few quiet beers maybe 3-4 the publican of this bar asked me if I wanted to have a snorkle. As an important member of the entertainment industry I have many publicans trying to bribe me with gifts so I frequent their pub more, this place was no exception. The publican, who we shall call 'Curly' from now on, proceded to create the snorkel from me with a bottle of some smirnoff mixer (a slapper drink). He did it, then I did.

I felt like the bottle had raped me. It pretty much squirted into my stomach like some sort of torpedo. It made me shaky and dizzy. About 5 minutes later the sugar and booze hit and I was quite drunk but also full of loads of sugar and thus became rowdy.

I then did my usual running around ranting at whomever will listen, basically being the life of any party. I proceeded to have several more beers before the idea of snorkling was brought up again. By this stage I was too drunk to think straight and decided it to be the best suggestion ever made. I went and did another one with another publican and felt amazing. This time a crowd had drawn together of people wanting to see the spectacle. People were amazed and cheering. I wanted everyone to do it and started chanting SNORKLE SNORKLE, like some sort of excited scuba diver.

Soon more people had done them and I needed to do another one. This time it was a smirnoff black. The strongest of all these lolly waters. Snorkled.

I was fucked. I no longer made sense as I berrated people until they snorkled, leaving them shell shocked as I moved onto another person to rape with a beverage. One of my sober friends decribed to me the next day that anyone who had had a snorkle made little sense and would just talk non-stop in a very nonsensical manner. I assume I was like this, TO THE EXTREME!

And somewhere in that last snorkle was a one way ticket to spew central. And I had caught the express.

I got taken out of there and driven home. It was bad. I had to get my lady to pull over about 4 times to spew on the side of the road. The most memorable one being on greenhill road leaning over a wire fence while my lady laughed at my shouting vomit spray. I got home and spewed again. Im not really sure how many times. But it was horrible. So many wasted snorkles in a bucket.

My housemate told me of how he was woken up by my loud shouting which I apperently do as the spew is flying out of my mouth. Pretty talented I would say.

Everyone should snorkle at least once in thier life, but maybe not 3 times in one night.

FUCK TOLERANCE and THE PIMPLY SARGENT

2006-04-26T15:21:00.000+09:30

The other night on the way home from work I walked passed some strange thing with lots of young people dressed up in army type uniforms trying to recruit idiots to help them blow up things.

As I walked passed I was alarmed at how young these people were. Some of them looked like they were 12 years old, but then again everyone under the age of 18 looks the same to me. You know awkward, greasy, just generally ugly.

All this was enough to get me annoyed and confused with the world but then I saw something that really made my blood boil. Two kids that looked about 14 years old, pretty short, one quite fat were talking to an older kid. The fat one was talking about something or rather normally the way most people do when suddenly the older one said 'WHAT WAS THAT!!??'

'OH SORRY I MEAN SARGENT, SARGENT'
'THATS BETTER' the old one replied.

The 'older' one looked about 16. Horrible acne. About 5 feet tall. Looked like a fukin nerd. The sort of nerd that even I would beat up. And there he was talking to some poor kid like he was trash cause he didnt call him Sargent. It made me mad!

Is that how you get your kicks is it Bobby!? Making kids say your name! Say your bloody rank. The world is full of tossers like this and this guy Im sure will get lots of promotions until he can yell at everyone for not sayin his rank to him.

Rant 2:

Tolerance is the most overused word by jerks ever. 'We need to tolerate people or all nationalities' blah blah blah. We even had the International Year of Tolerance a few years back.

Well I say FUCK TOLERANCE! I will no longer tolerant tolerance. WHY? Cause its a big fat cop-out.

To say you tolerate someone and their lifestyle is like saying 'I know there are spiders in my room, I dont like that they are there, but I will live with them, I can tolerate the spiders'

CRAP on a STICK!

We should not tolerate people and 'put up' with their c-razy foreign, different ways. We should UNDERSTAND them and accept them. Welcome them as a part of our society. And if someone is particular is a fuking jerk, DONT accept that person.

Im sick of hearing PC dickheads talk about tolerance and how the world needs more of it. Tolerance stops discussions. The mentality makes no sense to me 'ok they are over there and thats where they are staying, I can live with that'. Wake up buddy!

Ok this rant is starting to get a bit free form here.

Point = Understanding not Tolerance

end.

Monday Gripe

2006-04-24T11:47:00.001+09:30

There are some expressions that people say that drive me absolutely nuts! Things that people say all the time for no real reason. Especially in offices.

1. 'At the end of the day'

At the end of what bloody day!? It it was used to explain a time when something was going to happen ie; 'at the end of the day I am going to kick you in the nuts' that would be fine...but its used in some strange way that makes no sense whatsoever to me. NULL AND VOID!

2. '24/7'

Oh so youre one of those types that does stuff all the time. You do it so much that you literally do it 24 hours a day 7 days a week. Amazing. You should be given a prize. You should be allowed to say 24/7 till the cows come home. Well done.

3. 'and yeah'

The most annoying one of all. This bothers me to no end. Some people might stop me here and say 'what have you got a problem with stupid people'. Yes, yes I do. People who finish a sentence with 'and yeah' are fuking morons. If I was a teacher and someone said that in my class they would be dropped down a grade.

So it goes like this. Some dumb cockhead says 'So the other day I was all like the fattest loser but then I remembered I had to go out and hang with the doods so I decided I should tape the end and ....YEAH!'

Oh so you are agreeing with what you have stated? You did a good job there kid. Well done. Learn to finish a sentence when it needs to be! gawd.

Thats enough for today. My body is aching from playing soccer yesterday, it was the first exercise Id done in ages and I am really paying for it today. It was fun tho I think ill do it again and ...yeah.

Google Me, Google You

2006-04-20T14:28:00.000+09:30

If I had 5 cents for every page on the web I am mentioned on I would have about 20 dollars.

Last night I was talking to a friend about stuff and he mentioned trying to get in contact with the other people of the same name as him in order to do some fun wacky things. He searched for his name online and found other people with the same name.

A quick google of my name "Matt Banham" brings up around 400 results. and are large proportion of them are actually me! It seems that I am the most famous Matt Banham in the world. That is a pretty awesome achievement I say. The other Matt Banham that comes close is some sort of professional football player from America. I assume he could be more famous than me, but I dont really know why.

Also if you image google my name you get 5 pictures, 3 of them are of me and one is of some very unfortunate looking man. Which also makes me the most handsome Matt Banham around!

Another win for me!

When I first got an email address back in 1997 I creativly chose mattbanham@hotmail.com about 1 year later I recieved an email for another Matt Banham...the one at yahoo.com (apparently we are a creative bunch). It was an email from a girl who had had relations with this other Matt Banham and was writing to find out what the hell had gone on between them. It was quite an emotional email and a great read at that. Turns out the other Matt Banham was a jerk and I sounded like a much nicer guy.

So I might also be the nicest Matt Banham.

Whats the point of this post. I dont really know but I do know that I am perhaps the most famous, handsomest and nicest Matt Banham on the planet.

In the History of recorded time.

FOREVER!

Pretty cool ey.

A life saving tool.

2006-04-18T11:14:00.000+09:30

Someone showed me this online today http://www.toiletmap.gov.au/

Hopefully if I memorize this well enough the incidences of a few posts ago will never happen again.

Organic Schmanic

2006-04-10T14:23:00.000+09:30

So apparently the modern western world is becoming more and more conservative. Well at least there seems to be a movement from the youth towards the right as apposed to the left to which they are usually drawn.

This is of a great concern to me as I consider myself to be a bit of a lefty, but at the same time do not want to associate myself with the majority of 'left wing' people i meet. Im sure there are a lot of reasons why people are increasingly becoming annoyed by 'lefties' however I point the finger at organic food shops.

Now im sure they aint all bad but there is one in the city that makes my blood boil as soon as i walk into it. I feel like dragging a cow into the middle of the shop and carving it up in front of them. Its not just all the terrible slogans they have around the shop that bother me, or the annoying way everything is set out so it looks like you are in some sort of cave, but its mostly the people who work there.

Now I have no real logical reason to dislike these people. They seem harmless but they appear to me as the most annoying people in the world. Why do they have to be so loud and so damn positive about everything? And why do they all have to wear trendy ties? And why do they have to look like something out of 'how to dress like an indie/lefty/tosser boy' magazine.

I cant go in there anymore. Organic food is good for you. And its better to buy organic food than heavily processed food. and its better to buy from small shops as apposed to multinational supermarkets. But god, it is a lot more annoying.

Also the other day I went to a hardware store to buy some stuff. As I was walking around in there I thought to myself 'you know this is great, its a nice little shop, owned by the people who work here, its not like Bunnings'. I then went to the counter and asked where something was.

'ITS OVER THERE!' the woman said very gruffly, and pointed to basically the entire shop.

I then wished I was in Bunnings.

Skit House eat yr heart out!

2006-04-10T10:18:00.000+09:30

I came up with a great idea for a skit. If anyone wants to steal/use it I want $400. I think thats a reasonable price for a gag. dont you!?

ok so here it is:
-----------------
A guy and a girl are walking out of some fancy building. The guy is wearing a plain white polo shirt and the girl is wearing a big fluffy fur coat.

A group of animal right hippies are out the front and they throw red paint at the woman with the fur coat. and a little bit splashes on to the guy in the polo shirt.

The woman looks down horrified at the fur coat ruined, but the guy looks down at his polo shirt with some c-razy paint splashed randomly on it and gets a big smile on his face indicating that he really likes it!
------------------
Genius.

Last weekend some kid told me I should be a comedian. I reckon he was onto something.

A Horrible Misadventure

2006-03-27T14:44:00.000+10:30

After waking up with a hangover on Sunday I had a lot of traveling to do. I had to get back to my place to meet my brother and then after that go back into town. What a bloody life I thought. After getting to my house via trams and buses, meeting my brother, doin some random crap I decided to walk into town from my house as it was a nice day and all.

I started on my trek walking down Goodwood road listening to my music on my Mp3 whatsit.

Now normally after I have had a night of drinking I am a little gassy the next day. So I was doin plenty of farts which aint all that strange cause im a pretty farty guy. 'just a little extra boost to get me where I wanna go' I thought to myself happily farting past the Goodwood Park hotel....how wrong I was.

As I walked passed the Royal Adelaide showgrounds I felt a big fart a coming, thinking nothing of it I just let it rip. Then I stopped. Turned off my Mp3s and stood dead still.

I had shat my pants.

Panic struck me as I first couldnt believe that I had actually done it. Surely at 26 years of age I am old enough to know when I need to go to the toilet, this must be some kind of mistake! But sure enough and the warm runny shit smeared itself all over my butt stuck inside my undies I knew what had happened was indeed real.

What to do. I was about 20 minutes walk from home, 20 minutes walk from the city. I decided to go home. And so I started the longest walk of my life. I soon began to think of how horrible it must be to be a baby in a nappy because after about 5 minutes it really started to hurt. Like sting like crazy. I dont know if there was acid in my pooh but it sure felt like I had some in there and it was laying into my poor helpless anus. I walked like a man with shit in his pants, for I indeed had shit in my pants.

After a horrible walk home I finally burst through the door and went to the bathroom. What a horrible site to behold. Thankfully, somehow my bonds briefs had held it all in (yet another reason why briefs are better than boxers) and so none had gotten on my jeans. Thank god. The briefs where thrown straight into the bin outside my house right after i had showered for a good 20 minutes howling the theme song to the movie 'The Crying Game' all the while.

I now live in fear every time I do a fart and as I said before, Im a pretty farty guy.

Out with the rants, in with the beer.

2006-03-21T16:54:00.000+10:30

Some Observations:

--------------------

Last night I was watching the Commonwealth games on the tellie. The male commentator remarked that the aussie swimmer winning a gold medal was 'one of the pretty ones'. He then quickly said 'Oh but they are all pretty!'

What a gold moment for Australia.

----------------

On the bus today a guy was wearing a studded wristband, this is fine by me, looked a bit lame, but what the hey. Then I noticed his collar was also turned up. SORRY! The Survey says 'YR A FUKIN TOSSER!'

You cant be a punk and a rower at the same time! Idiots!

----------------

Some rich twats smashed my housemates car windshield late the other night. The car that I LIKE TO DRIVE!!!! There were a million fancy cars on the street why go for the crummiest looking one. Probably had something against the hard working people in the world. One day their ivory mansions will fall and Ill be there to swipe their heated towel racks and sell them on ebay.

More Festival Reports.

2006-03-14T09:46:00.000+10:30

I should point out a couple of good things I have seen at this festival shabam so far. The last post was a bit negative and it aint all bad. And as this blog can make or break an show there are 2 worth checking out. And they are right next to each other!

