On the weekend I somehow managed to get sunburnt. I dont know how the hell I did cause I spent about 10 minutes in the sun. AND it was a cloudy day.
Try to explain that, SCIENCE!
Anyway due to my pale skin and my refusal to wear sunscreen - (I did a OH&S thing once and the guy teaching it went on this big rant about how the chemicals in sunscreen can actually GIVE you cancer. I was shocked and appalled. But wasnt entirely sure he was onto a good thing cause his face was really gross and covered in horrible skin, he also had a rant about aluminium foil which tho made no sense made me like him even more) - I now have something that my housemate often refers to as 'Dragon Face'
Or as my lovely friend put it a 'peely monster face'.
Great.
Since then I have found myself mentioning my sunburn to everyone I talk to so that they dont just think that I am the worlds flakiest man.
'No I dont have dandruff on my face its just sunburn'.
I have to play a gig this weekend. I hope it clears up by then or else the audience is gonna get a lot more than just blood, sweat and tears. They will have to pick little bits of skin out of it all.
My friend Nick made reference to this song by Nickleback a while ago on his livejournal but I decided that this song needs a post all of its own.
The new single by Nickleback called 'Photograph' is one of the most atrocious examples of songwriting that I have ever heard. But it is also one of the most entertaining songs I have heard in a very long time. All you need to see are the lyrics, even if you havnt heard the song. They are amazing.
------------ "Photograph"
Look at this photograph Everytime I do it makes me laugh How did our eyes get so red And what the hell is on Joey's head
And this is where I grew up I think the present owner fixed it up I never knew we'd ever went without The second floor is hard for sneaking out
And this is where I went to school Most of the time had better things to do Criminal record says I broke in twice I must have done it half a dozen times
I wonder if It's too late Should i go back and try to graduate Life's better now then it was back then If I was them I wouldn't let me in
Oh oh oh Oh god I
Every memory of looking out the back door I had the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor It's hard to say it, time to say it Goodbye, goodbye
Every memory of walking out the front door I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for It's hard to say it, time to say it Goodbye, goodbye
Remember the old arcade Blew every dollar that we ever made The cops hated us hangin' out They say somebody went and burned it down
We used to listen to the radio And sing along with every song we know We said someday we'd find out how it feels To sing to more than just the steering wheel
Kim's the first girl I kissed I was so nervous that I nearly missed She's had a couple of kids since then I haven't seen her since god knows when
Oh oh oh Oh god I
Every memory of looking out the back door I had the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor It's hard to say it, time to say it Goodbye, goodbye
Every memory of walking out the front door I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for It's hard to say it, time to say it Goodbye, goodbye
I miss that town I miss the faces You can't erase You can't replace it I miss it now I can't believe it
So hard to stay Too hard to leave it
If I could I relive those days I know the one thing that would never change
Every memory of looking out the back door I had the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor It's hard to say it, time to say it Goodbye, goodbye
Every memory of walking out the front door I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for It's hard to say it, time to say it Goodbye, goodbye
Look at this photograph Everytime I do it makes me laugh Everytime I do it makes me --------------
At least he isnt singing about girls going down on him anymore. That was really disturbing given his face.
Ive been damn busy at work. Stuck in a little room most of the time. Checking that things have been added up properly. When you do such medial tasks for a long time, a man gets to thinking...
The other day at work, a Korean co-worker read me my future. He started off by telling me what my personality was right now...he was quite accurate, but he knows me well enough to guess perhaps. Then he told me stuff that had happened in my past, he was also quite right about that too. It was goin very well until he asked me, 'Do you like eating?' I said that I did and he went on ask, 'do you eat after you are full just because you like the taste?'
I replied cautiously but truthfully...'yeeeeees'
'Hmmmmmm', he said and stared at his readings a bit more. 'Your 40's could be veeeery interesting'
Apparently I am gonna have loads of health problems in my 40s due to my spiralling out of control eating disorder. I could put a stop to this now, but for some reason hearing this news just makes me what to eat more. Hell I cant fight my destiny can i? If it is written that I will become a fat man, who am I to stop that?
BRING ME MORE CHIPS! and hey if Im gonna be fat I might as well be obese...no use having a half arsed attempt at this...
hell maybe ill even HAVE an arse when im fat. Thats a nice thought...
