MUCH APOO ABOUT NOTHING

If you walk down to the bottle shop area in the bottom floor of the Adelaide David Jones, 9 times out of 10 it will stink of pungent SHIT! There is a toilet right near there so I assume that poo is just flying around inside there like some sort of toilet getting rid of some demons.

OR

One of the employees of David Jones has a major gas problem.

I dont know about you but when Im looking to buy fine goon I prefer to smell things like booze as apposed to a whole pile of crap. But thats just me.

I think I might write a letter to Adelaide Matters to get this all cleared up. They seem to know a fair amount about crap.

WIGGITY WACK

Students are back. Is it just me or do they get uglier everyday?

I miss patch baggums

KEEP OFF MY DRIVEWAY!

Yesterday morning whilst I was in the shower the doorbell at our house kept going off. Thinking it was just doorknockers or someone else annoying I ignored it and enjoyed my shower. When I got out of the shower my housemate was standing at the doorway talking to an irate man. Apparently someone had dinged his car which was parked across the street from our driveway, and seeing one of the beat-up looking cars in our driveway assumed it was us.

My housemate told him it wasnt us and went back inside.

About 10 minutes later I left the house to head off to work. When I got outside I had a quick look at our car in the driveway and saw no new dents on there at all. When I turned around the guy was standing at the end of our driveway staring at me. I said hello and walked over to him. I told him that all the dents on that car had been there for ages and that we didnt hit his car.

I walked over to his car and had a look. It was one of the ugliest cars Ive seen. A white WRX or some kind with wings on the back. The part that was broken was a little crappy bubble around one of the front lights, and there were some smudges and scratches around the area. Not really much at all. But he was rather upset so I acted concerned.

'I like my car, Ive only had it a year'
'Yeah its a nice one, sucks that happened to it'
'Yeah'

I then told him of all the trouble we have had on our street with our cars getting damaged. He didnt live round there, was just visiting a friend. He was an ugly nerd but seemed reasonable enough about it all. We even decided that it was probably a bicycle that caused the damage and the tire mark was really high on the car. He drove off annoyed but I thought he believed me. I went to work and thought nothing more of it.

That night when I got home from work he was there again. There were a few other guys standing around his car. I went into my house but as I almost entered I saw a man standing in our driveway. I said hello, this guy was younger and more tough looking. But he still looked like a twat. He came right up to me and started talking into my face quite aggressively.

'Do you know anything about the car being hit out there!?'
'No, and I talked to the guy about it this morning'
'Where is the other car that was in your driveway??' (he was now referring to the newer car that was also in our driveway, that had no dents on it at all)
'I dont know! Probably driving around somewhere'
'Well when is it getting BACK?!'
'I dont know! Why do you want to see that car anyway, it doesnt have any dents on it at all!'

He then turned and started to walk off but said to me 'I know where you live'. It was then I snapped, I got so fukin mad at the turd faced knob.

'Are you threatening me!?!? Is that what you are saying!??'
He didnt say anything he just stood there trying to look tough and scary.
'Why dont I call the fukin cops and see what they think about all this!?!'
As soon as I mentioned the police he backed off a few steps and looked a bit more concerned.
'GET OFF MY DRIVEWAY OR ILL CALL THE COPS!'

Then my other housemate and girlfriend hearing all the commotion came out to see what was going on. Nick (my housemate) realised it was about the car and called the guy a fukin idiot. The guy stood at the end of our driveway saying 'come over here and say that'

I found that quite funny. Then my girlfriend shouted at him to act like a grown up. That was also quite entertaining as he really didnt know what to say to that at all.

We all went inside and I made a nice bolognese, where the pasta was cooked from the steam coming out of my ears. Man I wanted to punch that guy.

True Story!

THROW DOWN YR GUNS....

On the weekend I witnessed my friend climb to the top of the fountain in rundlemall, get completely drenched, struggle to get down, then go on to rocket barand dance the night away. I was well impressed.

I realised from this that I have not been as carefree and reckless as I oncewas. I need to bite the bulls ass again and hang on for dear life.

I might just start my reckless streak with Arts SA. We shall see Arts SA, we shall see....

A LONG WEEKEND IN MELBOURNE

Well what a weekend in Melbourne I had. Probably the best time Ive had there in a long time. Read on for the accounts of my days in Melbourne and all that I enjoyed.