I have no idea what they are called, but I will describe them to you.

1) The crazy robot wings.
Its at the Experimental Art Foundation (next to the Jam Factory) and its a room full of robotic wing type things that get filled up with air and go up and down. Probably dont sound to flash by my description. But believe me its pretty damn impressive. And pretty funny when you see it tickling some snob in the back of the neck while they drink their wine. Good show yes.

2) The video of a tree made out of furniture.
Features a guy with a fake beard turning a gigantic tree into a room full of furniture. I liked this quite a lot. The tree is in the gallery itself too. Trust me its good. Its at the Jam Factory.

I assume these things are still on. Who knows tho. Its a crazy world of mayhem out there.

I have a bruise on my hip from where my housemate kicked me in a bar on the weekend. I keep bumping it on stuff and it hurts. When I get home I am going to kick his ass.

Festival Wrap Up

2006-03-08T12:00:00.000+10:30

This last week I have been goin to a lot of semi-exclusive art type parties. One of the perks of my current relationship. The world of art is a strange one indeed. There are people you see at these things that you wouldnt expect to see, and there are people you really would rather not see. It seems about 90% of the people there are not actually there to see the art, but to rather be seen at the art place. I guess its similar to music in some regards.

Anyway over the weekend I made a few observations, here they are:

1. At the Adelaide Art gallery bienialle thingo, everyone was white. And Im not just saying white skinned, but WHITE. Really fuking white. Now Im a whitey so I cant talk but these people were straight off the boat of White town white. The kind of people who would see some foreign or traditional art and think of it as quaint and probably by some to round out their study with some 'other worldy' items.

Actually one of my friends the said they saw a play the other night about African Refugees and heard someone in the audience say 'I know its sad and all but Im really over African Refugees'. Good to hear! Im sure they are pretty much over being refugees too!

Anyway I digress...

2. The Adelaide Art Gallery Bienialle thingy is 99% absolute shite. It made me angry as I wandered around it. Maybe that was a good thing, I dont know, but it was mostly horrible crap. There were a couple of exceptions. Some nice videos of paint and a camera on wheels. And a thing made out of what looked like play-doh was good. But god there was some shite in there. Im sure it will be a great success.

3. Watching richies clamber towards a table trying to get free booze is hilarious. I can understand poor artists tryin to get all the freebies they can get but even the mega-rich type can get in a fluster trying to get a free glass of cheap champagne. I saw one old lady with 2 glasses of wine, at first I thought she was holding one for someone else, but she was drinking from both! Maybe there is a wine shortage in Burnside.

4. The 'King Pins' are very good where as 'Gossip Pop' suck.

5. Commercial Art gallery owners or managers or whatever they are, are very cagey individuals. And will not tell you how much money they are making no matter how many times you shout 'WHATS THE BOTTOM LINE?!' at them whilst drunk. They also sometimes look like Jeff Goldblum.

6. Mike Rann does not have super hearing. I muttered so many insults at him whilst standing 2 metres away but he didnt notice any. Its a good thing for him too cause they were Zingers! 'Rann Gets Rannsults!'

7. If you switch off random lights at the 'land o fake Persia' festival thingo, the staff will turn them back on almost immediately. They are really on top of things down there.

8. David Byrne isnt as smart as I thought he was.

Part Time Bliss

2006-03-07T15:21:00.000+10:30

This is my last week of Full-Time work for what I hope is the rest of my life. I have spent the last year working full time and I have decided that it is not for me. Maybe it works for some people. Maybe some people like the routine in their lives. I mean what else is there to do during the day?

But as of next week I will only be working 3 days a week. Which means 4-day weekends EVERY weekend. Life is going to be amazing. I plan to walk around the city beaming.

I will be like a modern day Huck Finn. Ive never read that book but I think he is a pretty happy-go-lucky/care-free type of guy.

Train Tickets

2006-02-24T11:28:00.000+10:30

So I work in a place where there are a lot of brainiacs around who know about science. A lot of wackos call up and want to know things or tell things to the brains or as it turns out usually to me, cause no one else really wants to talk to them. I always explain to them that I dont know anything about this stuff as I am just the receptionist, but this doesnt seem to bother many people.

I have lots of serial callers, the strangest of whom just calls and sighs a lot then says 'so what do you think?'
'What do I think about what?' I reply
'Well, I just want to get your opinion'
'I dont really have the time to talk to you today sir'
'Time, now thats a funny thing, what do you think about Time'

It goes on like that for a while.

I had a lady call me up this morning wanting to talk to someone about magnets. What about magnets I asked.
'Well I want to find out a way to stop my train tickets from demagnetizing because they always do and its EXTREMELY frustrating'

She sounded pissed off, like I had been goin into her bags and rubbing magnets on her tickets. Like I got nothing better to do! I asked a couple of people if they wanted to talk to her, no one did, so it was left up to me.

Anyways I said to her that it would be better for her to call the place that sell her the tickets as they would have a better idea of what they are made of exactly.
'Well I already tried that and they just told me not to let it near any magnets'
'Well DO you put it near magnets?'
'Yes'
'Well I think that is the problem'
'No no, you dont understand, I have a purse with a magnetic clip like all women! They dont make them without magnetic clips!!'
'I dont think thats true, you can get them without magnets'
'NOT THAT IVE SEEN'

It was then that I realised that I was going nowhere. For some bloody reason this woman decided they only made one fuking purse in the world. Now unless she is a communist I'm pretty sure there is a whole range to choose from. Ive seen women around, they have lots of different kinds of purses.

But she was determined to get an answer on how to store the tickets without gettin magnets all over them.
'How bout putting them in your pocket'
'They would fall out!'
'Your shoe'
'Thats not very convenient!'
'Well you just need to keep them away from magnets. Find somewhere without magnets and put them in there'
'I dont have anywhere!!!!'

I then said I couldnt help her and I was busy. She sounded pissed off and hung up.

HAVE MERCY!!!

Lost Rant

2006-02-21T16:48:00.000+10:30

I was writing a rant about mobile phones when my computer crashed. What a bummer. I can hear the sighs of disappointment from the listeners now.

So instead I will write a small conversation I had with a student the other day:

Student: 'Can you tell me where the computer suit is'
Me: 'Computer SUIT?!'
Student: 'Yeah the computer suit where you go where all the computers are'
Me: 'Oh you mean the computer suite(pronounced sweet)'
Student: 'HUH?!'

On the Subject of Heckling

2006-02-17T14:21:00.000+10:30

I was at a show the other night were someone was heckling. The performer was from the US and was considered something of a big shot. Now his show was good, and a very interesting performance, but I could see how some people could find it boring. I even got bored from time to time. But hell I get bored at most gigs unless I see my friends up on stage, but thats another rant.

So this guy was heckling about him being boring or whatever and a lot of people were gettin angry at him.

I actually found the whole thing quite funny and entertaining. I like seeing audience interaction. I like it as an audience member and as a performer. And I dont think that anyone is beyond being heckled or cheered for that matter. A gig is not a CD. Its in a public arena where the sound of the audience is a part of it. If you want silence when listening, listen to it on CD.

It is a bit odd that someone would wanna pay 15 bucks to heckle someone but maybe they were expecting a different show. And maybe they went too far. But to tell you the truth I could hardly hear the heckler, what I could hear very clearly however was all the people tellin him off.

Its like people who told me to shuush at the movies when I was laughing through a badly done death scene in Dante's Peak, or when I got glares for singing along and requesting songs at Okkervil River.

If you want silence stay at home.

ps. this might annoy my friends. I apologise, but I stand by my opinion.

The F-Word

2006-02-09T16:35:00.000+10:30

Ok Im calling it. I heard by ask for the word funk(y) and all of its derivatives to be banned from the English language. The only time the word funk should ever be used, and it should be sparingly, is when used to describe 'funk music' and for particularly bad smells.

If someone uses 'funky' in my presence to describe themselves, their clothes, my hair, their day or their personality I will scream at them and call them fucked.

It is one of the most annoying words used in the world today and 99% of the people who use the word are absolute tossers. I would like to see some sort of uses of the F-word colony made for them all so they can say 'funk' to their hearts content never again bothering me.

Other words that need to be banned for various are as follows:

Groovy (a close relative to funky)
Maccas (its called fuking Mcdonalds people!)
Ripe
Lentils
Tolerance.

The world will be a much happier place without this part of our language. Now if youre all very good I might rant next about my call to ban all religion.

Boy Crazy

2006-02-07T11:55:00.000+10:30

Sometime last year I went a bit bonkers. Well I was feelin a bit out of sorts. Hell I dunno, I was just partying too much. I found myself single and confused with what the hell I was doin with my life.

I went out most weekends and got damn drunk. But a good drunk. It was at this time that I started doing what I had contemplated doing on and off from time to time. Pash boys.

I tried it on with lots of boys that i would run into around the place. Most of whom would laugh and just tell me to look elsewhere. 'No seriously go away, I love you Matt but Im not gonna kiss you'. Despite all my attempts followed by rejection I didnt give up. And finally had a winning streak. I pashed a few boys. Only about 3 properly the rest were weird things that should be more likened to attacks of the face.

Two things I learnt from all of this is one, that stubble pushed against you feels horrible when you are kissing someone. I think if I ever started a relationship with a man I would force him to wax his face in the hope that it would remain smooth.

The other is that boys are crap at kissing. Well crap at kissing me. They dont know what the hell they are doing. I should really teach a class for boys. Cause let me tell ya, these lips know what they are doing.

The pash frenzy ended when I had 2 dreams that freaked me out a little. One where I dreamed my housemate showed me a lot of snakes (read about this in more detail previously on this blog), and the other where I went to bed with my other housemate planning to have sex with him. But was not able to because his penis was shaped like a steak. It looked horrible and I didnt want to go near it.

However it did bring arise to the expression 'pounding the schnitzel'.

Which incidentally is the point of this post. This phrase should be used commonly for men when they want to talk about 'rubbin one out'.

Playin at the ol' BDO

2006-02-06T13:39:00.000+10:30

So my band played the Big Day Out in Adelaide. And yes we were amazing. It was very easy to play there in the end, lots of people helping us out and most of the local bands we shared the stage with were really nice and easy to get along with. I even had people wanting to get their photo taken with me. That was very unusual but entertaining.

The best band I saw all day was Wendy Icon. An Adelaide band Id never even heard of. They were the best showmens Id seen in a very long time, complete with flares strapped to guitars and cream pies. Ill be seeing them again.

I hung out backstage with The Go Team. That was pretty fun. I spoke to the guy called Ian. We talked boring recording stuff that I found very interesting, but im sure anyone listening in would have been bored stiff. Then Henry Rollins walked passed and I was confused by both his neck and his strange attitude. I dont get him. He was good in his early days but now I think of him as a bit of a joke. Seemed like a nice enough chap tho. and The Mars Volta have the most amount of band gear Ive ever seen.

I was also lucky enough to take a piss with 2 members of Wolf and Cub.

The rider at the BDO was not all that we had dreamed. There were no sandwiches to speak of. I was forced to go to the sausage sizzle tent.

I had a choice between BBQ sausage, and gourmet sausage. The difference being $2.50. I asked the Indian man behind the counter what the difference between the two were and he replied in a very Apu from the simpsons type voice 'The gourmet sausage has several herbs and spices'. I went the gourmet. Im pretty sure the only difference is that it came in a hot dog bun as apposed to a piece of bread.

But it hit the spot.

It was a nice day. I got tired and a bit bored of seeing bands by the end of it. But it was fun times.

Wow what a boring and non funny post. ill have to funny it up somehow....bah i cant be bothered.

Misheard Lyrics

2006-02-01T11:38:00.000+10:30

Inspired by a Sweet Raxxx gig I went to on the weekend where a crowd of people thought they were shouting 'Die Bridget Die' rather than 'Die Plain Jane Die', Bridget being the name of an audience member, I have some of my own misheard lyrics stories...

My band has a song that goes 'I thought you were my peak, but it turns out you're a ridge, I must climb over you'. I dont know if I mumble too much but a lot of people have misheard this one. Rather than hearing Peak and Ridge they hear words like Pig, Bitch, Rich, Wig and lots of others that make the song sound a lot harsher than it is. So much so that I have offended someone, and that a man came up to me once and said 'dude I like that song about the pig bitch woman, but thats a bit harsh aint it'.

However perhaps the best misheard lyric Ive ever witnessed was by one of my good pals who decided to sing very loudly and proudly the popular Guns n Roses song 'Paradise City'. However he sang 'Take me down to THE VERY FIRST city'. Laughs all round. 'But I thought that was what he sung', he argued even tho the title of the song suggested being taken to a paradise like city.

Comedy instilled.