In my lunch break today I found myself in a chemist with my good pal Tony, who actually prefers to be called 'Toadie', and we were lookin at all the stomach related products.
A few days earlier while having a schnitzel at the world famous London Tavern I had seen an ad on the television for a new medicine for Irritable Bowel Syndrome, something I suffer from. It promised to cure bloating, gas and everything else that came along with the horrible torture that IBS can bring to your daily life.
I was excited and wanted to 'check it out'.
We perused the shelves looking for it but were not able to find it. Maybe the ad is making it a popular item, and it is selling fast. I didnt want to ask the counter lady if they had it as its kinda embarrassing. 'Do you have that new medicine for people who fart a lot?'
However in our perusals we found many amazing things.
The detox kits were awesome. My friend Toadie talked me through them as he had tried one before. "I was a new man! I even went to bed on time!!' Sounded pretty amazing to me. He recommended one that came with a free CD-ROM. I thought about it and decided that I might do one after Christmas. It cleans you all out! Liver, stomach, and all the other crap inside...
This reminded me of my interest in gettin an enema. I would love to clean out the old system. I assume it makes you feel amazing, specially for someone like me whos bowels are always a little tender...
We then found some very amusing products suck as De-Gas lots of other fart related pills, some bottle of stuff for bloated women with a picture of an old lady in a pink blouse on the label.
But the best were Anusol Wipes. Little things you wipe on your anus when you have hemmeroides. The best things about these were not just the lovely diagrams on the box but the fact that they are called Anusol wipes.
ANUS (H)OL(E). Marketing genius at its best. I hope to god I never get hemmeroides cause having to buy that stuff would make me giggle too much.
Chemists ey.
ps if the big words are spelt wrong...I DONT CARE!!!
On Saturday I was feelin a little strange. I hadnt had a lot of caffeine of sugar or anythin... I was just feelin all energetic and slightly destructive. My first thought of outlet for this was to steal sandwich boards from out the front of shops. But my friend told me that this would be a stupid idea and that I shouldnt do it cause it would just be plain annoying.
They might have had a point.
Then I went to the Jade Monkey later that night to see some bands play. Now im all for bands and music and all that. But what the hell is the deal with bands!? Why is everyone in one? And why do they always play? And why do I seem to end up seeing a band all the bloody time. BANDS! anyway thats another rant that will make more sense once ive work shopped it.
So Im at the Jade Monkey talking to one of the bands and I get a sudden urge to punch 2 members of the band. I wasnt feeling aggressive just wanted to punch them. One of them, lets call him Weedy Eye Joe, wasnt really into it. 'just have a drag of my smoke' says Weedy Eye Joe...so i did. but that didnt calm my energetic tendencies. so i went after another one. Lets call him Tight Pants Jack. Tight Pants Jack was a little more into it. He has in the past let me get away with several things with him, including making out with him a couple times. Horrible kisser by the way.
Anyway Tight Pants Jack was wearing a Rocky tshirt which i think made him think he was mr invincible of some kind. So we started giving each other little punches. Then one of us had some great idea to jump the back fence of the Jade Monkey. Now im about 6 foot 2 and the fence was just a little shorter than my head. Old Tight Pants is probably about 5 foot 10 or some useless short height like that.
So I start trying to scramble up this fence but as Im doing so I suddenly snap out of my crazed boystrousness, see all the bins over the other side of the fence and think, 'what the hell am i doing?!'. Tight Pants somehow managed to jump the fence like a lemur and is standing alone in the alley askin me how to get out of there. I told him I didnt know and left him there in the alley. I dont know what happened to him. I assume he is dead.
More importantly has my boystrousness died? I guess Ill just have to wait and see...
Of all the surfy folk types out there, like Jon Butler Trio, Xavier Rudd, Jack Johnson etc, the one I can stand the most is easily Pete Murray.
For a start he looks too old and bulky to be a rock star, we already have Alex Lloyd. I guess to Pete Murray's credit he seems to be a fit old man. Probably wont fill out as much as poor old Alex has. Pete also has this horrible smug look on his face when he sings and almost comes across as slightly masogonistic...
