Hedging

On Saturday night after a night of music, parties, bbq trashing and lots of the old beer I found myself walking the streets with some good friends. I was in a very happy mood and felt on top of the world. Invincible...

I then sited a hedge near a very big furniture store, all my years of funniest home videos and Jackass taught me that hedges are fun. I ran at the hedge planning to jump over it, where I was going to land, I didnt really think that out cause it was just cement on the other side, maybe the cement could have been newly laid and soft, that would have been nice.

Anyway I ran at it and instead of jumping I somehow forgot that part and more dived straight into it. This probably wouldnt have been that bad except that a metal wire fence was hidden inside the hedge which ment that i got stuck, I slowly fell back out of the hedge with cuts on my hand and legs and plenty of scratches all over me.

Although it hurt quite a bit I felt alive. And damn it was fun. I think I might do it again someday...

All about life

3 posts in 3 days, arnt the fans lucky.

this new jesus: all about life campaign to get the youth into religion thing is pissing me off. Now I know I'm a little byest having strongly regected my religious upbringing and having a strong disliking of most christians on a superficial basis, but this latest trick is insane.

In the commercials they have 'cool' looking youths, who I assume are Yankees talking about whats important to them. It seems like some sort of anti-drug commercial at first but then one mentions that they dont really like religion. Then it cuts to a quick shot of the youths partyin on some city street and one says something like 'I dont really dig religion but that Jesus guy had some real interesting things to say'.

What the hell is this!? Now thats one thing but now I am seeing the signs up for this campaign all over town. The huge irony of it is that I am seeing the signs on churches. Who the hell are the churches trying to kid..'oh we aint religious we just like Jesus, this whole church building thing is just a place where the youths can hang out and party down'. I'd hate to think what paradise community church are doing with this campaign.

At Adelaide Uni the Christian group put up lots of 'thought provoking' signs around the place, trying to spark an interest in religion. stuff like 'god is dead' 'jesus is a wimp' and crap like that. They also have hoodies now, so they can walk around in some sort of youth type uniform. I can see people saying to themselves 'well if they wear hoodies this whole Jesus thing must be pretty cool, sure they are anti-gay and want to make abortions illegal but they have hoodies!'

Balls to them I say. They are corrupting our young and turning people into guilt ridden losers. I dont understand why they are allowed to get away with this stuff, it ruined my life for many years and left me with a lot of ridiculous hang ups. Now they are trying to seduce more people in with some 'its cool to be Christian' crap. I wont have it.

I wonder if I tried to protest their meetings they would talk jive to me and act all 'we are cool with protesting, jesus invented it'.

Get lost. Christians like nerds should have no confidence and should hide away with their little groups and not try to force it upon us. Just like the nerds have their Dungeons and Dragons games. You dont see nerds making ads saying 'i dont really dig dungeons and dragons but the orcs do make some good points'.

Adelaide (s)Thinkers

Ive decided that I would like to be an 'Adelaide Thinker'. I want to get paid 300k a year to sit on my fat ass and think about ways of 'improving' our fair city.

I read an article recently about a Baroness who came to Adelaide to think and all she could come up with was that Science should be more important to us. THATS IT! Fuck off you dumb broad. If the government is that willing to pay for stupidity I think I should be the man to give it.

Ive had some great ideas to improve our society:

The Boyfriends Chair - for when you are shoppin with your female friends and you wanna sit down but cant cause there are no chairs in those horrible smelly shops...the boyfriends chair is there for you...complete with magazine rack and video games!

Carpeting the City - I developed this idea with friends (you see thats what being a thinker is all about, developing ideas with the locals and then stealing them) Imagine if the footpaths were carpeted. It would be so much nicer to walk around on. And the street bums would be more comfortable at night.

Moving the Central Markets Closer to my Work - If they were closer to my work I could go there in my lunch break.

Only Taxis on the Road - I had this great idea when I was a cab driver that only taxis and buses should be allowed on the road, oh and trucks, bikes and stuff, BUT NO PERSONAL CARS. That way there would be huge employment opportunities, Cabs would always be in work so they could charge less, Maybe the drivers could even get paid an hourly rate...with bonuses of course. This would free up congestion on the roads with a lot less cars around, AAAAAnd there would be no need for parking lots. Tonnes of extra space for things.


