Piss and Shit

*Warning: Poo related entry*

One of my good time buddies was telling me that he recently had dinner with his family and somehow during the conversation his mother declared that women should be taught to shit and piss their pants on cue so as to deter rapists. Assuming that the rapist would be so grossed out by the shit and piss that they would not rape the victim.

An interesting theory.

I thought this could also work in many different circumstances. For instance I am a lazy man, I am also a man with bowel issues. I have a wonderful problem called Irritable Bowel Syndrome or IBS or even Spastic Bowel. This is a modern day problem that affects lots of people, I get it pretty bad sometimes, causes lots of bloating and gas.

Anyway...I figured if there was something I reeeeeally didnt want to do I could get out of doing it by shitting or pissing my pants. Lets say for example conscription was brought back in and I was going to be sent off to war. I wonder if I could get out of going if I told them I cant control my bowels. And shat myself during the interview. GENIUS!

The possibilities for shirking responsibilities are endless:

War
Lifting heavy things
A great way out of any blind date gone wrong
Backing a trailer out of a driveway
Cooking dinner
Washing Up
Waiting in line for something (surely they would let you to the front if you shat your pants)

And many many more. Of course it would cause you to loose friends and respect from most of the general public. BUT my life will be one hell of a lot easier.

I will need to own more than one pair of pants however...

A hungry man goes bowling

When a man wants a sausage, he should get a fukin sausage!

Yesterday I went to that new lawn bowls for yuppies place that is sweeping the town. It was my second time there and I have to admit that it was sort of pleasant there. Nice bar, nice beer, nice and cool outside...however it was full of absolute wankers.

The sort of people that make me wanna run round with a big pointy hand and just slap them all in their stupid faces. You know the type, visors, polo shirts, charity wrist bands. Tossers.

Anyway I tried to ignore them and have a nice time with my beer.

A nice part of this place is the BBQ. Its a bit bloody expensive for the amount you get, $7 for half a plate full of food, but it tastes good and Ill pay high prices for meat when Im drinking. Know what Im sayin.

However after finishing my half plate of meat I was still quite peckish. Call me a fatty but I wanted another sausage. You can just get a sausage and bread if you like. So I went back there to get me another nice banger. When I arrived there were about 3 tossers hanging out at the BBQ waiting for the food.

'Id like a sausage and bread thanks' I said politely with im about to eat a sausage smile on my face.

The woman next to me turns to me quite abruptly and states 'You cant have one cause we are buying it all'. I thought she was joking and laughed. Those crazy tossers they like a good joke from time to time ey. 'No we are actually buying it all, you cant have any'.

I looked at the BBQ covered in sausages and hamburger patties and said, 'well all I want is one sausage and bread' my smile turning to a worried concerned expression.

'NUP! We are taking the lot, we have to feed all these people' she pointed to a group of jerks standing around a table, each one covered in more dick than the next.

'I just want ONE! I will pay you $5 for a sausage and bread!' I said quite boldly pulling out the cash and waving it around. She stood there thinking for a second...'No we need them ALL!'

It was then I got mad, they didnt need it all. They had heaps of fuking sausages, the people making the BBQ looked uncomfortable, they knew she was being unreasonable. and so I shouted

'YOU DONT NEED ALL THAT FOOD, YOU ARE ALL HIDEOUSLY OBESE!!!!'

She was a thin enough woman but didnt find this amusing at all. She looked really pissed off and turned the other way no longer wanting to continue the conversation. I stood there for about a minute longer waiting for something to happen. Nothing did. I went to the bar and got a beer. That I later dropped.

Adelaide Pubs - My Story

Inspired by this part of the Adelaide index website here: http://www.adelaideindex.com/?page=map
I have decided to write some of my stories in relation to where they have taken place. As I have spent a good deal of my adult life in pubs around the city, I will tell stories of things that have happened to me in the various nightspots around Adelaide. After all its in pubs when the best things happen to you...