But these are not the reasons which I cant stand him. It is for his ability to write horribly boring songs that I get stuck in my head for a very long time. His recent single 'Better Days' has to be one of the worst songs I have heard in a long time. The lyrics are trite, the melody is extremely boring and the arrangement is so obvious that it hurts my ears.
And yet I have had it in my head for ages. The same has happened with a few of his songs.
I have decided that Pete Murray is in fact a genius.
Somehow through writing these awful awful songs, with such boring melodies he has managed to make his songs known to me and a large majority of the population. He has also somehow managed to fool people into thinking he is a very talented and deep songwriter.
He has achieved a success in music that I never will and has done all of this without one ounce of songwriting smarts. He has also somehow got a lot of people thinking he is a sensitive man. COME ON! He is a dumb bulky type who you see out at places like the Stag and Heaven. Someone just handed this one a guitar...
Hats off to you though Pete Murray. You have done it all. And look like you will continue to be successful for sometime without ever having to change anything or excite your audience.
What a weekend. Here is a rundown of the events of the tour with my band to Melbourne.
Got up at 530 on Saturday morning. Felt awful. I had a dream where Ianto had been raped. It was pretty upsetting. Nic and Ianto arrived with the hired van at 6ish, I told Ianto about the rape dream and he said 'great way to start the day'. Ianto spent the rest of the tour worried about being raped somewhere along the way. James, Steph and I crawled in, picked up Steve and we took off.
The van was great. Big Toyota Tarago. Very roomy. We were all taking turns driving and all talkin lots of shit so the time was passing quickly. Steve started off the trip by doing one of the most stinky farts I have ever smelt. I felt sorry for poor Steph who copped the full force of it. Apparently Steves girlfriend, Yasmin, had fed him a bag of prunes the night before. I assume as some sort of cruel sabotage on us. Well she may have one this round...but i will get her back.
There were no major problems on the drive. Nic had terrible gas which he blamed on sitting funny. I blamed it on the cheese burgers he ate every 5 minutes. Ianto was in my books the worst driver in the car. But the most entertaining driver was Steve with Nic as his navigator. Nic crapped in his ear the whole time about whether or not nearby cars were full of fat people or not. He also tried to explain to Steve how to 'take cars on'.
Nic also told us of his film idea, which involved an elaborate wanking gag...oh good times.
We arrived in Melbourne at about 5 and were greeted by the lovely Henry and Mel. Got our crap and took it to the venue. The venue was nice. had a backstagey kinda room and a curtain around the stage. The gig was sold out so that was kinda exciting already.
Went to some yupie pub for dinner. Ianto had just chips...yet again. I noticed that several times during the trip the only thing Ianto would eat would be Chips. What a bland diet that man has. And he was always telling me off about the food I ate...sorry if i enjoy FLAVOUR!
After this we all arrived at venue and set crap up and did the boring things that bands do before gigs. Nic was buzzing. Kept tellin us all how amazing we were gonna be, he should really be hired as a hype man for some sporting team... James enjoyed a nice calamari meal while we set up most of the gear...well he helped at the very end...hehe.
The show itself went very well, When the band took to the stage people clapped. Before we had even played a note! It was weird. We rocked out hard, people stood up. The room was packed and hot as hell. Steve was lookin queasy but shone through. I started to get some horrible reflux thing where every time i sung loud a bit of spew would burp up into my mouth. It was pretty gross. Straight after the gig Steve apparently threw up twice...so maybe we ate something bad or something.
Steph got very drunk and caused a ruckus. I had to calm her down. She didnt take to that too well.
Art of Fighting played and were very nice but I felt a little sorry for them playing after us...I mean we are a hard act to follow...being the best band in the world and all. They were very nice to us. Told us to join them in drinking their scotch. I had a small glass full but couldnt handle it. Was too strong. Henry tried some too. We are both weak men.
We soon went home and to bed. Steve, Ianto and I were staying at Henry and Mels house...the others were off being jerks somewhere else. Poor Ianto didnt get hardly any sleep due to my snoring. He described the sound of my snoring as sounding like a 'snake eating a pig'. Im a little distressed by that. But hell I never hear it so what do I care?!