Piss and Shit

2006-01-30T15:07:00.000+10:30

*Warning: Poo related entry*

One of my good time buddies was telling me that he recently had dinner with his family and somehow during the conversation his mother declared that women should be taught to shit and piss their pants on cue so as to deter rapists. Assuming that the rapist would be so grossed out by the shit and piss that they would not rape the victim.

An interesting theory.

I thought this could also work in many different circumstances. For instance I am a lazy man, I am also a man with bowel issues. I have a wonderful problem called Irritable Bowel Syndrome or IBS or even Spastic Bowel. This is a modern day problem that affects lots of people, I get it pretty bad sometimes, causes lots of bloating and gas.

Anyway...I figured if there was something I reeeeeally didnt want to do I could get out of doing it by shitting or pissing my pants. Lets say for example conscription was brought back in and I was going to be sent off to war. I wonder if I could get out of going if I told them I cant control my bowels. And shat myself during the interview. GENIUS!

The possibilities for shirking responsibilities are endless:

War
Lifting heavy things
A great way out of any blind date gone wrong
Backing a trailer out of a driveway
Cooking dinner
Washing Up
Waiting in line for something (surely they would let you to the front if you shat your pants)

And many many more. Of course it would cause you to loose friends and respect from most of the general public. BUT my life will be one hell of a lot easier.

I will need to own more than one pair of pants however...

'Because the writers have a dick in their mouth'

2006-01-24T16:43:00.000+10:30

Every now and then I am reminded of the brilliance of Bill Callahan aka Smog.

I read this today from an interview he did with popmatters.com:

---------------------

PopMatters: When I asked the last two artists I interviewed what contemporary musicians they liked most, they both immediately mentioned Smog. Richard Buckner even said that he buys everything you release "the minute it comes out". How does that make you feel?

Bill Callahan: I have come to realize that I am really, really fucking good. So much better than almost everything that is going on around me. I am sorry but it is true.

PM: How do you feel about having your own entry in Wikipedia, which says that you are "widely seen as one of the important figures of American indie rock in the '90s"?

BC: I told you, I am really, really fucking good. These things don't surprise me. I'm going to be on the cover of Webster's Dictionary next year.

PM: Why do you think some of your songs have been called misogynistic?

BC: Because the writers have a dick in their mouth.

--------------------------------

fuking genius.

A hungry man goes bowling

2006-01-23T11:23:00.000+10:30

When a man wants a sausage, he should get a fukin sausage!

Yesterday I went to that new lawn bowls for yuppies place that is sweeping the town. It was my second time there and I have to admit that it was sort of pleasant there. Nice bar, nice beer, nice and cool outside...however it was full of absolute wankers.

The sort of people that make me wanna run round with a big pointy hand and just slap them all in their stupid faces. You know the type, visors, polo shirts, charity wrist bands. Tossers.

Anyway I tried to ignore them and have a nice time with my beer.

A nice part of this place is the BBQ. Its a bit bloody expensive for the amount you get, $7 for half a plate full of food, but it tastes good and Ill pay high prices for meat when Im drinking. Know what Im sayin.

However after finishing my half plate of meat I was still quite peckish. Call me a fatty but I wanted another sausage. You can just get a sausage and bread if you like. So I went back there to get me another nice banger. When I arrived there were about 3 tossers hanging out at the BBQ waiting for the food.

'Id like a sausage and bread thanks' I said politely with im about to eat a sausage smile on my face.

The woman next to me turns to me quite abruptly and states 'You cant have one cause we are buying it all'. I thought she was joking and laughed. Those crazy tossers they like a good joke from time to time ey. 'No we are actually buying it all, you cant have any'.

I looked at the BBQ covered in sausages and hamburger patties and said, 'well all I want is one sausage and bread' my smile turning to a worried concerned expression.

'NUP! We are taking the lot, we have to feed all these people' she pointed to a group of jerks standing around a table, each one covered in more dick than the next.

'I just want ONE! I will pay you $5 for a sausage and bread!' I said quite boldly pulling out the cash and waving it around. She stood there thinking for a second...'No we need them ALL!'

It was then I got mad, they didnt need it all. They had heaps of fuking sausages, the people making the BBQ looked uncomfortable, they knew she was being unreasonable. and so I shouted

'YOU DONT NEED ALL THAT FOOD, YOU ARE ALL HIDEOUSLY OBESE!!!!'

She was a thin enough woman but didnt find this amusing at all. She looked really pissed off and turned the other way no longer wanting to continue the conversation. I stood there for about a minute longer waiting for something to happen. Nothing did. I went to the bar and got a beer. That I later dropped.

Adelaide Pubs - My Story

2006-01-19T13:25:00.000+10:30

Inspired by this part of the Adelaide index website here: http://www.adelaideindex.com/?page=map
I have decided to write some of my stories in relation to where they have taken place. As I have spent a good deal of my adult life in pubs around the city, I will tell stories of things that have happened to me in the various nightspots around Adelaide. After all its in pubs when the best things happen to you...

The Exeter Hotel:

The Exeter is a place that I spend the large majority of my time as it is my favorite pub in Adelaide. I have many good stories from this place but the one that always springs to mind first occurred back when I was about 18. After meeting a friend of a friend who spoke Japanese we spent a good portion of the night talking crap about Japan and getting drunker and drunkerer. I was drinking some sort of scotch I think. Something I wasnt entirely used to at that age in my drinking life. Now this man, whos name I forget, was gay. This did not bother me at all but it is important to the story. Anyway after being told to leave the Exeter cause it was closing I stood up from my table and the room started spinning. I did not feel very good. I walked from the beer garden, through the hallway and out the front door. As soon as I stepped through the front door I progectile vomited all over the tables in front of the Exeter and onto a few of the people who were sitting there. I remember a lot of screams and shouts. I thought it was all rather funny and laughed a lot. Then I went to the gutter and finished the job. My new gay friend decided he better get me out of there before I was lynched and escorted me off down the street. The next I remember was waking up in the Eastern parklands on a bench with my new friends head in my lap. I looked down to see him smiling up at me. 'Is this ok?' he asked, 'errr not really' I replied. He lifted his head from my crotch and sat up putting his arm around me stroking my hair. 'I wanna go home' I moaned. He then drove me home which I thought was very nice of him. I later found out that he talked to all of my friends and told them that I was a prick-tease and that I was in denial about my sexuality. I must have pissed him off with my friendlyness. What a jerk.

The Crown 'n' Scepter:

This place USED to be my favorite pub. As a youngster I had many a good time there. Very nice place it was indeed. Its now a pile of shit that I dare not step into now, however it looks as though it does a lot better business these days. It was at the Crown and Scepter that I met a lot of my current friends. It was a popular place for Adelaide bands to play so a lot of people would be there that I sort of knew. At the time I was working evening shift in a meat freezer. A place I used to steal from regularly. One night I had come directly from work to the CnS to see a band or something. In my backpack I had a large amount of stolen meat. Top quality meat I might add, if your gonna get caught stealing you might as well get caught stealing the best, not worth loosing your job for some no frills ham. Anyway it was a warm night and I had a bag full of meat at the CnS. I got quite drunk and started offering my meat to people I hardly knew, who I now call my friends. To my surprise no one wanted free meat from the drunk guy in a pub. I was quite drunk and tried to explain to them that the meat was top quality and that they were turning down some damn good eatin here! But to no avail. I later found out once I got to know these people that I was referred to 'the meat guy'. A name I wish I still championed.

The Crown and Anchor:

Most of these stories are from my late teen years. A point in my life when I was going a bit mad. I was in a long distance relationship, studying full-time, working a lot of nights in a freezer, and drinking an awful lot. I was also as troublesome as I could be to the general population. And for some reason the Crown and Anchor brought out the worst in me. Still does actually. I may have mentioned this story before but here we go again. It was a hot summers night. I was drunk. I had somehow come into the possession of a water pistol. I ran through the pub shooting as many people as I could. Some people found it funny. Others did not. I squirted some girl who screamed in horror, as I ran past i felt something very hard hit me in the back just below my neck. I fell to the floor. As I turned around and looked up I saw a very angry man holding the girls hand. I realised he had punched me in the back for squirting his lady. As a skinny young drunk I decided it was best not to continue the fight and offered him my water pistol. He told me to get fucked at that was the end of that.

The Grace Emily:

Around the time of this event I had discovered that if you grabbed your cheeks and pulled them back and forth quickly you could make a sound a lot like a man masturbating. I thought it was hilarious. Unfortunately you could not talk while doing that so additional sound effects were impossible. I came up with a great gag to go into a toilet cubicle with someone else, make that sound while the other person made groaning 'oh momma' sounds to give the illusion that there was someone masturbating in the toilet. What a great gag I thought! One drunken eve at the Grace Emily I was telling my new friend Debbie my zany scheme. She thought it was a great idea and agreed with me to go into the boys toilets and help me carry out my dream prank. As we walked into the toilets together a cranky looking man was coming out. We thought nothing of it and hid in the cubicle. I was trying to make the sound but unfortunately we were too busy giggling at what we were trying to do to actually pull it off. As we crouched in there giggling waiting for our first victim to arrive we heard a large banging on the toilet door. 'Come out of there!' a guy yelled. We waited a few seconds and reluctantly opened the door, the cranky guy had told the bar staff that we were in there. I tried to explain to the guy that we wernt really do what he thought. He didnt seem to care. And just wanted us out of his toilets. The prank was never pulled off. I later heard that a couple weeks later, my partner in crime was once again at the Grace, this time in the womens toilets when someone smashed a mirror in there. The same guy came running into the toilets to see Debbie standing there near the mirror. He remembered her and blamed her. She protested her innocence but I dont think he believed her. Oh well.

The Worlds End and Shotz:

One night I was at the Worlds End with some pals of mine, we were all having a nice few ales together. My lady friend at the time wanted to go home so I took her home, not wanting her to go home on her own. We lived on Frome st which was very close to Shotz and so I told my friends that when they got to Shotz to call me and I would meet them there. I was keen to party on you see. After coming home my lady friend went to bed and I sat watching late night tv, waiting for my friends to call. I was a little drunk and quite hungry. I noticed in the kitchen a loaf of fresh bread. I decided to make myself a nice butter sandwich. I made that and ate it quickly declaring it a taste sensation. I continued to make butter sandwiches and eat them while watching tv until my friends called. By the time they called I suddenly realised that I had eaten the entire loaf of bread. Feeling a bit queezy I still walked to Shotz determined to keep the party going. After standing around there for a little bit with my pals ever so slowly sipping on my schooner of beer, I rushed to the toilet feeling very awful. I proceeded to throw up the entire loaf of bread which was still in a very solid breaddy like state. I didnt feel ill after that but unfortunately I had gotten a lot of it on my clothes and so had to go home. It was a sad day in the life of party Matt. And a sorry day for party enthusiasts everywhere.

Mayor Matt

2006-01-16T14:34:00.000+10:30

It is becoming quite apparent to me that I now own this town. I have quite obviously become its king and everyone else are my loyal subjects. If you read Ianto Wares blog you will find him telling you that he is in fact a king among men. But all he has to stake this claim is that he can peddle his fat arse up a hill.

La di fukin dah.

Me on the other hand have many reasons to claim this.

Firstly my band is on the cover of dB magazine right now. The last local band to be on there was the Hot Lies. And look at them now. Kings of emo. Soon the title will be back in my hands.

Not only am I on the cover but there is also a lovely interview with me proclaiming to be the best in the country. I wonder if i can quote myself in press releases. I saw a guy do it on a Wilco documentary after he got kicked out of the band for being a wanker. hmmm...

Secondly I have randoms coming up to me and giving me compliments. People I have never seen are coming up to me in places around town telling me how great I am. I mean, what is this supposed to do to a mans ego? Surely its going to inflate.

I even went to the trouble of shaving off my sideburns after a strange woman complimented me on them. I dont want compliments about my facial hair. I want it for my raw talent. RAW talent = RAW face!

I have also had people point and stare at me. This made me feel slightly uncomfortable. I finally understand how poor Sarah Mcloud of the Superjesus must have felt 5 years ago. I saw the poor girl walking through the mall disguised in dark glasses and a big jacket to hide her fame from the world. At the time I laughed to myself. 'Why would she want to hide from the world' I giggled. Now I finally know.

I love my people, but I have trouble being amongst them. Please email me your compliments, or post glowing letters. Face to face is hard as I need to have my private life too. If a man wants to adopt a baby from a starving mother, then let a man adopt a baby.

My friend informed me that 2006 is the Chinese year of over-confidence. I wonder if I should take any of that into account. But its also the year of the dog too. I dont see too many dogs taking over the pop charts anytime soon, but then again last year a frog and some fuking animal called schnappy the crocodile both had big hits...maybe Ruffles the Wonder dog will have a hit with a remix of 'give a dog a bone'.

