So I work in a place where there are a lot of brainiacs around who know about science. A lot of wackos call up and want to know things or tell things to the brains or as it turns out usually to me, cause no one else really wants to talk to them. I always explain to them that I dont know anything about this stuff as I am just the receptionist, but this doesnt seem to bother many people.
I have lots of serial callers, the strangest of whom just calls and sighs a lot then says 'so what do you think?' 'What do I think about what?' I reply 'Well, I just want to get your opinion' 'I dont really have the time to talk to you today sir' 'Time, now thats a funny thing, what do you think about Time'
It goes on like that for a while.
I had a lady call me up this morning wanting to talk to someone about magnets. What about magnets I asked. 'Well I want to find out a way to stop my train tickets from demagnetizing because they always do and its EXTREMELY frustrating'
She sounded pissed off, like I had been goin into her bags and rubbing magnets on her tickets. Like I got nothing better to do! I asked a couple of people if they wanted to talk to her, no one did, so it was left up to me.
Anyways I said to her that it would be better for her to call the place that sell her the tickets as they would have a better idea of what they are made of exactly. 'Well I already tried that and they just told me not to let it near any magnets' 'Well DO you put it near magnets?' 'Yes' 'Well I think that is the problem' 'No no, you dont understand, I have a purse with a magnetic clip like all women! They dont make them without magnetic clips!!' 'I dont think thats true, you can get them without magnets' 'NOT THAT IVE SEEN'
It was then that I realised that I was going nowhere. For some bloody reason this woman decided they only made one fuking purse in the world. Now unless she is a communist I'm pretty sure there is a whole range to choose from. Ive seen women around, they have lots of different kinds of purses.
But she was determined to get an answer on how to store the tickets without gettin magnets all over them. 'How bout putting them in your pocket' 'They would fall out!' 'Your shoe' 'Thats not very convenient!' 'Well you just need to keep them away from magnets. Find somewhere without magnets and put them in there' 'I dont have anywhere!!!!'
I then said I couldnt help her and I was busy. She sounded pissed off and hung up.
I was writing a rant about mobile phones when my computer crashed. What a bummer. I can hear the sighs of disappointment from the listeners now.
So instead I will write a small conversation I had with a student the other day:
Student: 'Can you tell me where the computer suit is' Me: 'Computer SUIT?!' Student: 'Yeah the computer suit where you go where all the computers are' Me: 'Oh you mean the computer suite(pronounced sweet)' Student: 'HUH?!'
I was at a show the other night were someone was heckling. The performer was from the US and was considered something of a big shot. Now his show was good, and a very interesting performance, but I could see how some people could find it boring. I even got bored from time to time. But hell I get bored at most gigs unless I see my friends up on stage, but thats another rant.
So this guy was heckling about him being boring or whatever and a lot of people were gettin angry at him.
I actually found the whole thing quite funny and entertaining. I like seeing audience interaction. I like it as an audience member and as a performer. And I dont think that anyone is beyond being heckled or cheered for that matter. A gig is not a CD. Its in a public arena where the sound of the audience is a part of it. If you want silence when listening, listen to it on CD.
It is a bit odd that someone would wanna pay 15 bucks to heckle someone but maybe they were expecting a different show. And maybe they went too far. But to tell you the truth I could hardly hear the heckler, what I could hear very clearly however was all the people tellin him off.
Its like people who told me to shuush at the movies when I was laughing through a badly done death scene in Dante's Peak, or when I got glares for singing along and requesting songs at Okkervil River.
If you want silence stay at home.
ps. this might annoy my friends. I apologise, but I stand by my opinion.
Ok Im calling it. I heard by ask for the word funk(y) and all of its derivatives to be banned from the English language. The only time the word funk should ever be used, and it should be sparingly, is when used to describe 'funk music' and for particularly bad smells.
If someone uses 'funky' in my presence to describe themselves, their clothes, my hair, their day or their personality I will scream at them and call them fucked.
It is one of the most annoying words used in the world today and 99% of the people who use the word are absolute tossers. I would like to see some sort of uses of the F-word colony made for them all so they can say 'funk' to their hearts content never again bothering me.
Other words that need to be banned for various are as follows:
Groovy (a close relative to funky) Maccas (its called fuking Mcdonalds people!) Ripe Lentils Tolerance.
