Piss and Shit
*Warning: Poo related entry*
One of my good time buddies was telling me that he recently had dinner with his family and somehow during the conversation his mother declared that women should be taught to shit and piss their pants on cue so as to deter rapists. Assuming that the rapist would be so grossed out by the shit and piss that they would not rape the victim.
An interesting theory.
I thought this could also work in many different circumstances. For instance I am a lazy man, I am also a man with bowel issues. I have a wonderful problem called Irritable Bowel Syndrome or IBS or even Spastic Bowel. This is a modern day problem that affects lots of people, I get it pretty bad sometimes, causes lots of bloating and gas.
Anyway...I figured if there was something I reeeeeally didnt want to do I could get out of doing it by shitting or pissing my pants. Lets say for example conscription was brought back in and I was going to be sent off to war. I wonder if I could get out of going if I told them I cant control my bowels. And shat myself during the interview. GENIUS!
The possibilities for shirking responsibilities are endless:
War
Lifting heavy things
A great way out of any blind date gone wrong
Backing a trailer out of a driveway
Cooking dinner
Washing Up
Waiting in line for something (surely they would let you to the front if you shat your pants)
And many many more. Of course it would cause you to loose friends and respect from most of the general public. BUT my life will be one hell of a lot easier.
I will need to own more than one pair of pants however...
One of my good time buddies was telling me that he recently had dinner with his family and somehow during the conversation his mother declared that women should be taught to shit and piss their pants on cue so as to deter rapists. Assuming that the rapist would be so grossed out by the shit and piss that they would not rape the victim.
An interesting theory.
I thought this could also work in many different circumstances. For instance I am a lazy man, I am also a man with bowel issues. I have a wonderful problem called Irritable Bowel Syndrome or IBS or even Spastic Bowel. This is a modern day problem that affects lots of people, I get it pretty bad sometimes, causes lots of bloating and gas.
Anyway...I figured if there was something I reeeeeally didnt want to do I could get out of doing it by shitting or pissing my pants. Lets say for example conscription was brought back in and I was going to be sent off to war. I wonder if I could get out of going if I told them I cant control my bowels. And shat myself during the interview. GENIUS!
The possibilities for shirking responsibilities are endless:
War
Lifting heavy things
A great way out of any blind date gone wrong
Backing a trailer out of a driveway
Cooking dinner
Washing Up
Waiting in line for something (surely they would let you to the front if you shat your pants)
And many many more. Of course it would cause you to loose friends and respect from most of the general public. BUT my life will be one hell of a lot easier.
I will need to own more than one pair of pants however...
posted by matt at 3:07 PM
5 Comments:
I'm sure if you worked hard enough, you got train yourself to do this on cue. Start out by eating lots of curry and then holding it in for as long as you can stand before letting it all go. Then you can work your way up to less explosive foods, before you can do it without food altogether.
the bikey's used to smear themselves with shit whenever they visited centrelink... they'd be in and out without any trouble and in no time. shit works well with bueacracy.
ms
hahahaha oh my god, i've had soiling myself as a weapon in my rape avoidance arsenal for ages but i never told anyone for fear of social stigma! i'm gonna print t-shirts that say 'you can spell rape avoidance arsenal without a.r.s.e' it's so liberating to know there are others like me. liberating in the bowels, know what i mean?
i mean can't, obviously.
In the instance of a potential rape, it's probably as good a defence as any.
In the case of avoiding conscription, I'd say you'd more likely be considered for a top-brass position if you could shit your greens on cue.
Imagine introducing yourself to fresh faced, wide eyed army recruits for the first time, laying a cable in your drawers as they looked on and then shouting: "If any of you wretched fucks can't do as I do by the time you're off to defend this great nation, I'll be the first to come round and personally shit down your gob! And General Kaufman will follow when I'm done!"
Of course, you could paraphrase any part of that or mould it to suit your own needs.
It would be the best paid pants shitting job though, wouldn't it?
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