Actually that gives me an idea....

30 = past it?

2006-01-13T13:21:00.000+10:30

I have been known for stating several times that once you have passed 30 your life is over. Finished. Kaput.

What possible excitements and new experiences can you have after 30 that warrant living much past that. I have argued this opinion with several of my friends. Most whom have disagreed with me and argued strongly against my opinion. I remained convinced of my position that after 30 life was basically crippled with the realisation that there is nothing really left.

I have held this belief strongly in my mind for several years. That was until one woman changed my mind on the whole idea. That one woman is...

MADONNA

Madonna has proven to me that life after 30 can be very eventful and sometimes better than before 30. I believe her body of work after 30 to be far superior than that of her youth. A very unusual occurance for a musician. Sure I like a lot of her early stuff and some of its damn catchy, but my god her new stuff is genius.

Her new song 'Hung up' is one of the best songs ive heard in a very long time. Sure she has made some big errors. Trying to rap for example, covering American Pie, wearing horrible army clothes, but we can forgive her of these slight errors for her otherwise non-stop genius.

Just look at some of the highlights from her 30s onwards...She turned 30 in 1988 btw.

Released the following hits: Like a Prayer, Vogue, Justify My Love, Erotica, Ray of Light, Nothing Really Matters, Beautiful Stranger, Dont Tell Me, Die Another Day, Hung Up. To name a few.

Starred in Dick Tracy and Evita.

Released books on Sex, had babies, signed huge record deals.

It seems that she has been more successful after 30 than before. What a woman. What a world.

What does this mean for me? Well it means i can take it easy for a few more years. chill. whats the flowers grow. eat more.
Ill be happy to wait till im 35 till i sign with sony records. I can struggle for a bit longer.

I think I will have to buy that newish Madonna album pretty soon tho.

A Marvelous Wanker.

2006-01-11T15:12:00.000+10:30

So there has been a severe lack of funnies on this site lately. Blood donation and job searches? Cmon what the hell was I thinking. Have I forgotten about you, the dear reader? Rest assured I have not. I have just been suffering from a form of writers block. Or as I prefer to call it, a non-eventful life.

'But arnt you some sort of famous super star? Surely everyday is full of adventures.' You all ask in disbelief...Alas this is not the case.

However I have had a couple of mini adventures or incidences over the past couple weeks that I shall fill you in on.

- I saw a guy taking a piss at a urinal who was swigging on a bottle of coke whilst doing so. One hand was on his willy the other on the coke. It was quite disturbing, especially when his piss (which I was downstream from) was bright orange. He then needed to hold the bottle in his mouth to do the 'shake' and left without washing his hands.

- Whilst driving down a street near my house a car almost drove into me by backing out of the driveway without looking. I made sure they knew about it by beeping them several times in a very annoying fashion whilst driving slowly past. After about the 5th beep the banshee inside the car screamed 'I CAN HEAR THAT!!!'. She sounded very irate. It was quite entertaining. I love causing road rage. Works very well if you flip someone off. Ive been yelled at at the lights several times after a good flip. Most of them Ive flipped off again during the telling off.
Nothing better than seeing a bald faced wanker go red when you wave at him.

- Hung out at a swanky place called the Treasury. The guy who worked there had to clear the courtyard but I kept goin out there to smoke. He kept telling me to come back inside to which I said I didnt want to make people die from passive smoke. He still told me to come inside. I then proceeded to rant to him about the dangers of passive smoke whilst I smoked away. He didnt think I was making any sense. I was quite drunk. He told me off a few times that night. Was a nice chap tho.

- Also have just been called a 'Marvelous Wanker' in print. I guess its official.

hmmmm. This might not be up to the usual standard of Dempsey...but stay with me. Something interesting is bound to happen to me, or piss me off soon enough...

Matt needs new Job

2006-01-05T10:00:00.000+10:30

Happy New Year! Yeah yeah. 2006 is gonna be a good one. Well it better be.

I have 2 announcements.

Matt (ie me) needs a new job. I am looking for part time work of almost any nature. Prefrebly something of a non labour intensive nature. Maybe some receptioning type stuff, or call centre crap. I got great credentials. Just look at my job history:

Freezer storeperson
Taxi Driver
Souvineir Shop Attendant
Receptionist/Personal Assistant
Music Teacher

I mean who wouldnt hire me?!

So if you are in Adelaide and know of some work goin that I could do...gotta be part time. I want free time, know what Im saying. Please let me know. email me mattbanham@hotmail.com

Would be greatly appreciated.

-------------

Also my band (no through road) is playin this Sunday at the Wheatsheaf hotel. The gig starts at 4. Little Ice Age are on first. Come along cause we rule.

Comments to end a year...

2005-12-23T11:16:00.000+10:30

Well its been a great year for SFPD. The birth of a blog that Im sure you will all come back to year after year after year...

So to wrap up a good six months or so of bloggin Im putting up the best comments ive received from my posts. A lot of them dont make any sense, some of them are darn funny, and many are abusive to yours truly...especially those written by my friend Nick (Wa).

Enjoy! and see you nest year!

Ianto Ware said...

Two large purchases huh? Maybe you should also invest in a diet plan and some exercise. You need them a lot more than riches and fame.

Levins said...

matt, you left a really big sock at my house. like REALLY BIG. you could probably make a jacket out of it? it's really big man.

Anonymous said...

Ahh, the inept and naive, how little do they and how big they comment.

I hear that people in bands are introverted weeners with no access to any kind of emotion and use music as that medium, they hang around in smokey pubs with alcoholics which they later become and end up on the street injecting heroin into thier arms and selling thier trashed cake hole for money...........

Is this true, surely its what society sees as the workings of a dole bludger in a band that do little for the social endeavour of this planet......??

Rins said...

oh matt, you drunk bastard. never accuse me of being married to ben lee again. that shit hurts! one day someone WILL kick the shit outtta you and mark my words, i'll be there to laugh!

Anonymous said...

Hmmm, write more about Patch Baggums next time.

~ tilda ~ said...

I have been attacked by that bird (or one of its dirty relatives) and after the trauma, I tried to warn this guy who was about to walk into the drop zone, and he laughed at me! c**ksucker.

anna said...

i envy your good hedge experience. i always wanted to jump into a hedge and then i did it and there was a bee in there and it menaced me. now i'm a prisoner to fear.

anna said...

we have the greatest campaign here - they give you cards with flames on them (presumably hellfire) that say "know jesus, no hell. no jesus, know hell!" in faux-hardcore evanescence-style font. the best one has musclebound seminude man in torn robes holding two crosses like guns, and it says "jesus, the ultimate superhero." that's just crazy. everyone knows that gary busey is the ultimate superhero.

Wa said...

dude, you have a dream where your gay friend takes you to a room full snakes, awakens them, which initially frightens you. then you begin to enjoy your experience with the snakes, and your gay intermediary disappears.
ok, so... you want me to introduce you to some guys??

Stepharoo said...
Now I get it - Billy Crystal, Crystal ball, Lucille Ball, Billy Baldwin, Ed Harris...

anna said...
dude you are the gayest thing since gay came to gaytown.

Levins said...
why were you such a soft cock jerk off when you came to visit??
we only had one night of dumbness, that night we drew on all the street signs. i feel so ripped off!
i want my money back!!

Tone said...
Hmm.... True.. but not liked ..... LOVED!
Speaking of hole.. Yesterday I was eating a jam berlina and went to get it out of the bag.. But accidently put my finger in the jam hole.... Is it wrong to be turned on by that? I really felt weird ... cos It was like 'I got to third base with a dessert'.

Anonymous said...
i think it is time you got your own blog tony

honeysmack said...
The myer centre food court, centre shop, does awesome roast beef sandwiches.. warm, on fresh bread.... [insert homer drool]

Anonymous said...
you have no talent at all. i don't even like you, your band is GAY!
you are sterile, you eat yiros' for a living & i dont like your garlic breath!
faggot!
see you at sluttermild where i'll be waitin'
wiv a tequila sunrise to stick up yer arse!

SLUT!

why dont you rub one off on yrself
& let me watch
i luv those matchstick legs!

Anonymous said...
you should pose for suicide girls with all the other whiny bitches.

Anonymous said...
yeah well fuck queensland i say. they never wanted to be federated in the first place so fuck'em harder. What i'd love to do is cut around the Qld border and push'em out into the pacific where they'll hopefully be bombed by some french nuclear test, fucking french.
but yeah, daylight savings sucks arse.

regards
Rickie Lee Jones

Anonymous said...
at least 99% of us have better health, a stable girlfriend and a managable ego.

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Anonymous said...
haha we've all noticed how matt needs help with the fitness.

Wa said...
don't worry matt, its not that you've lost your "boystrousness", its just that yr a fat old tard who's too hopeless to get over a fence.
so CHEER UP!!!

Anonymous said...
he was the greatest musician of all time... thats all i have to say.
and the word i have to type here is fatrope

Wa said...
matt, you were a fat whinging idiot when you were 16, you were a fat whinging idiot when you were 21, and you're a fat whinging idiot now. the numbers don't mean shit.
live in the now, brown-out.

A Man and his Apology.

2005-12-16T15:40:00.000+10:30

Well it seems my last post has offended some of my lady fans.

I have received a few emails stating what a jerk I am. Well the best thing about this all is that I have learnt that I HAVE lady fans. Which is always nice.

So rather than delete the last post, I will retract the statement. Which is the same as deleting it right? But let us all look at the post below and remember a dark day for the lady fans.

In other news...what are all you lady fans doin this weekend. Cause I'm thinking of throwing a 'The New Matt' party. Just come in your bathers.

I dont have a pool...but I do have a bucket of water

oh i cant help but dig that grave can i...

The very model of a major modern wo-man

2005-12-15T14:31:00.000+10:30

In response to the Bland Canyon http://www.blandcanyon.blogspot.com/ list for the 'ideal man of a modern era'.

I am going to make a list of the characteristics of the Ideal Woman. Firstly I would like to state that the man list is ridiculous as EVERYONE is scared of spiders. Except for one of my friends who I saw punch a spider to death recently. That even gave ME chills, you know the womanly kind.

Anyway here is the list:

1) Must be able to cook, and cook well. And like to cook. And whenever
is asked the question 'do you need any help in there', always respond
'no i like cooking, you just drink your beer'

2) Must be able to prepare meat, even if they are a vegetarian. and by prepare I mean soften with their fists

3) Must think I am damn funny. Hang on my every word waiting for the next piece of gold to come out of my mouth. Maybe even write down the best jokes so as to ghost write my memiours 'Matt Banham: Whats it gonna be?'

4) Should always look stunning but take less than 5 minutes to do it.

5) Should spend the most amount of time possible naked. Or at least in their underwear.

6) Any opinions should be based on opinions that I have stated and have been developed with my guidance

7) When I am not around should constantly talk about me to all of their friends and loose any sense of ones own personality

8) Will be happy to name all our children, both male and female 'Matt Banham Jr'

9) Must find my hideous snoring to be hypnotic and soothing

and most importantly

10) must jump for joy every time I break wind and proclaim the smell to be divine.

Upon re-reading this list I fear that I have now ruined any chance I have of keeping/getting a girlfriend for the rest of my life.

Fame Grows...

2005-12-14T16:23:00.000+10:30

Apparently my post about magpies is gonna be read out on a walk/ guided tour or Adelaide today. I wont even be there. Someone else is gonna be reading out my witty banter.

I continue to amaze myself. My head is literally swelling.

Another fascinating Matt weekend.

2005-12-12T11:03:00.000+10:30

Some events of my weekend were thus:

- Turned 26. Felt ok about it too. I am yet to tick any boxes that say 26-30 yet tho...that could be hard.

- Got a tshirt with a picture of a big guy punching a little guy in the face.

- Got 200 business cards with my picture on it, my phone number and my quote "you're alright kid, you're gonna make it in this town". Which i proceeded to hand out to everyone in the Exeter.

- Made some random really angry by giving him my card and pointing out my tshirt. He tried to beat me up. His friends had to hold him back from me. Then fell over a bin and his bag broke spilling cds out onto the road. I can only speculate that he is some sort of DJ and he thought I was trying to get in on his territory cause Im quite well known for my dj-in prowess. I was a bit annoyed that his friends held him back cause he was so drunk Im sure I could have taken him. Then I would have been KING DJ. Those punks make a good wage. And all they do is stand there looking busy.

- Heard my grandma say 'He was so randy you couldnt even leave your boots around the house'. Not exactly sure what this means...but it scared me a little.