The Exeter Hotel:

The Exeter is a place that I spend the large majority of my time as it is my favorite pub in Adelaide. I have many good stories from this place but the one that always springs to mind first occurred back when I was about 18. After meeting a friend of a friend who spoke Japanese we spent a good portion of the night talking crap about Japan and getting drunker and drunkerer. I was drinking some sort of scotch I think. Something I wasnt entirely used to at that age in my drinking life. Now this man, whos name I forget, was gay. This did not bother me at all but it is important to the story. Anyway after being told to leave the Exeter cause it was closing I stood up from my table and the room started spinning. I did not feel very good. I walked from the beer garden, through the hallway and out the front door. As soon as I stepped through the front door I progectile vomited all over the tables in front of the Exeter and onto a few of the people who were sitting there. I remember a lot of screams and shouts. I thought it was all rather funny and laughed a lot. Then I went to the gutter and finished the job. My new gay friend decided he better get me out of there before I was lynched and escorted me off down the street. The next I remember was waking up in the Eastern parklands on a bench with my new friends head in my lap. I looked down to see him smiling up at me. 'Is this ok?' he asked, 'errr not really' I replied. He lifted his head from my crotch and sat up putting his arm around me stroking my hair. 'I wanna go home' I moaned. He then drove me home which I thought was very nice of him. I later found out that he talked to all of my friends and told them that I was a prick-tease and that I was in denial about my sexuality. I must have pissed him off with my friendlyness. What a jerk.

The Crown 'n' Scepter:

This place USED to be my favorite pub. As a youngster I had many a good time there. Very nice place it was indeed. Its now a pile of shit that I dare not step into now, however it looks as though it does a lot better business these days. It was at the Crown and Scepter that I met a lot of my current friends. It was a popular place for Adelaide bands to play so a lot of people would be there that I sort of knew. At the time I was working evening shift in a meat freezer. A place I used to steal from regularly. One night I had come directly from work to the CnS to see a band or something. In my backpack I had a large amount of stolen meat. Top quality meat I might add, if your gonna get caught stealing you might as well get caught stealing the best, not worth loosing your job for some no frills ham. Anyway it was a warm night and I had a bag full of meat at the CnS. I got quite drunk and started offering my meat to people I hardly knew, who I now call my friends. To my surprise no one wanted free meat from the drunk guy in a pub. I was quite drunk and tried to explain to them that the meat was top quality and that they were turning down some damn good eatin here! But to no avail. I later found out once I got to know these people that I was referred to 'the meat guy'. A name I wish I still championed.

The Crown and Anchor:

Most of these stories are from my late teen years. A point in my life when I was going a bit mad. I was in a long distance relationship, studying full-time, working a lot of nights in a freezer, and drinking an awful lot. I was also as troublesome as I could be to the general population. And for some reason the Crown and Anchor brought out the worst in me. Still does actually. I may have mentioned this story before but here we go again. It was a hot summers night. I was drunk. I had somehow come into the possession of a water pistol. I ran through the pub shooting as many people as I could. Some people found it funny. Others did not. I squirted some girl who screamed in horror, as I ran past i felt something very hard hit me in the back just below my neck. I fell to the floor. As I turned around and looked up I saw a very angry man holding the girls hand. I realised he had punched me in the back for squirting his lady. As a skinny young drunk I decided it was best not to continue the fight and offered him my water pistol. He told me to get fucked at that was the end of that.

The Grace Emily:

Around the time of this event I had discovered that if you grabbed your cheeks and pulled them back and forth quickly you could make a sound a lot like a man masturbating. I thought it was hilarious. Unfortunately you could not talk while doing that so additional sound effects were impossible. I came up with a great gag to go into a toilet cubicle with someone else, make that sound while the other person made groaning 'oh momma' sounds to give the illusion that there was someone masturbating in the toilet. What a great gag I thought! One drunken eve at the Grace Emily I was telling my new friend Debbie my zany scheme. She thought it was a great idea and agreed with me to go into the boys toilets and help me carry out my dream prank. As we walked into the toilets together a cranky looking man was coming out. We thought nothing of it and hid in the cubicle. I was trying to make the sound but unfortunately we were too busy giggling at what we were trying to do to actually pull it off. As we crouched in there giggling waiting for our first victim to arrive we heard a large banging on the toilet door. 'Come out of there!' a guy yelled. We waited a few seconds and reluctantly opened the door, the cranky guy had told the bar staff that we were in there. I tried to explain to the guy that we wernt really do what he thought. He didnt seem to care. And just wanted us out of his toilets. The prank was never pulled off. I later heard that a couple weeks later, my partner in crime was once again at the Grace, this time in the womens toilets when someone smashed a mirror in there. The same guy came running into the toilets to see Debbie standing there near the mirror. He remembered her and blamed her. She protested her innocence but I dont think he believed her. Oh well.