Wednesday:

I left for Melbourne on Wednesday night, due to the plane trip being so short there is only about 10-15 minutes where the seatbelt sign is off. Now I needed to go to the toilet, and bad, but during the the time the seatbelt sign was on the damn food trolleys were on either side of me. serving food and thus blocking my way to the toilet. By the time the trolleys had gone the seatbelt sign was back on. Discussing with my friend Nic I decided to risk it all and go to the toilet. I was stopped however by an airhostess telling me to sit back down. I pleaded with her that I really needed to go, but she said I was not allowed to. I sat back down, now white with fear that I would shit my pants, twice in one year, this time on a plane. Luckily I didnt and I pooed as soon as I got to the airport.

Thursday:

I had the fortune of staying with my friend Henry who has just moved into a fancy new house. The next day I spent watching his foxtel digital thing. I paused and rewinded the hell outta that sucka. Eskimo Joe actually look good in slowmotion.

That night I went to a bar called the Retreat. I proceeded to get quite drunk with my friends. I had to endure some awful band called 'The Black Popes' (how controversial!) so I needed plenty of booze. Now the first thing strange about this place was the Unisex toilet. What the hell are they thinking over there? I didnt realise it was unisex and happily peed with the door open as a real man does. This was soon stopped by the screams of a woman who tried to walk into my cubicle only to discover me pissing. She didnt see my turkey but she sounded quite distressed. I informed her that she was in the boys toilets and she told me that it was actually unisex. I declared Melbourne to be disgusting and marched out of there!

When we were finally made to leave the Retreat I was standing out the front of there waiting for Henry to pick us up with his car. As I was bored and drunk I commanded my friend to kick me in the balls (something I enjoy when Im a bit tipsy). He eventually did, I screamed and 2 bums started to talk to us.

'You guys are bloody wierd!!' he said clutching onto his only possesions in the world that appeared to be a plastic bag full of wool. 'This is the generation that are taking over from me. The bloody next generation'

I then demanded to know how old he was because I thought he looked at least 2 generations older than the both of us. He wouldnt tell and then went on to question our sexuallity. Around that time Henry pulled up in his car, seeing us arguing and being shouted at by bums he didnt get out of the car but just said for us to get in. The second bum saw the car and started rubbing his bum on the hood ornament. I assume some sort of homeless teritorial ritual. I tried to pull him away but the first bum grabbed my arm and threw me inside the car slamming the door behind me. We drove off in a hurry to a place called Pony. Where I was told off for trying to pull a chandelier down from the roof...

Friday:

During the day we went to Philip Island to get my new album mastered. It was a lovely time, but I didnt see any penguins.

On Friday night I went to some pub called Prudence where I was recognised for being a musician by the bar staff. They even had one of my songs on some cd there and played it over the speakers. That was quite nice indeed. From there my pal Jyd and I went to the Cherry Bar. A horrible place that is somewhat enjoyable in a car crash sorta way. I found myself in a room full of horrible fashionistas who where mostly nice but just a bit insane. I was told of the unrecognised genius of Paul Dempsey from Something For Kate. I at first thought the guy was joking but then I realised he was serious, and I knew I had to get outta there soon.

Jyd and I went to a burger joint, after Id eaten a hotdog from a stand, and had 2 burgers. We then went to a video game parlour and played virtual guitar games for about 3 hours. Leaving the palour my eyes were sore and I noticed the trams had started, It was 6am and time to go home...

For some reason this was my best night in Melbourne, but nothing too exciting really happened.

Satdee:

After a nice sleep in I had lunch with Henry and his gay friend whos name I dont remember. He was a funny man who earns his living by making 'appearances'. I had the opportunity to try out my new word that Id invented the day before. I asked him if he had ever met any Gasians (gay asians). He said with out missing a beat, 'I used to go out with a Gapanese'.

That night I found myself in a pub called the Rochester. A combination of Shotz and Supermild, with a bit more of a lean towards Shotz. I spent a large portion of the night making fun of some guys jacket to his face and being told by his brother that not only is it common but its quite normal for woman to masturbate whilst breastfeeding. The girls who were there protested this as being absurd, but none of them had ever breastfeed and so were not really 100% sure. Apparently its quite arrousing to have your breast drunk from. I assumed it would hurt quite a bit. But I dont know.

I stayed out too late. And drank and smoked way too much.

Sunday:

I had to catch a plane at 9am. I was still drunk. I thought I was gonna spew for most of the way. It sucked. But the weekend was good. Real goooood.

Melbourne Bound

Tomorrow I am going to Melbourne for 4 days to basically get drunk and cause trouble. When you are in a different state from your home you can not get arrested. Ill be taking full advantage of this oversight in the law.
Tune in next week for a full rundown.