- Watched Okkervil River and was amazed by the boring crowd who couldnt even manage a sway from side to side occasionally. Great show tho.

- Got given a dvd player called Magnavox. Watched Napoleon Dynamite for the first time ever. It was pretty good. Got annoyed that I had once been compared to him.

- Sucked a cigarette out of a toy donkeys ass.

- Tried to watch a Bruce Springsteen dvd but couldnt cause my lovely girlfriend was doing horrible impersonations of him and showing absolutely no respect to The Boss. Ill watch that later on.

- Heard a great story about someone who has such a strong gag reflex that they spewed all over thier dentist when they were having a check-up.

- Went to a Fish and Chips shop that had run out of both fish and chips. I was forced to eat a solitary dim sim.

Overall a great weekend had by all!

26 Years Old

2005-12-07T13:36:00.000+10:30

Its my birthday on Friday. 26. Twenty fuking Six.

Oh well, You gotta laugh. Its been an interesting year of my life. Lots happening. It started with me finding myself living back at home. Word of advice. If you move out of home, dont ever move back. My mum is great, but living with freedom and no parents is so nice, moving back is hell.

I then moved into bawawecra. That was nice. Good people. Started a band, thats gone pretty well. People seem to like us.

Delayed and delayed making my new album. Still no idea when Ill do that. Get round to it someday.

Spent most of the year working full time. Something I have managed to avoid doing for such a long period of time up until now. Its been interesting. Its definitely changed me. Specially my sleeping patterns. But it is not for me. Next year I plan to be working part time. Lets see if that happens...

I also fell in love. Which is a pretty big deal. A complete surprise too cause I was being quite a bitter fuck most of this year. And pissing off a lot of people.

But this love thing is pretty damn nice, and a good way to end a year of my life that I'd mostly like to forget. At least it wasnt as bad as 24, god that was shite!

So 26. I will try to embrace it and all of its bodily functions that continue to fail.

ps. what ever happened to my sitcom I was gonna make? That idea got canned I guess. My latest plan is to write and direct a movie called 'The Wog That Time Forgot'. Should be a good year.

Magpies and You. We Can Win!

2005-12-04T15:15:00.000+10:30

In the tradition of Ianto Ware I am going to write something about the problem of swooping birds here. I two was a victum to swooping birds like 'mr angry' as I had my head clawed earlier this year just near the state library. Bastards.

I have recently come across an email sent out but Uni SA with tips on how to save yourself from the birds.

I shall put the tips below along with my Re-butt-le after each tip.

Enjoy.

1)Avoid the swoop area – try walking or riding in a different direction.

Rebuttle - What the hell is the 'swoop area' Im assuming its akin to a zone or region where the birds are most likely to attack. Well let me tell you this. Those fuckers can fly. They can go where ever the hell they want. The whole freakin world is thier 'swoop area'. Why should we avoid them. Ever heard of the food chain?! I believe WE are above fucking magpies.

2)Cyclists should always wear a helmet. It is better to dismount and walk your bike past a swoop area.

R - Well cyclists should always wear a helmet anyway. Its the law. Should they wear thier helmet while walking past the 'swoop area'? And why the hell should they go though the 'swoop area'? Weren't we just told to avoid that bloody region of doom?? Or does walking a bicycle deter them from attacking. "dont go after that human jimmy, he is walking a bike!!' - magpie.

3)Travel in a group. Most birds only swoop individuals.

R - Where the hell are we? Are we lemurs being stalked by hyenas? What if you are a Mr. No Friends are you supposed to just latch onto a group.

'excuse me kind group of cool people, mind if I join your party, I have no friends and would like to avoid being mawled by the birds you see' - Mr No Friends

Must we always travel in groups? What about the importance on the individual in our modern western society? Should we give up our dreams of independance because of the common magpie?

4)Be confident and face a swooping bird; usually they only attack people facing away from them.

R- So instead of getting hit in the hardest part of your skull, ie the back of your head, you should turn around and take it in the face like a man? Not me buddy. I live on my looks!

5)Do not panic and run. It will only encourage a swooping bird to continue its attack.

R- refer to last rebuttle

6) Wear a hat in an area where there are swooping birds.

R- so suddently a hat for someone who is walking offers the same amount of protection as a helmet for someone who is riding? The last time I checked hats are soft things easily penetrated by the sharp beak and claws of an angry magpie thirsty for blood.

7) Magpies appear to be dissuaded from swooping when they are being watched, so try wearing a hat with 'eyes' painted on the back of it.

R - So not only do we have to give up our individuality, drop down lower in the food chain and hand over huge parts of land to thier 'swoop zones'. Now we have to walk around looking like complete dickheads with eyes painted on our hats?? Werent we the species that built a rocket to the moon? When Neil Armstrong got out of the spaceship did he look around and go 'shit, the magpies got here first'. NO! We beat the fuking magpies, we can beat them at this!

8) Sunglasses worn backwards have a similar effect.

R - And you look like an absolute fuking dick.

9) Holding a stick or umbrella over your head will often cause the bird to keep its distance.

R - I dont know about you but if I was walking down the street and I saw a man waving a stick above his head, I would fear the man with the stick much more than I would ever fear a magpie. Can we really be promoting random stick waving when we are on a constant terrorist alert? I dont think so.

Conclusion:

Overall we need to grow up and take these damn ferrets of the sky on. We can not simply let them win. We must fight. I call to you fellow Adelaidians. If we avoid thier 'swoop areas', the Magpies have already won.

Rocket Bar and Me

2005-12-02T10:13:00.000+10:30

Im playin solo at the Rocket Bar tomorrow night (saturday).

Ill be supporting Straight to Video.

I will have a drum machine.

I will have come straight from a wedding.

pretty cool huh.

Moisterise This!

2005-11-30T09:29:00.000+10:30

On the weekend I somehow managed to get sunburnt. I dont know how the hell I did cause I spent about 10 minutes in the sun. AND it was a cloudy day.

Try to explain that, SCIENCE!

Anyway due to my pale skin and my refusal to wear sunscreen - (I did a OH&S thing once and the guy teaching it went on this big rant about how the chemicals in sunscreen can actually GIVE you cancer. I was shocked and appalled. But wasnt entirely sure he was onto a good thing cause his face was really gross and covered in horrible skin, he also had a rant about aluminium foil which tho made no sense made me like him even more) - I now have something that my housemate often refers to as 'Dragon Face'

Or as my lovely friend put it a 'peely monster face'.

Great.

Since then I have found myself mentioning my sunburn to everyone I talk to so that they dont just think that I am the worlds flakiest man.

'No I dont have dandruff on my face its just sunburn'.

I have to play a gig this weekend. I hope it clears up by then or else the audience is gonna get a lot more than just blood, sweat and tears. They will have to pick little bits of skin out of it all.

Song of the Year?

2005-11-28T11:12:00.000+10:30

My friend Nick made reference to this song by Nickleback a while ago on his livejournal but I decided that this song needs a post all of its own.

The new single by Nickleback called 'Photograph' is one of the most atrocious examples of songwriting that I have ever heard. But it is also one of the most entertaining songs I have heard in a very long time. All you need to see are the lyrics, even if you havnt heard the song. They are amazing.

------------
"Photograph"

Look at this photograph
Everytime I do it makes me laugh
How did our eyes get so red
And what the hell is on Joey's head

And this is where I grew up
I think the present owner fixed it up
I never knew we'd ever went without
The second floor is hard for sneaking out

And this is where I went to school
Most of the time had better things to do
Criminal record says I broke in twice
I must have done it half a dozen times

I wonder if It's too late
Should i go back and try to graduate
Life's better now then it was back then
If I was them I wouldn't let me in

Oh oh oh
Oh god I

Every memory of looking out the back door
I had the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye

Every memory of walking out the front door
I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye

Remember the old arcade
Blew every dollar that we ever made
The cops hated us hangin' out
They say somebody went and burned it down

We used to listen to the radio
And sing along with every song we know
We said someday we'd find out how it feels
To sing to more than just the steering wheel

Kim's the first girl I kissed
I was so nervous that I nearly missed
She's had a couple of kids since then
I haven't seen her since god knows when

Oh oh oh
Oh god I

Every memory of looking out the back door
I had the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye

Every memory of walking out the front door
I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye

I miss that town
I miss the faces
You can't erase
You can't replace it
I miss it now
I can't believe it

So hard to stay
Too hard to leave it

If I could I relive those days
I know the one thing that would never change

Every memory of looking out the back door
I had the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye

Every memory of walking out the front door
I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye

Look at this photograph
Everytime I do it makes me laugh
Everytime I do it makes me
--------------

At least he isnt singing about girls going down on him anymore. That was really disturbing given his face.

Fat at 40

2005-11-23T14:06:00.000+10:30

Ive been damn busy at work. Stuck in a little room most of the time. Checking that things have been added up properly. When you do such medial tasks for a long time, a man gets to thinking...

The other day at work, a Korean co-worker read me my future. He started off by telling me what my personality was right now...he was quite accurate, but he knows me well enough to guess perhaps. Then he told me stuff that had happened in my past, he was also quite right about that too. It was goin very well until he asked me, 'Do you like eating?' I said that I did and he went on ask, 'do you eat after you are full just because you like the taste?'

I replied cautiously but truthfully...'yeeeeees'

'Hmmmmmm', he said and stared at his readings a bit more. 'Your 40's could be veeeery interesting'

Apparently I am gonna have loads of health problems in my 40s due to my spiralling out of control eating disorder. I could put a stop to this now, but for some reason hearing this news just makes me what to eat more. Hell I cant fight my destiny can i? If it is written that I will become a fat man, who am I to stop that?

BRING ME MORE CHIPS! and hey if Im gonna be fat I might as well be obese...no use having a half arsed attempt at this...

hell maybe ill even HAVE an arse when im fat. Thats a nice thought...

Anus-ol

2005-11-18T15:47:00.000+10:30

In my lunch break today I found myself in a chemist with my good pal Tony, who actually prefers to be called 'Toadie', and we were lookin at all the stomach related products.

A few days earlier while having a schnitzel at the world famous London Tavern I had seen an ad on the television for a new medicine for Irritable Bowel Syndrome, something I suffer from. It promised to cure bloating, gas and everything else that came along with the horrible torture that IBS can bring to your daily life.

I was excited and wanted to 'check it out'.

We perused the shelves looking for it but were not able to find it. Maybe the ad is making it a popular item, and it is selling fast. I didnt want to ask the counter lady if they had it as its kinda embarrassing. 'Do you have that new medicine for people who fart a lot?'

However in our perusals we found many amazing things.

The detox kits were awesome. My friend Toadie talked me through them as he had tried one before. "I was a new man! I even went to bed on time!!' Sounded pretty amazing to me. He recommended one that came with a free CD-ROM. I thought about it and decided that I might do one after Christmas. It cleans you all out! Liver, stomach, and all the other crap inside...

This reminded me of my interest in gettin an enema. I would love to clean out the old system. I assume it makes you feel amazing, specially for someone like me whos bowels are always a little tender...

We then found some very amusing products suck as De-Gas lots of other fart related pills, some bottle of stuff for bloated women with a picture of an old lady in a pink blouse on the label.

But the best were Anusol Wipes. Little things you wipe on your anus when you have hemmeroides. The best things about these were not just the lovely diagrams on the box but the fact that they are called Anusol wipes.

ANUS (H)OL(E). Marketing genius at its best. I hope to god I never get hemmeroides cause having to buy that stuff would make me giggle too much.

Chemists ey.

ps if the big words are spelt wrong...I DONT CARE!!!

The death of the peoples Hero??

2005-11-14T14:31:00.000+10:30

On Saturday I was feelin a little strange. I hadnt had a lot of caffeine of sugar or anythin... I was just feelin all energetic and slightly destructive. My first thought of outlet for this was to steal sandwich boards from out the front of shops. But my friend told me that this would be a stupid idea and that I shouldnt do it cause it would just be plain annoying.

They might have had a point.

Then I went to the Jade Monkey later that night to see some bands play. Now im all for bands and music and all that. But what the hell is the deal with bands!? Why is everyone in one? And why do they always play? And why do I seem to end up seeing a band all the bloody time. BANDS! anyway thats another rant that will make more sense once ive work shopped it.

So Im at the Jade Monkey talking to one of the bands and I get a sudden urge to punch 2 members of the band. I wasnt feeling aggressive just wanted to punch them. One of them, lets call him Weedy Eye Joe, wasnt really into it. 'just have a drag of my smoke' says Weedy Eye Joe...so i did. but that didnt calm my energetic tendencies. so i went after another one. Lets call him Tight Pants Jack. Tight Pants Jack was a little more into it. He has in the past let me get away with several things with him, including making out with him a couple times. Horrible kisser by the way.

