A Horrible Misadventure
After waking up with a hangover on Sunday I had a lot of traveling to do. I had to get back to my place to meet my brother and then after that go back into town. What a bloody life I thought. After getting to my house via trams and buses, meeting my brother, doin some random crap I decided to walk into town from my house as it was a nice day and all.
I started on my trek walking down Goodwood road listening to my music on my Mp3 whatsit.
Now normally after I have had a night of drinking I am a little gassy the next day. So I was doin plenty of farts which aint all that strange cause im a pretty farty guy. 'just a little extra boost to get me where I wanna go' I thought to myself happily farting past the Goodwood Park hotel....how wrong I was.
As I walked passed the Royal Adelaide showgrounds I felt a big fart a coming, thinking nothing of it I just let it rip. Then I stopped. Turned off my Mp3s and stood dead still.
I had shat my pants.
Panic struck me as I first couldnt believe that I had actually done it. Surely at 26 years of age I am old enough to know when I need to go to the toilet, this must be some kind of mistake! But sure enough and the warm runny shit smeared itself all over my butt stuck inside my undies I knew what had happened was indeed real.
What to do. I was about 20 minutes walk from home, 20 minutes walk from the city. I decided to go home. And so I started the longest walk of my life. I soon began to think of how horrible it must be to be a baby in a nappy because after about 5 minutes it really started to hurt. Like sting like crazy. I dont know if there was acid in my pooh but it sure felt like I had some in there and it was laying into my poor helpless anus. I walked like a man with shit in his pants, for I indeed had shit in my pants.
After a horrible walk home I finally burst through the door and went to the bathroom. What a horrible site to behold. Thankfully, somehow my bonds briefs had held it all in (yet another reason why briefs are better than boxers) and so none had gotten on my jeans. Thank god. The briefs where thrown straight into the bin outside my house right after i had showered for a good 20 minutes howling the theme song to the movie 'The Crying Game' all the while.
I now live in fear every time I do a fart and as I said before, Im a pretty farty guy.
I started on my trek walking down Goodwood road listening to my music on my Mp3 whatsit.
Now normally after I have had a night of drinking I am a little gassy the next day. So I was doin plenty of farts which aint all that strange cause im a pretty farty guy. 'just a little extra boost to get me where I wanna go' I thought to myself happily farting past the Goodwood Park hotel....how wrong I was.
As I walked passed the Royal Adelaide showgrounds I felt a big fart a coming, thinking nothing of it I just let it rip. Then I stopped. Turned off my Mp3s and stood dead still.
I had shat my pants.
Panic struck me as I first couldnt believe that I had actually done it. Surely at 26 years of age I am old enough to know when I need to go to the toilet, this must be some kind of mistake! But sure enough and the warm runny shit smeared itself all over my butt stuck inside my undies I knew what had happened was indeed real.
What to do. I was about 20 minutes walk from home, 20 minutes walk from the city. I decided to go home. And so I started the longest walk of my life. I soon began to think of how horrible it must be to be a baby in a nappy because after about 5 minutes it really started to hurt. Like sting like crazy. I dont know if there was acid in my pooh but it sure felt like I had some in there and it was laying into my poor helpless anus. I walked like a man with shit in his pants, for I indeed had shit in my pants.
After a horrible walk home I finally burst through the door and went to the bathroom. What a horrible site to behold. Thankfully, somehow my bonds briefs had held it all in (yet another reason why briefs are better than boxers) and so none had gotten on my jeans. Thank god. The briefs where thrown straight into the bin outside my house right after i had showered for a good 20 minutes howling the theme song to the movie 'The Crying Game' all the while.
I now live in fear every time I do a fart and as I said before, Im a pretty farty guy.
posted by matt at 2:44 PM
12 Comments:
When I was eight I shat myself in the music room toilets. I had to walk all the way back to the main school. The boarding school. To my boarding school bathroom. My communal bathroom. With no cubicle doors.
Skinhead nazis have nothing on eight year old wenches with shit for ammunition.
I forgot i made the transition to underwear from nappies when i was smaller and shat in them anyway.
YOurs must have been pretty gross considering it was an AGB. Spongey.
I bet it got stingy because it was drying up and there was crust buildup on the hair around your rectum area as well.
this is one of the funniest things i have ever read in my life.
furthermore, this is good fodder for the 9-5 threeway...
(chomps rubs hands together with glee)
matt, i wouldn't even touch you with someone -elses- syphallitic dick after that story,
oh the pain.
that.. is what is technically refered to in the industry.. as a "SHART"..
a shit masquerading as a fart.. and YES, they are deadly.. and NO.. they are NOT a laughing matter *choke*.. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAA (yeah sorry)
and yes.. it HAS happened likely to all of us at least once.. (although, I'm NOT going to admit to any specific incident here..)
it really helps to know the subtle differences between the "wet" fart.. and the "3 dimensional" one..
and if you scoff.. beware.. it COULD happen to YOU!
its final...
you're dumped
fine line between empathizing and being grossed out. not so fine sometime.
you never fail to make me hot
you know what, anonymous? i would sooo dump him too if i were you. not only did he shit his pants, but then he blogged it for all the world to read. more than enough justification in my books.
ps you may live in fear every time you fart, but now so does everyone else (especially those who live with/close to you or who may visit your house on occasion)
matt, you are seriously my new hero for publishing the fact that you shit your pants.
with undying admiration,
anna.
matt. this post makes me love your often misdirected rants more than ever.
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