The Snorkle
On Saturday night I headed out to see some bands. Just another night out on the weekend I thought. Just another night watching people do things and having a few quiet beers to aid my enjoyment of them. Just a nice night out on the town. Nothing to worry about at all.
That was before I got Snorkled.
'Snorkled?' you ask my dear reader. Well let me explain to you what a Snorkle is.
Basically you get a straw, bend it close to the end, burn a small hole in the bend and put it a bottle. Put the burnt hole in your mouth and cover the bottle top with your mouth also. But make sure the original end of the straw is poking out of your mouth so that you have a 'snorkle' to bring in the air from the outside of the bottle.
Make sense? Anyway then you tip the bottle up and pour it into your mouth. Somehow due to the wonders of science the bottle will empty into your mouth in roughly 2-5 seconds. Meaning you have to gulp that fucker as fast as you can to avoid it pouring all over you.
Now I will explain how this party trick cause my demise.
After having a few quiet beers maybe 3-4 the publican of this bar asked me if I wanted to have a snorkle. As an important member of the entertainment industry I have many publicans trying to bribe me with gifts so I frequent their pub more, this place was no exception. The publican, who we shall call 'Curly' from now on, proceded to create the snorkel from me with a bottle of some smirnoff mixer (a slapper drink). He did it, then I did.
I felt like the bottle had raped me. It pretty much squirted into my stomach like some sort of torpedo. It made me shaky and dizzy. About 5 minutes later the sugar and booze hit and I was quite drunk but also full of loads of sugar and thus became rowdy.
I then did my usual running around ranting at whomever will listen, basically being the life of any party. I proceeded to have several more beers before the idea of snorkling was brought up again. By this stage I was too drunk to think straight and decided it to be the best suggestion ever made. I went and did another one with another publican and felt amazing. This time a crowd had drawn together of people wanting to see the spectacle. People were amazed and cheering. I wanted everyone to do it and started chanting SNORKLE SNORKLE, like some sort of excited scuba diver.
Soon more people had done them and I needed to do another one. This time it was a smirnoff black. The strongest of all these lolly waters. Snorkled.
I was fucked. I no longer made sense as I berrated people until they snorkled, leaving them shell shocked as I moved onto another person to rape with a beverage. One of my sober friends decribed to me the next day that anyone who had had a snorkle made little sense and would just talk non-stop in a very nonsensical manner. I assume I was like this, TO THE EXTREME!
And somewhere in that last snorkle was a one way ticket to spew central. And I had caught the express.
I got taken out of there and driven home. It was bad. I had to get my lady to pull over about 4 times to spew on the side of the road. The most memorable one being on greenhill road leaning over a wire fence while my lady laughed at my shouting vomit spray. I got home and spewed again. Im not really sure how many times. But it was horrible. So many wasted snorkles in a bucket.
My housemate told me of how he was woken up by my loud shouting which I apperently do as the spew is flying out of my mouth. Pretty talented I would say.
Everyone should snorkle at least once in thier life, but maybe not 3 times in one night.
That was before I got Snorkled.
'Snorkled?' you ask my dear reader. Well let me explain to you what a Snorkle is.
Basically you get a straw, bend it close to the end, burn a small hole in the bend and put it a bottle. Put the burnt hole in your mouth and cover the bottle top with your mouth also. But make sure the original end of the straw is poking out of your mouth so that you have a 'snorkle' to bring in the air from the outside of the bottle.
Make sense? Anyway then you tip the bottle up and pour it into your mouth. Somehow due to the wonders of science the bottle will empty into your mouth in roughly 2-5 seconds. Meaning you have to gulp that fucker as fast as you can to avoid it pouring all over you.
Now I will explain how this party trick cause my demise.
After having a few quiet beers maybe 3-4 the publican of this bar asked me if I wanted to have a snorkle. As an important member of the entertainment industry I have many publicans trying to bribe me with gifts so I frequent their pub more, this place was no exception. The publican, who we shall call 'Curly' from now on, proceded to create the snorkel from me with a bottle of some smirnoff mixer (a slapper drink). He did it, then I did.
I felt like the bottle had raped me. It pretty much squirted into my stomach like some sort of torpedo. It made me shaky and dizzy. About 5 minutes later the sugar and booze hit and I was quite drunk but also full of loads of sugar and thus became rowdy.
I then did my usual running around ranting at whomever will listen, basically being the life of any party. I proceeded to have several more beers before the idea of snorkling was brought up again. By this stage I was too drunk to think straight and decided it to be the best suggestion ever made. I went and did another one with another publican and felt amazing. This time a crowd had drawn together of people wanting to see the spectacle. People were amazed and cheering. I wanted everyone to do it and started chanting SNORKLE SNORKLE, like some sort of excited scuba diver.
Soon more people had done them and I needed to do another one. This time it was a smirnoff black. The strongest of all these lolly waters. Snorkled.
I was fucked. I no longer made sense as I berrated people until they snorkled, leaving them shell shocked as I moved onto another person to rape with a beverage. One of my sober friends decribed to me the next day that anyone who had had a snorkle made little sense and would just talk non-stop in a very nonsensical manner. I assume I was like this, TO THE EXTREME!
And somewhere in that last snorkle was a one way ticket to spew central. And I had caught the express.
I got taken out of there and driven home. It was bad. I had to get my lady to pull over about 4 times to spew on the side of the road. The most memorable one being on greenhill road leaning over a wire fence while my lady laughed at my shouting vomit spray. I got home and spewed again. Im not really sure how many times. But it was horrible. So many wasted snorkles in a bucket.
My housemate told me of how he was woken up by my loud shouting which I apperently do as the spew is flying out of my mouth. Pretty talented I would say.
Everyone should snorkle at least once in thier life, but maybe not 3 times in one night.
posted by matt at 2:49 PM
4 Comments:
the WEIRDEST yelling spew i have ever heard.
really loud - kind of similar to matt's singing only wetter.
ah you kids... re-inventing the wheel constantly...in my late 30s, I now spend the wekend at home getting drunk on the couch and falling asleep on my somptuous couch... not only does it make for a great night but I'm also as comfortable as can be.
somptuous
ha!
I didn't understand the snorkle instructions AT ALL, but the confusion was worth it just to get to this line: "I felt like the bottle had raped me".
Classic.
Post a Comment
<< Home