Anyway Tight Pants Jack was wearing a Rocky tshirt which i think made him think he was mr invincible of some kind. So we started giving each other little punches. Then one of us had some great idea to jump the back fence of the Jade Monkey. Now im about 6 foot 2 and the fence was just a little shorter than my head. Old Tight Pants is probably about 5 foot 10 or some useless short height like that.

So I start trying to scramble up this fence but as Im doing so I suddenly snap out of my crazed boystrousness, see all the bins over the other side of the fence and think, 'what the hell am i doing?!'. Tight Pants somehow managed to jump the fence like a lemur and is standing alone in the alley askin me how to get out of there. I told him I didnt know and left him there in the alley. I dont know what happened to him. I assume he is dead.

More importantly has my boystrousness died? I guess Ill just have to wait and see...

Pete Murray = Genius

2005-11-10T11:59:00.000+10:30

Of all the surfy folk types out there, like Jon Butler Trio, Xavier Rudd, Jack Johnson etc, the one I can stand the most is easily Pete Murray.

For a start he looks too old and bulky to be a rock star, we already have Alex Lloyd. I guess to Pete Murray's credit he seems to be a fit old man. Probably wont fill out as much as poor old Alex has. Pete also has this horrible smug look on his face when he sings and almost comes across as slightly masogonistic...

But these are not the reasons which I cant stand him. It is for his ability to write horribly boring songs that I get stuck in my head for a very long time. His recent single 'Better Days' has to be one of the worst songs I have heard in a long time. The lyrics are trite, the melody is extremely boring and the arrangement is so obvious that it hurts my ears.

And yet I have had it in my head for ages. The same has happened with a few of his songs.

I have decided that Pete Murray is in fact a genius.

Somehow through writing these awful awful songs, with such boring melodies he has managed to make his songs known to me and a large majority of the population. He has also somehow managed to fool people into thinking he is a very talented and deep songwriter.

He has achieved a success in music that I never will and has done all of this without one ounce of songwriting smarts. He has also somehow got a lot of people thinking he is a sensitive man. COME ON! He is a dumb bulky type who you see out at places like the Stag and Heaven. Someone just handed this one a guitar...

Hats off to you though Pete Murray. You have done it all. And look like you will continue to be successful for sometime without ever having to change anything or excite your audience.

You are indeed a genius.

The Tour Diary

2005-11-08T14:07:00.000+10:30

What a weekend. Here is a rundown of the events of the tour with my band to Melbourne.

Got up at 530 on Saturday morning. Felt awful. I had a dream where
Ianto had been raped. It was pretty upsetting. Nic and Ianto arrived
with the hired van at 6ish, I told Ianto about the rape dream and he said 'great way to start the day'. Ianto spent the rest of the tour worried about being raped somewhere along the way. James, Steph and I crawled in, picked up Steve and we took off.

The van was great. Big Toyota Tarago. Very roomy. We were all taking
turns driving and all talkin lots of shit so the time was passing
quickly. Steve started off the trip by doing one of the most stinky farts I have ever smelt. I felt sorry for poor Steph who copped the full force of it. Apparently Steves girlfriend, Yasmin, had fed him a bag of prunes the night before. I assume as some sort of cruel sabotage on us. Well she may have one this round...but i will get her back.

There were no major problems on the drive. Nic had terrible gas which he blamed on sitting funny. I blamed it on the cheese burgers he ate every 5 minutes. Ianto was in my books the worst driver in the car. But the most entertaining driver was Steve with Nic as his navigator. Nic crapped in his ear the whole time about whether or not nearby cars were full of fat people or not. He also tried to explain to Steve how to 'take cars on'.

Nic also told us of his film idea, which involved an elaborate wanking gag...oh good times.

We arrived in Melbourne at about 5 and were greeted by the lovely Henry and Mel. Got our crap and took it to the venue. The venue was nice. had a backstagey kinda room and a curtain around the stage. The gig was sold out so that was kinda exciting already.

Went to some yupie pub for dinner. Ianto had just chips...yet again. I noticed that several times during the trip the only thing Ianto would eat would be Chips. What a bland diet that man has. And he was always telling me off about the food I ate...sorry if i enjoy FLAVOUR!

After this we all arrived at venue and set crap up and did the boring things that bands do before gigs. Nic was buzzing. Kept tellin us all how amazing we were gonna be, he should really be hired as a hype man for some sporting team... James enjoyed a nice calamari meal while we set up most of the gear...well he helped at the very end...hehe.

The show itself went very well, When the band took to the stage people clapped. Before we had even played a note! It was weird. We rocked out hard, people stood up. The room was packed and hot as hell. Steve was lookin queasy but shone through. I started to get some horrible reflux thing where every time i sung loud a bit of spew would burp up into my mouth. It was pretty gross. Straight after the gig Steve apparently threw up twice...so maybe we ate something bad or something.

Steph got very drunk and caused a ruckus. I had to calm her down. She didnt take to that too well.

Art of Fighting played and were very nice but I felt a little sorry for them playing after us...I mean we are a hard act to follow...being the best band in the world and all. They were very nice to us. Told us to join them in drinking their scotch. I had a small glass full but couldnt handle it. Was too strong. Henry tried some too. We are both weak men.

We soon went home and to bed. Steve, Ianto and I were staying at Henry and Mels house...the others were off being jerks somewhere else. Poor Ianto didnt get hardly any sleep due to my snoring. He described the sound of my snoring as sounding like a 'snake eating a pig'. Im a little distressed by that. But hell I never hear it so what do I care?!

The next morning only James, Me, Ianto and Steve drove back. As the other two stayed on. It was a nice trip. Steve and I took a shit in Mcdonalds without buying any food from there. We felt it was bringing down the establishment. We listened to a radio play about Dina Washington and then we all decided we were feeling quite smart and then listened to Mozarts 'Don Giovanni'. What a bunch of wankers we were...Well i think it was James' fault.

Only just got the Van back to the hire place in time. well got there 15 mins late, but hopefully that dont matter...

and went home. Was a fun time...indeed.

3 Rant Friday!

2005-11-04T14:12:00.001+10:30

Are you not lucky dear reader, 3 rants for the price of 1!:

Angry Young Married Men:

What is the deal with young guys who are married who are so angry at the
world. Well sometimes they aint even angry they are just plain
impatient. I just dealt with one with a goatee who looked about 25. He
was so annoyed that I couldnt help him and tried to make it feel like it
was my fault.

ITS MY FAULT THAT YOUR WIFE WONT HAVE SEX WITH YOU!? Well let me tell
YOU sonny that aint got nothing to do with me! Thats between you and
the missus. Leave me the hell of the way out of this one. Maybe you
should take your horrible facial hair into account next time she rolls
over and says she is too tired. Its got nothing to do with me not being
able to find someone for you.

Sheesh!

Inside Is Out:

Ok so a guy just came by wearing his shirt inside out. A polo shirt. So it looked all frayed and stupid looking. I politely said to him 'your shirt is on inside out', he laughed and said 'yeah its supposed to be'. I replied 'oh'.

WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!?????????????

A polo shirt is a beautiful thing. It looks fine the way it was designed to be worn. Why turn it inside out so you look like an idiot who dresses in torn clothes. I know you aint poor, I know you aint Fred Flinstone! Oh these people. Stupid!

Maybe I'll just start walking around with my dick hangin out of my pants and when a stranger kindly says 'hey your dick is hangin out there', Ill be all 'yeah its supposed to be'...

'oh'

S o B:

Ive also decided I hate all men with strawberry blonde hair. Dont really know why but they look like dickheads. Looks ok on girls tho.

Melbourne Bound

2005-11-02T15:58:00.000+10:30

So this weekend my band and I are heading off to Melbourne to play a show. This our first trip outside of the state and also the first time I have every gone interstate with a band.

We are driving up there in a rented van on Saturday and coming back on the Sunday. Playing Saturday night. Its going to be a tiring journey...

Things could go one way or another:

We could all bond really well becoming the closest band around, play an amazing show to a sold out crowd, and all move into a big house together and have lots of babies.

OR

We could all grow to hate each other immensly, play an awful show due to our tiredness, and get home never wanting to see each other again. After practice last night things could definitely go either way.

Well either way it will be a great 'life experience' and one we will all cherish and remember for the rest of our lives...

*walks off into the sunset*

I will report back next week on how it all went. You might get to hear Ianto's account on his blog too, as it will be a very exciting event in his very boring life. Ill link his blog when I can be bothered.

ps. if yr interested the gig is at Northcote Social Club this Saturday with Art of Fighting. In Melbourne. Town of the bad haircuts and horrible pants.

Hang in there!!

2005-11-01T14:52:00.000+10:30

What the hell is up with people who need motivational quotes and self help books to 'kickstart their lives'? How does it help to see a fuking frog strangling an emu everyday? Does it really make people feel better to say to themselves 'a moment wasted is a minute of relaxation gained' and crap like that?

Well I for one am sick of it and would like to call for a ban on all motivational signs and self help books in public spaces. It should be like smoking. If youre in your office or home and some preachy fuker starts crappin on about how feeling good is all about how you perceive your surroundings mentally you should be allowed to yell at them, 'Hey take that outside! Your gonna stink up the furniture with that shite!'

I think I will start this...

I worked with a woman for a year who was all into this crap. I wanted to kill her by the end of it, she gave me self help books for Christmas that were always about self esteem and taking control of my life. Apparently I was a loose cannon. When I got really bored at work I would highlight sections of the book to ask her about what they meant. But they were always random bits that made no sense on their own. It would confuse her greatly. But she was really happy I was 'taking an interest'.

There is money to be made from all of this tho...I think im gonna make some motivational Che Guevara tshirts. they will sell like hot cakes. If there is one things morons like to buy, its Che Guevara tshirts and motivational crap. Combine the two and you got a best seller. The slogan could be something like 'CHE'ken soup for the soul'

The stooges will lap it up!

Daylight Savings?! YOU CAN KEEP IT!

2005-10-31T15:14:00.000+10:30

Daylight bloody savings. What a stupid fuking invention. Lets just change everyones sleeping patterns, cause mass confusion on the day it changes over so that some tanned jerk can enjoy another hour of sun at the beach after work.

SCREW THAT TANNED JERK! I WANT TO SLEEP IN!!!

I bet his name is something like Rick too. Ive never met any Ricks but I assume they are all jerks.

I should move to Queensland where they dont have daylight savings, which I found out from a taxi driver in Brisbane who when he discovered I was from Adelaide said 'You have daylight savings down there dont you!? YOU CAN KEEP IT!!!'

He then went on to tell me that I could keep Sydney and Melbourne too 'cause they have shit weather'.

'YOU CAN KEEP ALL OF IT!! QUEENSLAND IS THE ONLY PLACE I WANNA BE IN!'

He seemed was giving a lot of stuff away. I should have taken it I could have made a killing on the property market. Sydney and Melbourne would be worth a lot I rekon...

Sweet Cans.

2005-10-27T09:23:00.000+09:30

On the bus to work this morning I sat behind a girl who was sending sms's to a friend. I was able to read 2 as the screen on her phone was so big.

she wrote

'I'm thinking I should show him my cans'

the reply said

'YES! DO IT!'

Someone is going to have a happy day.

Smoke em if you gottem!

2005-10-26T16:19:00.000+09:30

Well Im about 3 weeks into quittin smoking. I have slipped up once or twice but overall Im managing to kick it quite well.

Until recently I saw no reason to quit. I liked doing it, it looked cool and I was tempting fate all at the same time. However after becoming deathly ill for about the 6th time this year I have decided that I no longer want to be sick all the bloody time.

Its annoying and I dont like it. And apparently smoking is bad for your health and your immune system. Damn those preachy stickers on the packets.

While there are some great pros to quitting : better health, less stinky, better skin, less bowly, gettin a better sense of smell and taste and saving money etc.

However there are some cons. Some horrible cons...

The cravings are pretty bad. Of course this will pass but goddamn its nice to smoke when you have a beer. Or when you get home from work. Or when youve had a nice meal...oh i miss it so.

Then there are the nice social interactions when you smoke. Sitting outside talking about how to save the world. Acting like a wanker...blah blah.

But the worst of all is the loss of 'cool'. Smoking is cool. Lets face it. People who do it look great. Girls look sexy when they do it too. And it keeps you busy. If you are standing waiting for someone you are gonna look a hell of a lot cooler if yr smoking than if yr just standing there like some fat chump. am i right!?

So to counteract this loss of cool im gonna have to come up with a new edge to my style. I thought of chewin gum, constantly combing my hair...but none of these seemed to fit.