I should point out that if any government steals these ideas from me I will demand my $300k.

Look at that Balloons!

Last night I had 2 dreams that I can remember. Oh boy he is goin to talk about dreams, you all say, what a fukin hippy. Well dont worry these dreams were not about world peace or sinead o'conner, no they were interesting. And if any of you people are 'dream interpreters' please feel free to tell me what you think they mean...

Dream 1: I went to the zoo with my house mate Nick. We went into the snake enclosure and which for some reason was open to walk around in amoungst the snakes. There were a whole bunch of snakes around the place all over the ground. I was pretty scared of them but Nick seemed to think it was 'great!'. They were all sleeping but Nick decided to wake them up by tappin them on the head. I shouted at him to stop but it was too late. They were awake. They started to crawl all over me and I was freaking out. But then one of the snakes started to talk to me. Told me not to worry. Then all the snakes started talking to me. It was pretty good, we all had a big long chat about this and that. I dont know where Nick went, I think he just dissapeared.

Dream 2: Brian Bell from Weezer had been kicked out of the band for whatever reason, probably cause of wearing such awful shirts. Anyway I had been asked to take his place. I was in WEEZER! It was great, Rivers was teaching me how to play all the songs in some strange place that looked like an abandoned fairground. Some of them were hard but he gave me a lot of tips on playing the lead parts. Unfortunately this dream was cut short by my alarm...but it was the best dream I have ever had.

Analyze that Billy Crystal!

Come on in, the Coffee's fine!

Yesterday my boss (who looks a lot like an old version of Hugh Grant) asked me to put on a pot of coffee in one of those peculator machines...I have no problems with doing this. I kind of enjoy using the machine. I dont drink coffee so its a kind of novelty for me to use these things and I do enjoy the smell.

When I went into the room where my boss was having a meeting with all these important types I looked around for the usual bag of coffee that I pour into the filter thing. I couldnt find it but instead I found a jar of coffee. Looks the same I thought to myself and filled up the filter, started the peculator and went back to my office.

About 30 minutes later after the meeting had finished my boss came out and asked me to put some more coffee on. Then he said, 'that last coffee you made was very bitter' tasted really strange. I was a little surprised, I made up some excuse about it being the end of a bag so that could be it. But I knew in my head what had happened. I had used instant coffee in the machine. And a lot of it! When I pulled out the filter it was completely white (usually its covered in brown bits of coffee), all the coffee had dissolved through it. My boss say it and looked confused. 'Must be a bad filter!' he proclaimed. I quickly agreed...I found some real coffee and made a proper batch.

The stuffed shirts in that meeting must have had a horrible taste in their mouth...and were probably wired for hours...lets hope they werent making any important decisions in there.

The Findings

Well the proposal didnt go exactly to plan.

Friday night: Got quite drunk and talked crap to lots of people. Kissed a boy on the mouth and cant remember who it was. Sang a song with a band and apparently slurred my way through the song (according to one source who has fat ears so everything probably sounds slurred to them anyway).

Saturday night: Plan was going pretty well. Very quiet at the Exeter just having a few nice beers not really bothering anyone. Went to Shotz and got Shotz fever, that place always makes me annoyed if I aint really drunk. Became a broody drunk. Close!!

Sunday night: Got a little tipsy and watched a friend try to obliterate himself. During the process he jumped over bins, sang in falsetto along to a girl on stage, got told off by a stranger, and ate a Martha Wainwright flyer...I was completely entertained the whole night. It was then that I realised that the loud-noisy-crazy-drunk I can be, is the best I can be. They bring happiness and joy to the world. I shouldn't hide it away. I need to let it shine bright. I just needed to see another man do it to realise its true value.

The Proposal

This weekend I am going to make a conscious effort to be a conservative drunk. No crazy loutish behavior. I am going to sit and drink. And only talk to people when they talk to me. Not approach strangers and talk stupidly into their ears.

It will be an interesting experiment to see how boring everyone else's live are, or if they are in fact more interesting.

I will report on the success/failure after the weekend.