Cruisin for a Bruisin...
In my last few years of life I have become increasingly cocky and rude to just about everyone. I have embraced my arrogance especially when I am drunk. Among my friends I am thought of a bit of a clown when Ive had a few and try to spill drinks on them and talk shit to strangers...
One thing that has puzzled me and many of my friends is that I have never been beaten up. I get the feeling I have come close a few times but noone has ever layed into me for being a jerk, and believe me I can be quite a jerk.
Here is a list of incidences where I should have been beaten up by someone, or at least roughed up a little, but wasnt:
1) Whilst performing a karaoke version of Bohemium Rhapsody I kicked a half full pint of beer across the room and into a pool table. I then proceeded to pull all the cds off the wall (they had some shitty display up) and frisbee them into the people in the 'club'. I was allowed to finish the song, which is quite a long song I might add, and I was then very nicely escorted by two bouncers out of the place.
2) Fell asleep on a Pool table. Bouncer asked me to get off. Which I did for 30 seconds, then went right back to sleeping on it. Bouncer kicked me out.
3) Stole a chair from outside the front of the Cranker. Ran down the street. Bouncer chased me. Walked me back with the chair.
4) Thrown up all over the tables out the front of the Exeter spraying lots of people. After finishing i looked at them all and laughed quite happily at them covered in my spew. The peoples faces were not happy.
5) When a very large man stepped on my foot accidentally I demanded to him that he lie on the floor as punishment. He didnt agree with this. I told him to do it several times and he just got angrier and angrier..At that point I decided to put my arm around him and say "we're all friends here arnt we?" he did not agree with me statement and told me to fuck off. I didnt. I kept bothering him. Luckily two of my friends stepped in and while one kept me occupied the other danced with him. And calmed him down a little. He was later kicked out of the bar for beating up someone else.
6) I have spat into the ice sink full of ice for drinks behind a bar when I thought the barman wasnt looking. He was. I was followed by a few members of the staff as I rushed out the door.
7) Told several DJs that they were playing absolute shit. Most of the DJs have not liked this and have yelled back obscenities at me. And I have laughed.
8) Most recently I threw a cushion into a DJ booth. It landed on the turntable and managed to break the record that was playing at the time. Even though about half the dance floor saw me do it noone came to tell me off or make me leave, or even beat me up.
There are plenty more times that I have cause trouble for my fellow man. I have come to the conclusion that I am invincible. Maybe its my smiley face while Im doing all this. I look pretty harmless. And needless to say, if I were to get into a fight I would most likely come off second best. Still it would be kinda interesting...
One thing that has puzzled me and many of my friends is that I have never been beaten up. I get the feeling I have come close a few times but noone has ever layed into me for being a jerk, and believe me I can be quite a jerk.
Here is a list of incidences where I should have been beaten up by someone, or at least roughed up a little, but wasnt:
1) Whilst performing a karaoke version of Bohemium Rhapsody I kicked a half full pint of beer across the room and into a pool table. I then proceeded to pull all the cds off the wall (they had some shitty display up) and frisbee them into the people in the 'club'. I was allowed to finish the song, which is quite a long song I might add, and I was then very nicely escorted by two bouncers out of the place.
2) Fell asleep on a Pool table. Bouncer asked me to get off. Which I did for 30 seconds, then went right back to sleeping on it. Bouncer kicked me out.
3) Stole a chair from outside the front of the Cranker. Ran down the street. Bouncer chased me. Walked me back with the chair.
4) Thrown up all over the tables out the front of the Exeter spraying lots of people. After finishing i looked at them all and laughed quite happily at them covered in my spew. The peoples faces were not happy.
5) When a very large man stepped on my foot accidentally I demanded to him that he lie on the floor as punishment. He didnt agree with this. I told him to do it several times and he just got angrier and angrier..At that point I decided to put my arm around him and say "we're all friends here arnt we?" he did not agree with me statement and told me to fuck off. I didnt. I kept bothering him. Luckily two of my friends stepped in and while one kept me occupied the other danced with him. And calmed him down a little. He was later kicked out of the bar for beating up someone else.
6) I have spat into the ice sink full of ice for drinks behind a bar when I thought the barman wasnt looking. He was. I was followed by a few members of the staff as I rushed out the door.
7) Told several DJs that they were playing absolute shit. Most of the DJs have not liked this and have yelled back obscenities at me. And I have laughed.
8) Most recently I threw a cushion into a DJ booth. It landed on the turntable and managed to break the record that was playing at the time. Even though about half the dance floor saw me do it noone came to tell me off or make me leave, or even beat me up.
There are plenty more times that I have cause trouble for my fellow man. I have come to the conclusion that I am invincible. Maybe its my smiley face while Im doing all this. I look pretty harmless. And needless to say, if I were to get into a fight I would most likely come off second best. Still it would be kinda interesting...
posted by matt at 11:35 AM
2 Comments:
This sounds like me about ten years ago. I can tell you from personal experience that the 'invincible' part will - make no mistake - cause you to re-evaluate once something genuinely shitty or awful or tragic happens.
The incidents you've described are humorous and exceptionally good anecdotal evidence of enjoyment of life to its fullest, but once something genuinely nasty happens, invincibility will no longer be the co-pilot.
Fucking fun though, eh? ; )
living life to the full is my middle name. that and 'gleaming the cube'
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