Ive decided to become a coin flipper. just stand around flipping coins. of course im gonna have to get a lot more coordinated to make this look cool. i drop shit all the time. but if i can successfully pull of a cool coin flippin attitude i should have a great life ahead of me.

be a great way to meet cool people too..

'hey what you doin there'
'just flippin'
'mind if i join you?'
'go right ahead'

*blank stares as flipping ensues*

oh yeah. Things are lookin up for this recent non-addict...

Death Beds aint comfy.

2005-10-19T16:31:00.000+09:30

So since Saturday I have spent most of my time in bed...somehow the cold I thought was almost over came back with a horrible vengeance when I woke up on Saturday morning so dizzy that I couldn't even get up out of bed to piss, I did eventually don't worry...

I became a bedridden monster who had to call housemates on the phone to get them to come into my room to get me a glass of water. I even had a doctor come round to my house and diagnose me. THEY COME TO YOUR HOUSE! FOR FREE! It was amazing, I lay on my bed in the middle of a terrible fever wearing only my tiny underpants while a doctor and a nurse stood in my room and diagnosed me. Was pretty weird as I was a bit delirious and didn't really know exactly what was going on.

That was Saturday, I think, Then my collarbone decided to give way due to all the coughin and swell up like a mutha fucker causing extreme pain and making puttin tshirts on and off one of the worst things in the world. Got taken to a 7 day clinic and was prodded some more, given some pain killers that helped, but only a little.

Then on Tuesday I went to see another doctor to see how I was goin (lemme tell you some of this shit was gettin expensive) he looked at me for about 5 mins and decided I probably had pneumonia and sent me straight to the RAH (making it 3 times to emergency this year). Went there in my trackies and was x-rayed and had a lot of blood taken from me. Given a drip. Tests all came back and I was pretty fine. Had something called cellulitus in my chest. I don't even have fat thighs!

Its Wednesday today and Its the first day I've been able to walk for more than a couple of minutes. Feels great to be slightly mobile again.

Things I have learnt from this experience?

1.after not shaving for 5 days I start to look like a pedophile (according to my good pal James)
2.if you develop a cough that sounds like a dog barking your friends will find great amusement in it
3.panadine forte aint as strong as it should be
4.eating chicken soup with your left hand whilst lying down can be very hard
5.my housemates and friend rules
6.I can be a really sulky grumpy shit when I'm sick

and finally
IM NEVER SMOKING AGAIN!

Bye Bye Stye

2005-10-13T11:51:00.000+09:30

Well the Stye is pretty much gone.

Seems that tea-bagging CAN have a good effect on your health.

I also think I might have been spelling 'stye' wrong this whole time.
Ah what are ya gonna do?

Urban Style.

2005-10-11T11:59:00.000+09:30

So my band is playing 2 gigs this weekend. Friday at Fowlers and Saturday at The Exeter, if anyone is interested...

I have a bad feeling im gonna have to play in an eye patch tho..as my stye has gotten even more puffy. I assume when i wake up tomorrow it will be closed over. At work today people have been all looking at me funny but noone has said anything.

At least I can find that part amusing.
If anyone has any cures for styes, apart from rubbing pure gold on it, im all ears!

A non-stye related story:

Yesterday as I was walking to my bus after work an old couple stopped me and asked me where a building in the University was. I didnt know and had never heard of the building which is sorta unusual as I work and the Uni and know a bit about it now...anyway I told the lady I didnt know where it was.

The man then said to his wife in a semi hushed and annoyed tone 'of course he doenst know, look at him!'

I was shocked and appalled! LOOK AT ME!? What the hell about my appearance implies that I dont know anything about Universitys. Hell I have been compared to Tom Hanks and Ben Affleck in terms of appearance. Both very clean cut guys...But it got me thinking, maybe my look is a little too 'street'. I wear hoodies, jeans and black sneakers. Maybe I should mix it up with a little 'Urban Professional'. Get some of those horrible shirts that have paint thrown all over them and random words like 'staples' and 'fuckwit' scattered all over them. Then make sure its got some shit hangin off it so it looks like its gonna fall apart in the wash. Then maybe Ill just rub a dog turd through my hair so it looks all messed up, but in a cool way. And while im at it Ill buy some jeans that look like they have been worn by a man who only bends above the knee for a year or more.

MAYBE THEN I will look like someone who knows where a fuking useless building is!

styes and dumpters

2005-10-10T11:59:00.000+09:30

Today I came to work and forgot to bring my belt. I will now have to spend the rest of the day pulling my pants up. Such is the delema of the man with the small ass.

On the weekend I fell over behind a dumpster while tryin to take a piss in an alley. Landed on all these boxes and tubes. When I got up hardcore kids were laughing at me. Apparently you can still laugh at slapstick when you are straight edge.

I also have a stye in my eye. It hurts. Im sure it gives my face some 'charachter' though...which I have been sorely lacking since I got rid of the 'dragon face' problem.

Charity Wrist Bands

2005-10-05T14:33:00.000+09:30

ok, lemme say this. Im all for charitable people. Its great to 'give' to the world a little of what you are lucky enough to have.

Its also nice to represent a cause by wearing a sticker or something on your body. Though I never do cause it never matches my very plain attire...

But something that is giving me the shits is these damn rubber bracelets that everyone is now wearing. I think they started as a breast cancer thing but now it seems that every bloody charity in the world is making them. THEY LOOK STUPID!!!!

And they are everywhere. Even my lovely housemate has one. Sorry Steph.

All day at work students hand stuff into me and i would say about 80% have them, It makes me sick to my stomach. I wonder where they make these things, and if they are made in a 3rd world country by some poor kid that the charity is trying to save. I should look into that as it will make this rant more valid.

If someone tries to sell me one of these things for charitable reasons I will most likely rant in their face about the price of fashion on our society. Of course the rant wont make any sense as I wear Levi's jeans and Dunlop Volleys...but while I stand there shouting as some pimply kid trying to save the world, I will believe I am right.

Which is always the most important thing as far as Im concerned.

The only good thing that could develop from these wrist bands would be the old '80s thing where if you were wearing one and someone broke it, it would mean they had to have sex with you. I would like to see that law come back into our legal system. I wonder what crazy politician phased that one out. Damn government, too busy trying to get 'mateship' into the constitution and not paying enough attention to the wrist band laws...

The end of an Asshole?

2005-09-29T11:29:00.000+09:30

Im starting to wonder how long I can go on with this whole 'Im a loud mouthed asshole thing' before it stops being funny and people stop and say, 'hey that guy IS a loud mouthed asshole'.

Im hoping forever. But society has many layers you see. And eventually I could piss one off.

Im gonna need to start creating scapegoats now.

In other news I have got this idea in my head to make an entire album about dancing. Not dance music as such, but the act of dancing. I think there are endless metaphors and smilies...not sure if someone has already done this. Anyway Im excited about this idea, and bully for you if you aint. It will probably turn into just one song about dancing...but Ill see how I go...

Plans and Rants

2005-09-27T11:15:00.000+09:30

Ok I got some ideas and rants stored up here...might let some of them loose.

I have decided I want to make a sitcom about my life. I mean lets face it, Im fukin funny. Ive had a lot of stupid adventures and I think the world wants to see them. It started off as an idea for me to become Larry David. I want to be him when I am old. Shout at my wife and wander around getting up to mischief to pass the time.

But to do that I gotta get rich. So like Larry David (the co-creator of Seinfeld) I am gonna use TV, cause god knows this music caper aint making me any money. And like Seinfeld its gonna be a show with me playing myself, a struggling folk singer who regularly gets pissed off by the world and the audience. Thinks he is the best, gets drunk and causes trouble, has issues with women, works a dull 9-5 job and generally finds himself in situations he dont know how to deal with.

Who wouldnt want to watch that. Ive never acted before but I mean, how hard can that shit be. Ill be playing myself. And I am me 24 hours a day...Im a natural. I just gotta write a story thingo...and get a cast and crew and stuff. Then pitch it to some TV station. Might start with the ABC or SBS then when its a hit sell it to one of the big stations and make millions.

I cant wait. Then I just sit back, get married and shout at my wife.

WHERE IS THE IRONY!?

2005-09-23T13:29:00.000+09:30

Elitism of any kind give me the shits to no end. In fact anyone that takes anything too seriously without any hint of humour involved is a moron in my books. I mean why? The world is bloody ridiculous, how can you take anything completely serious, except maybe really serious issues like poverty and stuff, but everything else that doesnt involve lives being lost. WHO CARES.

And the biggest thing of all that should not be taken completely seriously is Music. Music is ridiculous. Its about people who want to avoid responsibility for as long as possible and want to project this onto as many people as possible through the form of songs. Now dont get me wrong, I love music, I am a musician and Music makes me really happy. But come on. Its only fuking music. Why get all high and all mighty about it? Just because you know more about some fuking band from 20 years ago than a guy who lives next door to you does not make you a better person. No it probably makes you a sadder person.

I read a new street mag thing the other day and god it was fuking awful. I couldnt believe the amount of shite that was written in there. Anyone who takes music or anything like that completely seriously is a loser. Lighten up, its supposed to be fun.

Stupid - ity.

2005-09-21T11:13:00.000+09:30

I've decided that I want to add the word 'Stupid' to every location I go to. Not that I think that every place I go to is stupid. I just think that stupid is a damn funny word.

Here are some examples:

The Stupidmild = The Supermild
The Stupider = The Exeter
Adelaide Stupidversity = Adelaide University
The Stupidtanic Gardens = The Botanic Gardens
Stupid Jones food court = David Jones food court

You get the picture. I figure it will not only revolutionize my life, but the lives of my friends and family, and hopefully eventually society as a whole.

Embrace Stupid. I do.

New Album for me.

2005-09-20T11:39:00.000+09:30

*warning, this is a non-entertaining post*

Hello Everyone,

Well to stop myself from going crazy between working 9-5 and waiting for the
next Unstable Ape album to be ready, I recorded an album with the help of
some friends, in a quick shambolic fashion.

The fruits of my labor can be downloaded in its entirety for free from
http://www.nothroughroad.com

Its called 'Lo-Fi Sandwich' and its a gem. 11 songs, 29 minutes.

It will not be available for sale ever. So download it up kids, burn it for
your friends, sell it to your friends, make some damn money for once in your
lives.

Copies will be sent off to radios and things as soon as i get my ass to the
printers.

.matt

ps. lemme know what you think.

This shit is Banham. B A N - H A M!

2005-09-19T14:19:00.000+09:30

Highlights of the Recent Weekend:

1)Sticking as many limes as possible which I stole from the bar onto the Cacti spikes at a popular local night club.

2)Dancing in the face of the lead singer from End of Fashion as he was trying to chat to some sort of groupie, which eventually led to him saying to me 'you are freaking me out man!'

3)Screaming 'END OF FASHIIIIIIIOOOOOON' at the guys from End of Fashion as they left the popular nightclub and gettin very strange looks from them all.

4) Successfully putting a lime into someone jacket without them noticing on both Friday and Saturday night. Watching one of them leave hours later and put their hands in their pocket to discover the lime and look very confused indeed.

5) Telling the 'Nacho Cheese' joke twice.

6) Calling the guy who stands at the door of a popular nightclub 'Mr Big'.

Lowlights of the Recent Weekend:

1) Waking up with horrible hangovers on both Saturday and Sunday.

2) Eating pizza from Pizza Revolution at 530 on Saturday morning.

3) Loosing 5 bucks on the pokies

4) Getting 3 cactus spikes in my finger while putting limes on a cactus and not being sure if they are still in my finger or not.

5) accidentally setting my foot on fire from my cigarette and not noticing until 2 minutes later so now i have a burn on my ankle.

6) kissing a house mate in the toilets only to have him laugh hysterically in my face immediately after.

6 highs and 6 lows.... looks like a pretty evened out weekend

An Ear-Full

2005-09-12T13:24:00.000+09:30

I have an ear wax issue. Which I've recently discovered is not an
uncommon thing. By that I mean I know one other person who has it.
Anyway I get a lot of wax and need to go to the doctor to get it out
through the use of a syringe and hot water. Which is at first
uncomfortable, but then feels very nice. Warm and tickly... After
doing this I can hear better than ever. Everything sounds really
trebley and even the sound of someone rustling paper can be really hard
to take...but it only lasts a couple days before it goes back to normal.

This story would be pretty boring if it wasnt for my recent gift from
Japan.

In Japan and other Asian countries to clean out your ears a lot of
people use something I call an ear spoon. Basically its a long stick
with a tiny scoop on the end of it. And it is brilliant. You can get
right in there and scoop out all the goo. And it feels really good
cause you can scratch your inner ear too...works a lot better than a
damn cue tip or what ever that thing is called. I used one of those
once and made my self temporarily deaf in one ear. Had to get driven to
the doctor straight away to be cleaned out cause I couldnt walk straight. Aaaaanyway...

