"HE CAN SEE HEAT!"

About a month ago when I was a little 3 sheets to the wind of tipsy and after I had already made up one of the best raps ever about Merv Hughes, I spied the movie predator on the tele and became quite obsessed by his heat sensitive vision.

The predator movie has this scary alien dude that has some sort of heat vision sight that can actually see heat! This helps him greatly if for when he is tracking down the humans which he wants to kill. One way to stop him from seeing you is to cover yourself in mud, which Arnold Scharwzenegger did and he couldnt see him.

But as I was watching this I wondered how long you could lie in mud for without getting hugry. Then you would have to eat something that didnt have any heat in it. If you picked up a rabbit and took a bite out of it it would attrack the predetors attention and he would kill you fair and square. However if you ate pretzels he wouldn't notice at all. Pretzels have no heat in them! They are pretty much stone cold.

I was of reminded this last night at our xmas party as I chowed down on xmas shaped pretzels. Had I been covered in mud the predator wouldnt have been able to tell I was enjoying a xmas shaped salty snack and I would have lived a long and full-filed life!

Money for Jeus

On the weekend I went to a friends house for his birthday. I got a bit drunk and stupid. His 6 year old daughter was collecting money for some school fun run thing. I asked her where the money was going to and she said it was for her school. I asked her which school she went to and she said the name of some catholic school I cant remember now. I then asked her 'how much of this money is going to jesus?'

At that point her mother dragged her away from me. In retrospect I feel like a jerk about it, at the time I felt like I was doing someone a service. What a maroon I am.

WHO WEARS SHORT SHORTS?

As Summer draws near to an end there is one thing I demand to see less of...SHORTS!

Shorts are the stupidest looking things in the world. No one looks good in them. Sure its fine to wear em around the house if its hot and you feel lazy but dont go out in them! Girls wear a skirt instead, and men if you want to be considered a man dont wear shorts!

Shorts are for little boys, not men. Its disgusting that grown men think they can still wear shorts. YOU LOOK LIKE A FUKIN IDIOT!!!

grow up.

I wanna see pants on all the men. All of them. A good reason why is that a few months ago I was riding home from work on the bus, it was a hot day but I was sweating it up in my jeans because I AM A MAN. Anyway I looked out the window to see a man in his car showing a great deal of leg (I could see down due to the height of the bus). "Disgusting" I thought to myself, "Wearing shorts in a public domain". I looked down again and thought "those must be some pretty short shorts he is wearing there, I cant even see them!" I looked again, 'what is that thing there in between his legs..."

"OH MY GOD...HE IS NOT WEARING ANYTHING ON HIS LEGS"

There in plain site was his dick. Disgusting looking thing. What the hell was he thinking? Ill just give it an airing while I drive, no one can see me anyway? THINK AGAIN BUDDY!

Horrible experience I dont wanna relive. So wear shorts people!!! From your friend Matt....

CHINESE MEDICINE

Well I've been gettin a lot of complaints about how I dont really update this thing no more. Poor you. Well I shall make an attempt to bring this thing back. Ill tell stories again. I cant promise they will be good. Perhaps they will be awful and it will ruin the good name that I have. But who cares that much anyway. Not sure how long I will keep this up. Depends how bored I get with you, dear reader...

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The other day on the advice of my friend I went along to a Chinese Doctor. Im not just saying a GP who happens to be Chinese, Im talking about a real deal Chinese old school doctor. Like the ones you see in the movies that have the crazy long hairs and wont sell you a mogwai.

Anyway, I treked out to this place on my day off thinking I might be greated by a man in an office or something, except I was welcomed into the front room of his house. He was enjoying an episode of Kerri-Anne, a strange choice for an ancient doctor I thought but hey since Burt left Good Morning Australia what the hell can you watch on a Weekday morning.

He sat me down on his couch and proceded to probe me with questions about my health, whilst always keeping one eye on the tele. He was particularly interested in my bowels, as you may well know dear reader I have problems with them. I had to explain my movements the the texture of my movements in great detail. He then left the room for about 20 minutes leaving me to watch Kerri-anne, which might I say is a pretty darn boring as shit show.

He returned with 2 bags full of sticks and bark and told me to cook them up in water, drain off the water and drink it. Then he wanted 50 bucks for the 2 bags of sticks. Not one to argue with a soothsayer (for fear of a curse) I gave him the money and went on my way, oh and I have to return every 2 weeks for more bags of sticks...

I went home and cooked up my stew, it made one of the most god-awful smells in the world, my housemate screamed that I was turning the house into a swamp, I shouted him down with tales of great powers and health that I would achieve once drinking this horrible poison. I cooked it all up, waited till it cooled down a little and drank my first glass.

I felt like I was going to spew from the first gulp, it tasted bitter, but worse than bitter and the after taste was like arseholes covered in piss. It was fuking awful. But I drank the whole glass. I've had a glass a day for the last 4 days, I dont feel amazing, but I dont feel that sick, which I guess is a good thing...

I had a dream last night where I was watching the winter Olympics on tv and the ice hockey was on. A huge snowball fight broke out between the players and the spectators. It was insane, snowballs flying everywhere. The spectators started climbing down onto the ice and throwing even bigger snowballs at the players.

Suddenly a huge security guard skated past with gigantic arms and scooped all the spectators and carried them away.

I was amazed.

Weekend

If ya wanna know what I did on the weekend, go here:

www.nothroughroadblog.blogspot.com

PASTRY OR DANDRUFF

A guy came to my window at work the other day, he had pastry crumbs or dandruff all over the front of his shirt.

'I need to speak to someone in physics'
'What about?'
'PHYSICS!!!'
'What about physics?'
'TIIIIIIIIIME TRAVEL!' (crazy spooky voice)
'of course you do'

I assume he wants to travel back in time to when women were a little less picky.