The Worlds End and Shotz:

One night I was at the Worlds End with some pals of mine, we were all having a nice few ales together. My lady friend at the time wanted to go home so I took her home, not wanting her to go home on her own. We lived on Frome st which was very close to Shotz and so I told my friends that when they got to Shotz to call me and I would meet them there. I was keen to party on you see. After coming home my lady friend went to bed and I sat watching late night tv, waiting for my friends to call. I was a little drunk and quite hungry. I noticed in the kitchen a loaf of fresh bread. I decided to make myself a nice butter sandwich. I made that and ate it quickly declaring it a taste sensation. I continued to make butter sandwiches and eat them while watching tv until my friends called. By the time they called I suddenly realised that I had eaten the entire loaf of bread. Feeling a bit queezy I still walked to Shotz determined to keep the party going. After standing around there for a little bit with my pals ever so slowly sipping on my schooner of beer, I rushed to the toilet feeling very awful. I proceeded to throw up the entire loaf of bread which was still in a very solid breaddy like state. I didnt feel ill after that but unfortunately I had gotten a lot of it on my clothes and so had to go home. It was a sad day in the life of party Matt. And a sorry day for party enthusiasts everywhere.

Mayor Matt

It is becoming quite apparent to me that I now own this town. I have quite obviously become its king and everyone else are my loyal subjects. If you read Ianto Wares blog you will find him telling you that he is in fact a king among men. But all he has to stake this claim is that he can peddle his fat arse up a hill.

La di fukin dah.

Me on the other hand have many reasons to claim this.

Firstly my band is on the cover of dB magazine right now. The last local band to be on there was the Hot Lies. And look at them now. Kings of emo. Soon the title will be back in my hands.

Not only am I on the cover but there is also a lovely interview with me proclaiming to be the best in the country. I wonder if i can quote myself in press releases. I saw a guy do it on a Wilco documentary after he got kicked out of the band for being a wanker. hmmm...

Secondly I have randoms coming up to me and giving me compliments. People I have never seen are coming up to me in places around town telling me how great I am. I mean, what is this supposed to do to a mans ego? Surely its going to inflate.

I even went to the trouble of shaving off my sideburns after a strange woman complimented me on them. I dont want compliments about my facial hair. I want it for my raw talent. RAW talent = RAW face!

I have also had people point and stare at me. This made me feel slightly uncomfortable. I finally understand how poor Sarah Mcloud of the Superjesus must have felt 5 years ago. I saw the poor girl walking through the mall disguised in dark glasses and a big jacket to hide her fame from the world. At the time I laughed to myself. 'Why would she want to hide from the world' I giggled. Now I finally know.

I love my people, but I have trouble being amongst them. Please email me your compliments, or post glowing letters. Face to face is hard as I need to have my private life too. If a man wants to adopt a baby from a starving mother, then let a man adopt a baby.

My friend informed me that 2006 is the Chinese year of over-confidence. I wonder if I should take any of that into account. But its also the year of the dog too. I dont see too many dogs taking over the pop charts anytime soon, but then again last year a frog and some fuking animal called schnappy the crocodile both had big hits...maybe Ruffles the Wonder dog will have a hit with a remix of 'give a dog a bone'.

Actually that gives me an idea....

30 = past it?

I have been known for stating several times that once you have passed 30 your life is over. Finished. Kaput.

What possible excitements and new experiences can you have after 30 that warrant living much past that. I have argued this opinion with several of my friends. Most whom have disagreed with me and argued strongly against my opinion. I remained convinced of my position that after 30 life was basically crippled with the realisation that there is nothing really left.