I had one of these spoons years ago and used it regularly and my
hearing was better than ever. But alas I lost it. And when I went with
a friend to buy a new one from a Chinese supermarket, the people working
there at first pretended to not sell them...and then said. 'its not for
you!'. then told me of the dangers, but i said I still wanted it. So
they sold it to me. Sure enough I lost that about a week later and was too scared to go back...'excuse me I lost my danger spoon...'

But there is a happy end to this long winded story...My friend Ianto
recently returned from a holiday in Japan and he bought me an ear spoon
with a little Buddha, and a bell on the end. I cleaned out my ears last night and hear so well today. Look out muttery people, I CAN HEAR YOU TALK ABOUT ME NOW!

workin for the ham.

2005-09-06T16:14:00.000+09:30

my friend just got a new job. he is gettin out of this place. i need to get a new job too. this place is killing me.

EMO POST!

Hedging

2005-08-29T14:32:00.000+09:30

On Saturday night after a night of music, parties, bbq trashing and lots of the old beer I found myself walking the streets with some good friends. I was in a very happy mood and felt on top of the world. Invincible...

I then sited a hedge near a very big furniture store, all my years of funniest home videos and Jackass taught me that hedges are fun. I ran at the hedge planning to jump over it, where I was going to land, I didnt really think that out cause it was just cement on the other side, maybe the cement could have been newly laid and soft, that would have been nice.

Anyway I ran at it and instead of jumping I somehow forgot that part and more dived straight into it. This probably wouldnt have been that bad except that a metal wire fence was hidden inside the hedge which ment that i got stuck, I slowly fell back out of the hedge with cuts on my hand and legs and plenty of scratches all over me.

Although it hurt quite a bit I felt alive. And damn it was fun. I think I might do it again someday...

All about life

2005-08-25T13:30:00.000+09:30

3 posts in 3 days, arnt the fans lucky.

this new jesus: all about life campaign to get the youth into religion thing is pissing me off. Now I know I'm a little byest having strongly regected my religious upbringing and having a strong disliking of most christians on a superficial basis, but this latest trick is insane.

In the commercials they have 'cool' looking youths, who I assume are Yankees talking about whats important to them. It seems like some sort of anti-drug commercial at first but then one mentions that they dont really like religion. Then it cuts to a quick shot of the youths partyin on some city street and one says something like 'I dont really dig religion but that Jesus guy had some real interesting things to say'.

What the hell is this!? Now thats one thing but now I am seeing the signs up for this campaign all over town. The huge irony of it is that I am seeing the signs on churches. Who the hell are the churches trying to kid..'oh we aint religious we just like Jesus, this whole church building thing is just a place where the youths can hang out and party down'. I'd hate to think what paradise community church are doing with this campaign.

At Adelaide Uni the Christian group put up lots of 'thought provoking' signs around the place, trying to spark an interest in religion. stuff like 'god is dead' 'jesus is a wimp' and crap like that. They also have hoodies now, so they can walk around in some sort of youth type uniform. I can see people saying to themselves 'well if they wear hoodies this whole Jesus thing must be pretty cool, sure they are anti-gay and want to make abortions illegal but they have hoodies!'

Balls to them I say. They are corrupting our young and turning people into guilt ridden losers. I dont understand why they are allowed to get away with this stuff, it ruined my life for many years and left me with a lot of ridiculous hang ups. Now they are trying to seduce more people in with some 'its cool to be Christian' crap. I wont have it.

I wonder if I tried to protest their meetings they would talk jive to me and act all 'we are cool with protesting, jesus invented it'.

Get lost. Christians like nerds should have no confidence and should hide away with their little groups and not try to force it upon us. Just like the nerds have their Dungeons and Dragons games. You dont see nerds making ads saying 'i dont really dig dungeons and dragons but the orcs do make some good points'.

Adelaide (s)Thinkers

2005-08-23T14:02:00.000+09:30

Ive decided that I would like to be an 'Adelaide Thinker'. I want to get paid 300k a year to sit on my fat ass and think about ways of 'improving' our fair city.

I read an article recently about a Baroness who came to Adelaide to think and all she could come up with was that Science should be more important to us. THATS IT! Fuck off you dumb broad. If the government is that willing to pay for stupidity I think I should be the man to give it.

Ive had some great ideas to improve our society:

The Boyfriends Chair - for when you are shoppin with your female friends and you wanna sit down but cant cause there are no chairs in those horrible smelly shops...the boyfriends chair is there for you...complete with magazine rack and video games!

Carpeting the City - I developed this idea with friends (you see thats what being a thinker is all about, developing ideas with the locals and then stealing them) Imagine if the footpaths were carpeted. It would be so much nicer to walk around on. And the street bums would be more comfortable at night.

Moving the Central Markets Closer to my Work - If they were closer to my work I could go there in my lunch break.

Only Taxis on the Road - I had this great idea when I was a cab driver that only taxis and buses should be allowed on the road, oh and trucks, bikes and stuff, BUT NO PERSONAL CARS. That way there would be huge employment opportunities, Cabs would always be in work so they could charge less, Maybe the drivers could even get paid an hourly rate...with bonuses of course. This would free up congestion on the roads with a lot less cars around, AAAAAnd there would be no need for parking lots. Tonnes of extra space for things.

I should point out that if any government steals these ideas from me I will demand my $300k.

Look at that Balloons!

2005-08-15T10:43:00.000+09:30

Last night I had 2 dreams that I can remember. Oh boy he is goin to talk about dreams, you all say, what a fukin hippy. Well dont worry these dreams were not about world peace or sinead o'conner, no they were interesting. And if any of you people are 'dream interpreters' please feel free to tell me what you think they mean...

Dream 1: I went to the zoo with my house mate Nick. We went into the snake enclosure and which for some reason was open to walk around in amoungst the snakes. There were a whole bunch of snakes around the place all over the ground. I was pretty scared of them but Nick seemed to think it was 'great!'. They were all sleeping but Nick decided to wake them up by tappin them on the head. I shouted at him to stop but it was too late. They were awake. They started to crawl all over me and I was freaking out. But then one of the snakes started to talk to me. Told me not to worry. Then all the snakes started talking to me. It was pretty good, we all had a big long chat about this and that. I dont know where Nick went, I think he just dissapeared.

Dream 2: Brian Bell from Weezer had been kicked out of the band for whatever reason, probably cause of wearing such awful shirts. Anyway I had been asked to take his place. I was in WEEZER! It was great, Rivers was teaching me how to play all the songs in some strange place that looked like an abandoned fairground. Some of them were hard but he gave me a lot of tips on playing the lead parts. Unfortunately this dream was cut short by my alarm...but it was the best dream I have ever had.

Analyze that Billy Crystal!

Come on in, the Coffee's fine!

2005-08-12T11:36:00.000+09:30

Yesterday my boss (who looks a lot like an old version of Hugh Grant) asked me to put on a pot of coffee in one of those peculator machines...I have no problems with doing this. I kind of enjoy using the machine. I dont drink coffee so its a kind of novelty for me to use these things and I do enjoy the smell.

When I went into the room where my boss was having a meeting with all these important types I looked around for the usual bag of coffee that I pour into the filter thing. I couldnt find it but instead I found a jar of coffee. Looks the same I thought to myself and filled up the filter, started the peculator and went back to my office.

About 30 minutes later after the meeting had finished my boss came out and asked me to put some more coffee on. Then he said, 'that last coffee you made was very bitter' tasted really strange. I was a little surprised, I made up some excuse about it being the end of a bag so that could be it. But I knew in my head what had happened. I had used instant coffee in the machine. And a lot of it! When I pulled out the filter it was completely white (usually its covered in brown bits of coffee), all the coffee had dissolved through it. My boss say it and looked confused. 'Must be a bad filter!' he proclaimed. I quickly agreed...I found some real coffee and made a proper batch.

The stuffed shirts in that meeting must have had a horrible taste in their mouth...and were probably wired for hours...lets hope they werent making any important decisions in there.

The Findings

2005-08-10T14:07:00.000+09:30

Well the proposal didnt go exactly to plan.

Friday night: Got quite drunk and talked crap to lots of people. Kissed a boy on the mouth and cant remember who it was. Sang a song with a band and apparently slurred my way through the song (according to one source who has fat ears so everything probably sounds slurred to them anyway).

Saturday night: Plan was going pretty well. Very quiet at the Exeter just having a few nice beers not really bothering anyone. Went to Shotz and got Shotz fever, that place always makes me annoyed if I aint really drunk. Became a broody drunk. Close!!

Sunday night: Got a little tipsy and watched a friend try to obliterate himself. During the process he jumped over bins, sang in falsetto along to a girl on stage, got told off by a stranger, and ate a Martha Wainwright flyer...I was completely entertained the whole night. It was then that I realised that the loud-noisy-crazy-drunk I can be, is the best I can be. They bring happiness and joy to the world. I shouldn't hide it away. I need to let it shine bright. I just needed to see another man do it to realise its true value.

The Proposal

2005-08-05T13:59:00.000+09:30

This weekend I am going to make a conscious effort to be a conservative drunk. No crazy loutish behavior. I am going to sit and drink. And only talk to people when they talk to me. Not approach strangers and talk stupidly into their ears.

It will be an interesting experiment to see how boring everyone else's live are, or if they are in fact more interesting.

I will report on the success/failure after the weekend.

gammy eyed freak

2005-07-30T17:55:00.000+09:30

I have a new enemy in the form of the cross eyed jerk from a band called lapdancer. who shall now be referred to as assdicker.

assdicker were playing at the exeter last night. apparently the band were so fat they had to ask us all to move from our table. but instead of ask one of them demanded we move and quick. he started pushing the table and almost spilt my beer. i told him to eaze up and slow down...then he started barking at us. my friend d told him how she had never seen a band need to do that before.

'we always do this' he said agressivly
'ive played here twice and i didnt have to do this' she replied
'I PLAY HERE ALL THE TIME' he barked

as we walked away i put my hand on his sholder and said 'good luck with your future' he didnt like my well wishes and told me to fuk off

i later tried to stare him down but lost cause he was cross eyed.

Cruisin for a Bruisin...

2005-07-28T11:35:00.000+09:30

In my last few years of life I have become increasingly cocky and rude to just about everyone. I have embraced my arrogance especially when I am drunk. Among my friends I am thought of a bit of a clown when Ive had a few and try to spill drinks on them and talk shit to strangers...

One thing that has puzzled me and many of my friends is that I have never been beaten up. I get the feeling I have come close a few times but noone has ever layed into me for being a jerk, and believe me I can be quite a jerk.

Here is a list of incidences where I should have been beaten up by someone, or at least roughed up a little, but wasnt:

1) Whilst performing a karaoke version of Bohemium Rhapsody I kicked a half full pint of beer across the room and into a pool table. I then proceeded to pull all the cds off the wall (they had some shitty display up) and frisbee them into the people in the 'club'. I was allowed to finish the song, which is quite a long song I might add, and I was then very nicely escorted by two bouncers out of the place.

2) Fell asleep on a Pool table. Bouncer asked me to get off. Which I did for 30 seconds, then went right back to sleeping on it. Bouncer kicked me out.

3) Stole a chair from outside the front of the Cranker. Ran down the street. Bouncer chased me. Walked me back with the chair.

4) Thrown up all over the tables out the front of the Exeter spraying lots of people. After finishing i looked at them all and laughed quite happily at them covered in my spew. The peoples faces were not happy.

5) When a very large man stepped on my foot accidentally I demanded to him that he lie on the floor as punishment. He didnt agree with this. I told him to do it several times and he just got angrier and angrier..At that point I decided to put my arm around him and say "we're all friends here arnt we?" he did not agree with me statement and told me to fuck off. I didnt. I kept bothering him. Luckily two of my friends stepped in and while one kept me occupied the other danced with him. And calmed him down a little. He was later kicked out of the bar for beating up someone else.

6) I have spat into the ice sink full of ice for drinks behind a bar when I thought the barman wasnt looking. He was. I was followed by a few members of the staff as I rushed out the door.

7) Told several DJs that they were playing absolute shit. Most of the DJs have not liked this and have yelled back obscenities at me. And I have laughed.

8) Most recently I threw a cushion into a DJ booth. It landed on the turntable and managed to break the record that was playing at the time. Even though about half the dance floor saw me do it noone came to tell me off or make me leave, or even beat me up.

There are plenty more times that I have cause trouble for my fellow man. I have come to the conclusion that I am invincible. Maybe its my smiley face while Im doing all this. I look pretty harmless. And needless to say, if I were to get into a fight I would most likely come off second best. Still it would be kinda interesting...