The next morning only James, Me, Ianto and Steve drove back. As the other two stayed on. It was a nice trip. Steve and I took a shit in Mcdonalds without buying any food from there. We felt it was bringing down the establishment. We listened to a radio play about Dina Washington and then we all decided we were feeling quite smart and then listened to Mozarts 'Don Giovanni'. What a bunch of wankers we were...Well i think it was James' fault.
Only just got the Van back to the hire place in time. well got there 15 mins late, but hopefully that dont matter...
Are you not lucky dear reader, 3 rants for the price of 1!:
Angry Young Married Men:
What is the deal with young guys who are married who are so angry at the world. Well sometimes they aint even angry they are just plain impatient. I just dealt with one with a goatee who looked about 25. He was so annoyed that I couldnt help him and tried to make it feel like it was my fault.
ITS MY FAULT THAT YOUR WIFE WONT HAVE SEX WITH YOU!? Well let me tell YOU sonny that aint got nothing to do with me! Thats between you and the missus. Leave me the hell of the way out of this one. Maybe you should take your horrible facial hair into account next time she rolls over and says she is too tired. Its got nothing to do with me not being able to find someone for you.
Sheesh!
Inside Is Out:
Ok so a guy just came by wearing his shirt inside out. A polo shirt. So it looked all frayed and stupid looking. I politely said to him 'your shirt is on inside out', he laughed and said 'yeah its supposed to be'. I replied 'oh'.
A polo shirt is a beautiful thing. It looks fine the way it was designed to be worn. Why turn it inside out so you look like an idiot who dresses in torn clothes. I know you aint poor, I know you aint Fred Flinstone! Oh these people. Stupid!
Maybe I'll just start walking around with my dick hangin out of my pants and when a stranger kindly says 'hey your dick is hangin out there', Ill be all 'yeah its supposed to be'...
'oh'
S o B:
Ive also decided I hate all men with strawberry blonde hair. Dont really know why but they look like dickheads. Looks ok on girls tho.
So this weekend my band and I are heading off to Melbourne to play a show. This our first trip outside of the state and also the first time I have every gone interstate with a band.
We are driving up there in a rented van on Saturday and coming back on the Sunday. Playing Saturday night. Its going to be a tiring journey...
Things could go one way or another:
We could all bond really well becoming the closest band around, play an amazing show to a sold out crowd, and all move into a big house together and have lots of babies.
OR
We could all grow to hate each other immensly, play an awful show due to our tiredness, and get home never wanting to see each other again. After practice last night things could definitely go either way.
Well either way it will be a great 'life experience' and one we will all cherish and remember for the rest of our lives...
*walks off into the sunset*
I will report back next week on how it all went. You might get to hear Ianto's account on his blog too, as it will be a very exciting event in his very boring life. Ill link his blog when I can be bothered.
ps. if yr interested the gig is at Northcote Social Club this Saturday with Art of Fighting. In Melbourne. Town of the bad haircuts and horrible pants.
What the hell is up with people who need motivational quotes and self help books to 'kickstart their lives'? How does it help to see a fuking frog strangling an emu everyday? Does it really make people feel better to say to themselves 'a moment wasted is a minute of relaxation gained' and crap like that?
Well I for one am sick of it and would like to call for a ban on all motivational signs and self help books in public spaces. It should be like smoking. If youre in your office or home and some preachy fuker starts crappin on about how feeling good is all about how you perceive your surroundings mentally you should be allowed to yell at them, 'Hey take that outside! Your gonna stink up the furniture with that shite!'
I think I will start this...
I worked with a woman for a year who was all into this crap. I wanted to kill her by the end of it, she gave me self help books for Christmas that were always about self esteem and taking control of my life. Apparently I was a loose cannon. When I got really bored at work I would highlight sections of the book to ask her about what they meant. But they were always random bits that made no sense on their own. It would confuse her greatly. But she was really happy I was 'taking an interest'.
There is money to be made from all of this tho...I think im gonna make some motivational Che Guevara tshirts. they will sell like hot cakes. If there is one things morons like to buy, its Che Guevara tshirts and motivational crap. Combine the two and you got a best seller. The slogan could be something like 'CHE'ken soup for the soul'