I have held this belief strongly in my mind for several years. That was until one woman changed my mind on the whole idea. That one woman is...

MADONNA

Madonna has proven to me that life after 30 can be very eventful and sometimes better than before 30. I believe her body of work after 30 to be far superior than that of her youth. A very unusual occurance for a musician. Sure I like a lot of her early stuff and some of its damn catchy, but my god her new stuff is genius.

Her new song 'Hung up' is one of the best songs ive heard in a very long time. Sure she has made some big errors. Trying to rap for example, covering American Pie, wearing horrible army clothes, but we can forgive her of these slight errors for her otherwise non-stop genius.

Just look at some of the highlights from her 30s onwards...She turned 30 in 1988 btw.

Released the following hits: Like a Prayer, Vogue, Justify My Love, Erotica, Ray of Light, Nothing Really Matters, Beautiful Stranger, Dont Tell Me, Die Another Day, Hung Up. To name a few.

Starred in Dick Tracy and Evita.

Released books on Sex, had babies, signed huge record deals.

It seems that she has been more successful after 30 than before. What a woman. What a world.

What does this mean for me? Well it means i can take it easy for a few more years. chill. whats the flowers grow. eat more.
Ill be happy to wait till im 35 till i sign with sony records. I can struggle for a bit longer.

I think I will have to buy that newish Madonna album pretty soon tho.

A Marvelous Wanker.

So there has been a severe lack of funnies on this site lately. Blood donation and job searches? Cmon what the hell was I thinking. Have I forgotten about you, the dear reader? Rest assured I have not. I have just been suffering from a form of writers block. Or as I prefer to call it, a non-eventful life.

'But arnt you some sort of famous super star? Surely everyday is full of adventures.' You all ask in disbelief...Alas this is not the case.

However I have had a couple of mini adventures or incidences over the past couple weeks that I shall fill you in on.

- I saw a guy taking a piss at a urinal who was swigging on a bottle of coke whilst doing so. One hand was on his willy the other on the coke. It was quite disturbing, especially when his piss (which I was downstream from) was bright orange. He then needed to hold the bottle in his mouth to do the 'shake' and left without washing his hands.

- Whilst driving down a street near my house a car almost drove into me by backing out of the driveway without looking. I made sure they knew about it by beeping them several times in a very annoying fashion whilst driving slowly past. After about the 5th beep the banshee inside the car screamed 'I CAN HEAR THAT!!!'. She sounded very irate. It was quite entertaining. I love causing road rage. Works very well if you flip someone off. Ive been yelled at at the lights several times after a good flip. Most of them Ive flipped off again during the telling off.
Nothing better than seeing a bald faced wanker go red when you wave at him.

- Hung out at a swanky place called the Treasury. The guy who worked there had to clear the courtyard but I kept goin out there to smoke. He kept telling me to come back inside to which I said I didnt want to make people die from passive smoke. He still told me to come inside. I then proceeded to rant to him about the dangers of passive smoke whilst I smoked away. He didnt think I was making any sense. I was quite drunk. He told me off a few times that night. Was a nice chap tho.

- Also have just been called a 'Marvelous Wanker' in print. I guess its official.


hmmmm. This might not be up to the usual standard of Dempsey...but stay with me. Something interesting is bound to happen to me, or piss me off soon enough...

Matt needs new Job

Happy New Year! Yeah yeah. 2006 is gonna be a good one. Well it better be.

I have 2 announcements.

Matt (ie me) needs a new job. I am looking for part time work of almost any nature. Prefrebly something of a non labour intensive nature. Maybe some receptioning type stuff, or call centre crap. I got great credentials. Just look at my job history:

Freezer storeperson
Taxi Driver
Souvineir Shop Attendant
Receptionist/Personal Assistant
Music Teacher

I mean who wouldnt hire me?!

So if you are in Adelaide and know of some work goin that I could do...gotta be part time. I want free time, know what Im saying. Please let me know. email me mattbanham@hotmail.com

Would be greatly appreciated.

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Also my band (no through road) is playin this Sunday at the Wheatsheaf hotel. The gig starts at 4. Little Ice Age are on first. Come along cause we rule.