A Horrible Misadventure

After waking up with a hangover on Sunday I had a lot of traveling to do. I had to get back to my place to meet my brother and then after that go back into town. What a bloody life I thought. After getting to my house via trams and buses, meeting my brother, doin some random crap I decided to walk into town from my house as it was a nice day and all.

I started on my trek walking down Goodwood road listening to my music on my Mp3 whatsit.

Now normally after I have had a night of drinking I am a little gassy the next day. So I was doin plenty of farts which aint all that strange cause im a pretty farty guy. 'just a little extra boost to get me where I wanna go' I thought to myself happily farting past the Goodwood Park hotel....how wrong I was.

As I walked passed the Royal Adelaide showgrounds I felt a big fart a coming, thinking nothing of it I just let it rip. Then I stopped. Turned off my Mp3s and stood dead still.

I had shat my pants.

Panic struck me as I first couldnt believe that I had actually done it. Surely at 26 years of age I am old enough to know when I need to go to the toilet, this must be some kind of mistake! But sure enough and the warm runny shit smeared itself all over my butt stuck inside my undies I knew what had happened was indeed real.

What to do. I was about 20 minutes walk from home, 20 minutes walk from the city. I decided to go home. And so I started the longest walk of my life. I soon began to think of how horrible it must be to be a baby in a nappy because after about 5 minutes it really started to hurt. Like sting like crazy. I dont know if there was acid in my pooh but it sure felt like I had some in there and it was laying into my poor helpless anus. I walked like a man with shit in his pants, for I indeed had shit in my pants.

After a horrible walk home I finally burst through the door and went to the bathroom. What a horrible site to behold. Thankfully, somehow my bonds briefs had held it all in (yet another reason why briefs are better than boxers) and so none had gotten on my jeans. Thank god. The briefs where thrown straight into the bin outside my house right after i had showered for a good 20 minutes howling the theme song to the movie 'The Crying Game' all the while.

I now live in fear every time I do a fart and as I said before, Im a pretty farty guy.

Out with the rants, in with the beer.

Some Observations:

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Last night I was watching the Commonwealth games on the tellie. The male commentator remarked that the aussie swimmer winning a gold medal was 'one of the pretty ones'. He then quickly said 'Oh but they are all pretty!'

What a gold moment for Australia.

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On the bus today a guy was wearing a studded wristband, this is fine by me, looked a bit lame, but what the hey. Then I noticed his collar was also turned up. SORRY! The Survey says 'YR A FUKIN TOSSER!'

You cant be a punk and a rower at the same time! Idiots!

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Some rich twats smashed my housemates car windshield late the other night. The car that I LIKE TO DRIVE!!!! There were a million fancy cars on the street why go for the crummiest looking one. Probably had something against the hard working people in the world. One day their ivory mansions will fall and Ill be there to swipe their heated towel racks and sell them on ebay.

More Festival Reports.

I should point out a couple of good things I have seen at this festival shabam so far. The last post was a bit negative and it aint all bad. And as this blog can make or break an show there are 2 worth checking out. And they are right next to each other!

I have no idea what they are called, but I will describe them to you.

1) The crazy robot wings.
Its at the Experimental Art Foundation (next to the Jam Factory) and its a room full of robotic wing type things that get filled up with air and go up and down. Probably dont sound to flash by my description. But believe me its pretty damn impressive. And pretty funny when you see it tickling some snob in the back of the neck while they drink their wine. Good show yes.

2) The video of a tree made out of furniture.
Features a guy with a fake beard turning a gigantic tree into a room full of furniture. I liked this quite a lot. The tree is in the gallery itself too. Trust me its good. Its at the Jam Factory.

I assume these things are still on. Who knows tho. Its a crazy world of mayhem out there.

I have a bruise on my hip from where my housemate kicked me in a bar on the weekend. I keep bumping it on stuff and it hurts. When I get home I am going to kick his ass.

Festival Wrap Up

This last week I have been goin to a lot of semi-exclusive art type parties. One of the perks of my current relationship. The world of art is a strange one indeed. There are people you see at these things that you wouldnt expect to see, and there are people you really would rather not see. It seems about 90% of the people there are not actually there to see the art, but to rather be seen at the art place. I guess its similar to music in some regards.

Anyway over the weekend I made a few observations, here they are:

1. At the Adelaide Art gallery bienialle thingo, everyone was white. And Im not just saying white skinned, but WHITE. Really fuking white. Now Im a whitey so I cant talk but these people were straight off the boat of White town white. The kind of people who would see some foreign or traditional art and think of it as quaint and probably by some to round out their study with some 'other worldy' items.

Actually one of my friends the said they saw a play the other night about African Refugees and heard someone in the audience say 'I know its sad and all but Im really over African Refugees'. Good to hear! Im sure they are pretty much over being refugees too!

Anyway I digress...

2. The Adelaide Art Gallery Bienialle thingy is 99% absolute shite. It made me angry as I wandered around it. Maybe that was a good thing, I dont know, but it was mostly horrible crap. There were a couple of exceptions. Some nice videos of paint and a camera on wheels. And a thing made out of what looked like play-doh was good. But god there was some shite in there. Im sure it will be a great success.

3. Watching richies clamber towards a table trying to get free booze is hilarious. I can understand poor artists tryin to get all the freebies they can get but even the mega-rich type can get in a fluster trying to get a free glass of cheap champagne. I saw one old lady with 2 glasses of wine, at first I thought she was holding one for someone else, but she was drinking from both! Maybe there is a wine shortage in Burnside.

4. The 'King Pins' are very good where as 'Gossip Pop' suck.

5. Commercial Art gallery owners or managers or whatever they are, are very cagey individuals. And will not tell you how much money they are making no matter how many times you shout 'WHATS THE BOTTOM LINE?!' at them whilst drunk. They also sometimes look like Jeff Goldblum.

6. Mike Rann does not have super hearing. I muttered so many insults at him whilst standing 2 metres away but he didnt notice any. Its a good thing for him too cause they were Zingers! 'Rann Gets Rannsults!'

7. If you switch off random lights at the 'land o fake Persia' festival thingo, the staff will turn them back on almost immediately. They are really on top of things down there.

8. David Byrne isnt as smart as I thought he was.

Part Time Bliss

This is my last week of Full-Time work for what I hope is the rest of my life. I have spent the last year working full time and I have decided that it is not for me. Maybe it works for some people. Maybe some people like the routine in their lives. I mean what else is there to do during the day?

But as of next week I will only be working 3 days a week. Which means 4-day weekends EVERY weekend. Life is going to be amazing. I plan to walk around the city beaming.

I will be like a modern day Huck Finn. Ive never read that book but I think he is a pretty happy-go-lucky/care-free type of guy.