A LONG WEEKEND IN MELBOURNE
Well what a weekend in Melbourne I had. Probably the best time Ive had there in a long time. Read on for the accounts of my days in Melbourne and all that I enjoyed.
Wednesday:
I left for Melbourne on Wednesday night, due to the plane trip being so short there is only about 10-15 minutes where the seatbelt sign is off. Now I needed to go to the toilet, and bad, but during the the time the seatbelt sign was on the damn food trolleys were on either side of me. serving food and thus blocking my way to the toilet. By the time the trolleys had gone the seatbelt sign was back on. Discussing with my friend Nic I decided to risk it all and go to the toilet. I was stopped however by an airhostess telling me to sit back down. I pleaded with her that I really needed to go, but she said I was not allowed to. I sat back down, now white with fear that I would shit my pants, twice in one year, this time on a plane. Luckily I didnt and I pooed as soon as I got to the airport.
Thursday:
I had the fortune of staying with my friend Henry who has just moved into a fancy new house. The next day I spent watching his foxtel digital thing. I paused and rewinded the hell outta that sucka. Eskimo Joe actually look good in slowmotion.
That night I went to a bar called the Retreat. I proceeded to get quite drunk with my friends. I had to endure some awful band called 'The Black Popes' (how controversial!) so I needed plenty of booze. Now the first thing strange about this place was the Unisex toilet. What the hell are they thinking over there? I didnt realise it was unisex and happily peed with the door open as a real man does. This was soon stopped by the screams of a woman who tried to walk into my cubicle only to discover me pissing. She didnt see my turkey but she sounded quite distressed. I informed her that she was in the boys toilets and she told me that it was actually unisex. I declared Melbourne to be disgusting and marched out of there!
When we were finally made to leave the Retreat I was standing out the front of there waiting for Henry to pick us up with his car. As I was bored and drunk I commanded my friend to kick me in the balls (something I enjoy when Im a bit tipsy). He eventually did, I screamed and 2 bums started to talk to us.
'You guys are bloody wierd!!' he said clutching onto his only possesions in the world that appeared to be a plastic bag full of wool. 'This is the generation that are taking over from me. The bloody next generation'
I then demanded to know how old he was because I thought he looked at least 2 generations older than the both of us. He wouldnt tell and then went on to question our sexuallity. Around that time Henry pulled up in his car, seeing us arguing and being shouted at by bums he didnt get out of the car but just said for us to get in. The second bum saw the car and started rubbing his bum on the hood ornament. I assume some sort of homeless teritorial ritual. I tried to pull him away but the first bum grabbed my arm and threw me inside the car slamming the door behind me. We drove off in a hurry to a place called Pony. Where I was told off for trying to pull a chandelier down from the roof...
Friday:
During the day we went to Philip Island to get my new album mastered. It was a lovely time, but I didnt see any penguins.
On Friday night I went to some pub called Prudence where I was recognised for being a musician by the bar staff. They even had one of my songs on some cd there and played it over the speakers. That was quite nice indeed. From there my pal Jyd and I went to the Cherry Bar. A horrible place that is somewhat enjoyable in a car crash sorta way. I found myself in a room full of horrible fashionistas who where mostly nice but just a bit insane. I was told of the unrecognised genius of Paul Dempsey from Something For Kate. I at first thought the guy was joking but then I realised he was serious, and I knew I had to get outta there soon.
Jyd and I went to a burger joint, after Id eaten a hotdog from a stand, and had 2 burgers. We then went to a video game parlour and played virtual guitar games for about 3 hours. Leaving the palour my eyes were sore and I noticed the trams had started, It was 6am and time to go home...
For some reason this was my best night in Melbourne, but nothing too exciting really happened.
Satdee:
After a nice sleep in I had lunch with Henry and his gay friend whos name I dont remember. He was a funny man who earns his living by making 'appearances'. I had the opportunity to try out my new word that Id invented the day before. I asked him if he had ever met any Gasians (gay asians). He said with out missing a beat, 'I used to go out with a Gapanese'.
That night I found myself in a pub called the Rochester. A combination of Shotz and Supermild, with a bit more of a lean towards Shotz. I spent a large portion of the night making fun of some guys jacket to his face and being told by his brother that not only is it common but its quite normal for woman to masturbate whilst breastfeeding. The girls who were there protested this as being absurd, but none of them had ever breastfeed and so were not really 100% sure. Apparently its quite arrousing to have your breast drunk from. I assumed it would hurt quite a bit. But I dont know.
I stayed out too late. And drank and smoked way too much.
Sunday:
I had to catch a plane at 9am. I was still drunk. I thought I was gonna spew for most of the way. It sucked. But the weekend was good. Real goooood.
