Magpies and You. We Can Win!
In the tradition of Ianto Ware I am going to write something about the problem of swooping birds here. I two was a victum to swooping birds like 'mr angry' as I had my head clawed earlier this year just near the state library. Bastards.
I have recently come across an email sent out but Uni SA with tips on how to save yourself from the birds.
I shall put the tips below along with my Re-butt-le after each tip.
Enjoy.
1)Avoid the swoop area – try walking or riding in a different direction.
Rebuttle - What the hell is the 'swoop area' Im assuming its akin to a zone or region where the birds are most likely to attack. Well let me tell you this. Those fuckers can fly. They can go where ever the hell they want. The whole freakin world is thier 'swoop area'. Why should we avoid them. Ever heard of the food chain?! I believe WE are above fucking magpies.
2)Cyclists should always wear a helmet. It is better to dismount and walk your bike past a swoop area.
R - Well cyclists should always wear a helmet anyway. Its the law. Should they wear thier helmet while walking past the 'swoop area'? And why the hell should they go though the 'swoop area'? Weren't we just told to avoid that bloody region of doom?? Or does walking a bicycle deter them from attacking. "dont go after that human jimmy, he is walking a bike!!' - magpie.
3)Travel in a group. Most birds only swoop individuals.
R - Where the hell are we? Are we lemurs being stalked by hyenas? What if you are a Mr. No Friends are you supposed to just latch onto a group.
'excuse me kind group of cool people, mind if I join your party, I have no friends and would like to avoid being mawled by the birds you see' - Mr No Friends
Must we always travel in groups? What about the importance on the individual in our modern western society? Should we give up our dreams of independance because of the common magpie?
4)Be confident and face a swooping bird; usually they only attack people facing away from them.
R- So instead of getting hit in the hardest part of your skull, ie the back of your head, you should turn around and take it in the face like a man? Not me buddy. I live on my looks!
5)Do not panic and run. It will only encourage a swooping bird to continue its attack.
R- refer to last rebuttle
6) Wear a hat in an area where there are swooping birds.
R- so suddently a hat for someone who is walking offers the same amount of protection as a helmet for someone who is riding? The last time I checked hats are soft things easily penetrated by the sharp beak and claws of an angry magpie thirsty for blood.
7) Magpies appear to be dissuaded from swooping when they are being watched, so try wearing a hat with 'eyes' painted on the back of it.
R - So not only do we have to give up our individuality, drop down lower in the food chain and hand over huge parts of land to thier 'swoop zones'. Now we have to walk around looking like complete dickheads with eyes painted on our hats?? Werent we the species that built a rocket to the moon? When Neil Armstrong got out of the spaceship did he look around and go 'shit, the magpies got here first'. NO! We beat the fuking magpies, we can beat them at this!
8) Sunglasses worn backwards have a similar effect.
R - And you look like an absolute fuking dick.
9) Holding a stick or umbrella over your head will often cause the bird to keep its distance.
R - I dont know about you but if I was walking down the street and I saw a man waving a stick above his head, I would fear the man with the stick much more than I would ever fear a magpie. Can we really be promoting random stick waving when we are on a constant terrorist alert? I dont think so.
Conclusion:
Overall we need to grow up and take these damn ferrets of the sky on. We can not simply let them win. We must fight. I call to you fellow Adelaidians. If we avoid thier 'swoop areas', the Magpies have already won.
I have recently come across an email sent out but Uni SA with tips on how to save yourself from the birds.
I shall put the tips below along with my Re-butt-le after each tip.
Enjoy.
1)Avoid the swoop area – try walking or riding in a different direction.
Rebuttle - What the hell is the 'swoop area' Im assuming its akin to a zone or region where the birds are most likely to attack. Well let me tell you this. Those fuckers can fly. They can go where ever the hell they want. The whole freakin world is thier 'swoop area'. Why should we avoid them. Ever heard of the food chain?! I believe WE are above fucking magpies.
2)Cyclists should always wear a helmet. It is better to dismount and walk your bike past a swoop area.
R - Well cyclists should always wear a helmet anyway. Its the law. Should they wear thier helmet while walking past the 'swoop area'? And why the hell should they go though the 'swoop area'? Weren't we just told to avoid that bloody region of doom?? Or does walking a bicycle deter them from attacking. "dont go after that human jimmy, he is walking a bike!!' - magpie.
3)Travel in a group. Most birds only swoop individuals.
R - Where the hell are we? Are we lemurs being stalked by hyenas? What if you are a Mr. No Friends are you supposed to just latch onto a group.
'excuse me kind group of cool people, mind if I join your party, I have no friends and would like to avoid being mawled by the birds you see' - Mr No Friends
Must we always travel in groups? What about the importance on the individual in our modern western society? Should we give up our dreams of independance because of the common magpie?
4)Be confident and face a swooping bird; usually they only attack people facing away from them.
R- So instead of getting hit in the hardest part of your skull, ie the back of your head, you should turn around and take it in the face like a man? Not me buddy. I live on my looks!
5)Do not panic and run. It will only encourage a swooping bird to continue its attack.
R- refer to last rebuttle
6) Wear a hat in an area where there are swooping birds.
R- so suddently a hat for someone who is walking offers the same amount of protection as a helmet for someone who is riding? The last time I checked hats are soft things easily penetrated by the sharp beak and claws of an angry magpie thirsty for blood.
7) Magpies appear to be dissuaded from swooping when they are being watched, so try wearing a hat with 'eyes' painted on the back of it.
R - So not only do we have to give up our individuality, drop down lower in the food chain and hand over huge parts of land to thier 'swoop zones'. Now we have to walk around looking like complete dickheads with eyes painted on our hats?? Werent we the species that built a rocket to the moon? When Neil Armstrong got out of the spaceship did he look around and go 'shit, the magpies got here first'. NO! We beat the fuking magpies, we can beat them at this!
8) Sunglasses worn backwards have a similar effect.
R - And you look like an absolute fuking dick.
9) Holding a stick or umbrella over your head will often cause the bird to keep its distance.
R - I dont know about you but if I was walking down the street and I saw a man waving a stick above his head, I would fear the man with the stick much more than I would ever fear a magpie. Can we really be promoting random stick waving when we are on a constant terrorist alert? I dont think so.
Conclusion:
Overall we need to grow up and take these damn ferrets of the sky on. We can not simply let them win. We must fight. I call to you fellow Adelaidians. If we avoid thier 'swoop areas', the Magpies have already won.
posted by matt at 3:15 PM
5 Comments:
debate team...
debate team.
thats all i can say, you obviously have a longing to change your wasted youth.
yeah well Pluvers are much worse than Magpies, and I'm not being bias cause I grew up in Port Adelaide.
Anyway Matt who gives a flying fuck about swooping birds, haven't you got anything better, e.g the potentially most embarassing moments to come this friday night.
What do you want want for your birthday fuck-arse? I'm thinking a stackhat with a pully cord attached to an Alf mechanism that says "No Problemo" every time you're in a swoop zone.
Hear hear, I agree, although I feel I must point out that it is 'rebuttal' not 'rebuttle'.
There ought to be more funding devoted to swoop zone research.
He is a beat man he say to people Magpies and you We can win.
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