The world will be a much happier place without this part of our language. Now if youre all very good I might rant next about my call to ban all religion.
Sometime last year I went a bit bonkers. Well I was feelin a bit out of sorts. Hell I dunno, I was just partying too much. I found myself single and confused with what the hell I was doin with my life.
I went out most weekends and got damn drunk. But a good drunk. It was at this time that I started doing what I had contemplated doing on and off from time to time. Pash boys.
I tried it on with lots of boys that i would run into around the place. Most of whom would laugh and just tell me to look elsewhere. 'No seriously go away, I love you Matt but Im not gonna kiss you'. Despite all my attempts followed by rejection I didnt give up. And finally had a winning streak. I pashed a few boys. Only about 3 properly the rest were weird things that should be more likened to attacks of the face.
Two things I learnt from all of this is one, that stubble pushed against you feels horrible when you are kissing someone. I think if I ever started a relationship with a man I would force him to wax his face in the hope that it would remain smooth.
The other is that boys are crap at kissing. Well crap at kissing me. They dont know what the hell they are doing. I should really teach a class for boys. Cause let me tell ya, these lips know what they are doing.
The pash frenzy ended when I had 2 dreams that freaked me out a little. One where I dreamed my housemate showed me a lot of snakes (read about this in more detail previously on this blog), and the other where I went to bed with my other housemate planning to have sex with him. But was not able to because his penis was shaped like a steak. It looked horrible and I didnt want to go near it.
However it did bring arise to the expression 'pounding the schnitzel'.
Which incidentally is the point of this post. This phrase should be used commonly for men when they want to talk about 'rubbin one out'.
So my band played the Big Day Out in Adelaide. And yes we were amazing. It was very easy to play there in the end, lots of people helping us out and most of the local bands we shared the stage with were really nice and easy to get along with. I even had people wanting to get their photo taken with me. That was very unusual but entertaining.
The best band I saw all day was Wendy Icon. An Adelaide band Id never even heard of. They were the best showmens Id seen in a very long time, complete with flares strapped to guitars and cream pies. Ill be seeing them again.
I hung out backstage with The Go Team. That was pretty fun. I spoke to the guy called Ian. We talked boring recording stuff that I found very interesting, but im sure anyone listening in would have been bored stiff. Then Henry Rollins walked passed and I was confused by both his neck and his strange attitude. I dont get him. He was good in his early days but now I think of him as a bit of a joke. Seemed like a nice enough chap tho. and The Mars Volta have the most amount of band gear Ive ever seen.
I was also lucky enough to take a piss with 2 members of Wolf and Cub.
The rider at the BDO was not all that we had dreamed. There were no sandwiches to speak of. I was forced to go to the sausage sizzle tent.
I had a choice between BBQ sausage, and gourmet sausage. The difference being $2.50. I asked the Indian man behind the counter what the difference between the two were and he replied in a very Apu from the simpsons type voice 'The gourmet sausage has several herbs and spices'. I went the gourmet. Im pretty sure the only difference is that it came in a hot dog bun as apposed to a piece of bread.
But it hit the spot.
It was a nice day. I got tired and a bit bored of seeing bands by the end of it. But it was fun times.
Wow what a boring and non funny post. ill have to funny it up somehow....bah i cant be bothered.
Inspired by a Sweet Raxxx gig I went to on the weekend where a crowd of people thought they were shouting 'Die Bridget Die' rather than 'Die Plain Jane Die', Bridget being the name of an audience member, I have some of my own misheard lyrics stories...
My band has a song that goes 'I thought you were my peak, but it turns out you're a ridge, I must climb over you'. I dont know if I mumble too much but a lot of people have misheard this one. Rather than hearing Peak and Ridge they hear words like Pig, Bitch, Rich, Wig and lots of others that make the song sound a lot harsher than it is. So much so that I have offended someone, and that a man came up to me once and said 'dude I like that song about the pig bitch woman, but thats a bit harsh aint it'.
However perhaps the best misheard lyric Ive ever witnessed was by one of my good pals who decided to sing very loudly and proudly the popular Guns n Roses song 'Paradise City'. However he sang 'Take me down to THE VERY FIRST city'. Laughs all round. 'But I thought that was what he sung', he argued even tho the title of the song suggested being taken to a paradise like city.