Wednesday:
I left for Melbourne on Wednesday night, due to the plane trip being so short there is only about 10-15 minutes where the seatbelt sign is off. Now I needed to go to the toilet, and bad, but during the the time the seatbelt sign was on the damn food trolleys were on either side of me. serving food and thus blocking my way to the toilet. By the time the trolleys had gone the seatbelt sign was back on. Discussing with my friend Nic I decided to risk it all and go to the toilet. I was stopped however by an airhostess telling me to sit back down. I pleaded with her that I really needed to go, but she said I was not allowed to. I sat back down, now white with fear that I would shit my pants, twice in one year, this time on a plane. Luckily I didnt and I pooed as soon as I got to the airport.
Thursday:
I had the fortune of staying with my friend Henry who has just moved into a fancy new house. The next day I spent watching his foxtel digital thing. I paused and rewinded the hell outta that sucka. Eskimo Joe actually look good in slowmotion.
That night I went to a bar called the Retreat. I proceeded to get quite drunk with my friends. I had to endure some awful band called 'The Black Popes' (how controversial!) so I needed plenty of booze. Now the first thing strange about this place was the Unisex toilet. What the hell are they thinking over there? I didnt realise it was unisex and happily peed with the door open as a real man does. This was soon stopped by the screams of a woman who tried to walk into my cubicle only to discover me pissing. She didnt see my turkey but she sounded quite distressed. I informed her that she was in the boys toilets and she told me that it was actually unisex. I declared Melbourne to be disgusting and marched out of there!
When we were finally made to leave the Retreat I was standing out the front of there waiting for Henry to pick us up with his car. As I was bored and drunk I commanded my friend to kick me in the balls (something I enjoy when Im a bit tipsy). He eventually did, I screamed and 2 bums started to talk to us.
'You guys are bloody wierd!!' he said clutching onto his only possesions in the world that appeared to be a plastic bag full of wool. 'This is the generation that are taking over from me. The bloody next generation'
I then demanded to know how old he was because I thought he looked at least 2 generations older than the both of us. He wouldnt tell and then went on to question our sexuallity. Around that time Henry pulled up in his car, seeing us arguing and being shouted at by bums he didnt get out of the car but just said for us to get in. The second bum saw the car and started rubbing his bum on the hood ornament. I assume some sort of homeless teritorial ritual. I tried to pull him away but the first bum grabbed my arm and threw me inside the car slamming the door behind me. We drove off in a hurry to a place called Pony. Where I was told off for trying to pull a chandelier down from the roof...
Friday:
During the day we went to Philip Island to get my new album mastered. It was a lovely time, but I didnt see any penguins.
On Friday night I went to some pub called Prudence where I was recognised for being a musician by the bar staff. They even had one of my songs on some cd there and played it over the speakers. That was quite nice indeed. From there my pal Jyd and I went to the Cherry Bar. A horrible place that is somewhat enjoyable in a car crash sorta way. I found myself in a room full of horrible fashionistas who where mostly nice but just a bit insane. I was told of the unrecognised genius of Paul Dempsey from Something For Kate. I at first thought the guy was joking but then I realised he was serious, and I knew I had to get outta there soon.
Jyd and I went to a burger joint, after Id eaten a hotdog from a stand, and had 2 burgers. We then went to a video game parlour and played virtual guitar games for about 3 hours. Leaving the palour my eyes were sore and I noticed the trams had started, It was 6am and time to go home...
For some reason this was my best night in Melbourne, but nothing too exciting really happened.
Satdee:
After a nice sleep in I had lunch with Henry and his gay friend whos name I dont remember. He was a funny man who earns his living by making 'appearances'. I had the opportunity to try out my new word that Id invented the day before. I asked him if he had ever met any Gasians (gay asians). He said with out missing a beat, 'I used to go out with a Gapanese'.
That night I found myself in a pub called the Rochester. A combination of Shotz and Supermild, with a bit more of a lean towards Shotz. I spent a large portion of the night making fun of some guys jacket to his face and being told by his brother that not only is it common but its quite normal for woman to masturbate whilst breastfeeding. The girls who were there protested this as being absurd, but none of them had ever breastfeed and so were not really 100% sure. Apparently its quite arrousing to have your breast drunk from. I assumed it would hurt quite a bit. But I dont know.
I stayed out too late. And drank and smoked way too much.
Sunday:
I had to catch a plane at 9am. I was still drunk. I thought I was gonna spew for most of the way. It sucked. But the weekend was good. Real goooood.
posted by matt at 11:14 AM
5 Comments:
a) you like to be hit in the balls??? im gonna try it!
b) what about ringing me at 1 am from said toilets and making me talk to strangers entering those dread portals.
'no man is a hero to his wife or his valet'
what the hell is that quote supposed to mean!?
that i clean your suits
I saw Paul Dempsey and the other members of Something For Kate being the centre of a small but rapt group of enthusiasts (OK maybe they were friends)in a small bar off Chapel St., last time I was in Melbourne. Good for them.
i accidently head butted his chest at Revolver once...
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